Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

In-Bed, Barr, And Beyond The Rule Of Law

I sat through the whole “hearing” yesterday and no surprise, it was surprisingly horrible. History is going to look back to that day, not as the beginning of the end of Trump, but as the beginning of the end of our republic. But forget about all of Barr’s predictable lies for a moment and our republic’s pending demise, what Strzok me during this partisan senator banter is how the two political realities are now fully realized and complete. It reminds me of the Tulpa from Tibetan mysticism, except those are created by communal thought-forms and the Republican variety has little to do with thinking. So let’s call them the reverse, Apluts. Since half our country has concentrated so hard on the same things they’ve willed to life their own partisan scandal monsters. These Aplut entities now have a life of their own and can function independently, which is more than I can say for our president. If my hypothesis is correct, maybe the next time we look under that pizza parlor, aka the front for a child sex ring operation with links to the Clintons, it will actually have a basement. This week’s proceedings would have been better suited for a Hannity segment than the senate chambers. It’s one thing to be wrong all the time because you can only get Levin or Savage in your trailer, but these exchanges occurred in the heart of our democratic institutions. Good thing no one lit a match in that place. Guy Fartes Day? That would be a great holiday, eh, we could celebrate the exploding of Capitol Hill each year by eating bean burritos and warm cola. Somehow fitting.

Trump Awards Attorney General William Barr The Medal Of Freedom

Tweet Tower—In a surprise ceremony, President Trump presented Attorney General William Barr the Medal of Freedom for his uncommon valor in the face of a barrage of unpleasant facts during yesterday’s Senate hearing. The president told the press today, “He’s a great American and if I’m going to be free, he’s going to be free #FreeToo. Next week I’m getting him a Medal of Honor, a Pulitzer, an Oscar, and an Olympic gold medal, maybe for curling because no one will miss one of those. Our new AG is also getting some free coupons to stay at Trump Tower Pyongyang. Ooops, scratch that. And best of all, we use a punch card thing now for all pre-pardons, so like your tenth crime is on us, or, in this case, for us. I punched the whole card! See what you could have gotten, Mr. Refusalcusal?! Play ball next time, Mr. Magoo!!”

Is Erisology Our Save-The-Debate Card?

John Nerst, a self-described Nerstian, created a potential new field of study he calls Erisology. He named this budding discipline after Eris, the Greek goddess of Discord, so he had me from “hello!” Nerst hopes to spotlight the misconceptions surrounding today’s debates as well as the perspectives, assumptions, and worldviews currently hindering our daily discourse. Biases are certainly bogging us down a bita recent example? After a 22-month investigation, the Mueller report changed about ten people’s minds across America. Most of us remain either in the full exoneration, or hang ’em from the nearest tree camp. In the interests of bipartisanship, why can’t we do both? Authentic exchanges are exceedingly rare these days, just check out that last sentence. Nerst is proposing some rules of engagement with the hopes of saving the debate and perhaps limit the impact of our increased polarization. On that note, I asked Mr. Nerst to debate me at the next Let’s Hang Trump From The Nearest Tree Meetup Group, but he has yet to FB message me.

Army Of Biden 5000s, Or ‘A.I. Joes’, Dispatched Across America

U.S.A, U.S.A!—Shortly after announcing his presidential bid, the Joe Biden campaign unleashed hundreds of overly affectionate robotic surrogates on an unsuspecting countryside. This Army of Artificial Presidential Replicants (AAPRs), or ‘A.I. Joes’, are sweeping the nation. Yes, they have a sweeper feature! In fact, the Veep is so good at cleaning up our streets after the 45th president, he’s already being sued by the makers of Rumba. These political rovers, or ‘Joeborgs’, are capable of both waving out of the limo window and/or shouting random gaffes at passersby. Amidst the largest field in history, Biden explained his decision to go high-tech, “I think the best way to connect with millennials today is to have USB ports. Besides, as a kid I always loved ice cream trucks, so what better way to bridge the gap between old and new than by having children running after a limo with a robot of me in it? There’s also a second robot of me actually driving the thing! And don’t worry mom and dad, the gun turrets are just a deterrent. The Secret Cyberdyne Service insisted.”

My Friend Is Asking For Details On Trump Wrongdoing, But What He Really Needs Is A Hearing Aid

 

My friend and blogvesary has more questions about the Russia probe, but, suffice to say, Warren Zevon just went home with a waitress with Russian ties and that ended badlyoffhand this seems much worse. Here’s another long comment from my friend that deserves a more in depth response. Enjoy!

Pokey: Here’s some of your recent quotes, Zano: “Trump’s peeps lied across the board,” “web of wrongdoing,” “Trump’s clear felonies.” These are more generalizations. Specifics please.

[Winslow: you crashed the server again, Zano. Think summary.]

Camp Crystal Lake Watersport Rentals & Bait Shop Is Closing After Latest Round Of Grisly Murders

Crystal Lake—Camp Crystal Lake Watersport Rentals & Bait Shop is closing its doors forever. The family business, established in 1980, has survived a dozen killing sprees that left most of their customers unable to pay for the unreturned or damaged equipment. Owner Bud ‘Buddy’ Drake said, “We almost never get our canoes or kayaks returned, and when we do we spend all day hosing off the blood. We kept thinking things were going to end with Friday the 13: The Final Chapter and then Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, but, no, the guy’s like a bad penny—a bad penny that chops kids up every couple of years. Then when Jason Voorhees moved to Manhattan we thought, finally, shit’s going to get back to normal around here, but we were wrong again. This latest batch of murders is the last straw. This group rented two canoes, one kayak, and a jet-ski. We only recovered the jet-ski …from a tree. I’m done. The Voorhees have been nothing but trouble for these parts. My wife and I are thinking about opening up an auto repair shop up over in Haddonfield. The grand opening is set for the end of October.”

Star Spangled Bummer? Flag Finally Speaks Out About The President’s Unwanted Touching

Tweet Tower—The American flag is recounting its harrowing tale of assault and abuse today at the hands of the president of the United States. In an exclusive Discord interview, the flag describes a series of disturbing situations while in the presence of Donald Trump. “These events made me want to self-drone myself to the dry-cleaner,” said the flag. “Amazon Prime would help with the logistics, but I had mixed feeling because I hate Jeff Bezos. That bastard is going to replace all flags with robot flags!” According to allegations the president repeatedly hugged and even “dry humped” the American flag without consent, an act many liberal flagtivists are calling unseamly. See what I did there?                              

While I’m Playing Chess, Pokey, You’re Playing Rock, Paper, Other Rock

My friend and blogvesary is at it again, blasting out of my comment section like a sirocco, blazing across the land, into your home, slamming into your website like a supercharged nano-particle of unobtainium! Fine, that’s George Knapp, but my friend probably inspired his opening. Today on Discord Crossfire, Pokey is accusing me of not answering any of his fictional questions. I don’t feel I need to justify my actions, articles, voting record, predictions, or criminal background *cough* …but maybe, just maybe, he should. My friend is still touting the merits of Spygate over Russiagate, aka Obama/Lynch = Guilty and Trump/Cohorts = Innocent. Carl Sagan once said, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence,” and amidst this 2019 political landscape, I think anything espoused by a rightwinger now requires a Atlantis-is-ruled-by-sasquatches level of proof. The onus is on you and your ilk to prove your non-stop, nonsensical non-sequiturs. [Retraction: you’re probably right, keep digging and maybe you’ll emerge on the other side of these scandals]. Hollow Birther theory? The Repubtilian agenda?

First Ever Black Hole Photograph Raises Some Hair Raising Questions

The Universe—The recent picture of a black hole, the first of its kind, has many scratching their heads today. Is there a connection between time/space and the Trump/race continuum? Is this truly an image of a black hole, or a White Nationalist Dwarf? Whereas some theorize this is proof the universe is deplorable, others suggest it’s evidence the universe is hollow & graphic in nature. Science has been grappling with these two related cosmic questions for decades: what is the true nature of both the universe and the president’s hair-dome? At least one scientist believes the two areas of inquiry can be connected in one Grand Polarized Theory, or what he is privately calling the Bigly Bang Theory.

We Have Chosen The Form Of Our Destructor

 

Tweet Tower—It’s hard to grasp the full descent of American politics in 2019, a time when watching certain news sources makes you less informed and listening to a SOTU address will make you a little less aware of our actual State of our Union. As for Russiagate, I knew annulment was a longshot and the last best hope for a course correction has apparently fizzled. Now this country and this planet will bear the brunt of the rest of this populist shit show. Just as it’s hard to tell a Republican president with Dementia from the usual variety. It’s similarly difficult to distinguish legal business dealings from blatantly criminal ones. These lines are becoming forever blurred as we shift deeper into this late stage democracy. Our political scheissgeist reminds me of when Gozer the Gozerian demanded that the Ghostbusters, “Choose the form of the Destructor!” And then a moment later said, “The choice is made.” Venkman is like, “Whoa, wait a minute! Liberals, did you choose anything?” No. “Independents, did you choose anything?” No. “Republicans?” …It just popped into our head. That guy from The Apprentice, a selfmade businessman, a real Atlas Shrugged guy, a man who couldn’t possibly mean capitalism any harm.

“The Grifter has come.”