Tokyo, Japan—The state visit to Japan was going relatively smoothly this week until President Trump attempted to order a 100-year-old Egg McMuffin at dinner. His unusual request was met with some confused stares by the servers and wait staff. After several awkward moments the president tried to clarify his request, “It’s like a really old breakfast hamberder.” The Prime Minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe, finally explained the Century Egg is actually a Chinese delicacy and has no connection to the U.S. fast food franchise whatsoever. Melania then joked, “Your Chinese Egg McMuffin will be cold, Donald, by the time it gets to America, what with the trade wars, tariffs and all.”

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Tweet Tower—In what many are calling a brutally honest assessment, president Trump laid out the details of his latest business dealings with the Saudi royal family. The president has successfully bypassed congress to finalize an eight-billion dollar deal that will allow Saudi Arabia to get more smart bombs, drones, missiles and weapons for the purpose of helping Al Qaeda and other Sunni terrorist groups as well as aid in the final stages of the genocide of the Yemeni people, or “win win” as the president put it.

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Stress is a growing workplace problem these days and, with opioids getting such a a bad rap lately, why not treat your employees to some anxiety-reducing magic? Why get a candy bar on break, when you can get a Xannie bar! Benzodiazepines are wonderful at helping workers cope with their boss, their coworkers, and provides them the piece of mind to not worry about not meeting important deadlines. Executives are excited that coworkers are getting along better and instances of grievances and complaints are dropping along with their blood pressure.

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Grand Rapids, MI—Republican congressman Justin Amash (R-MI) has not only read the Mueller report in its entirety, stunning in and of itself, but he has concluded the president has engaged in impeachable offenses. The news has both Democrats and the scientific community scratching their heads. Since his public declaration on Monday, congressman Amash is awash with requests to have his brain studied by science, preferably post-mortem. The discovery has many political scientists and neuro-beurocratologists begging the question, how could someone who can process information still be a registered republican? It’s like Catch-22, only worse. Yeah, it’s like a Catch-23.

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If America was ever contemplating a major overhaul to its system of government, now would be that time. Think about it, the Brits have the likes of Nigel Farage. I just like saying Nigel Farage. How are we supposed to compete with a system of government that comes complete with names like that? We.Can’t. Our founding fathers couldn’t have possibly seen this coming, but here we are Nigel Farageless and contemplating adopting a new system of government. In fact, I am suggesting we adopt the identical system of government to the one we abandoned over two centuries ago to start our own fledgling experiment in democracy. Overall our government has functioned reasonably well over that time, but today our system has been hijacked—more specifically, it has been hijacked by stupid people. My assessment of our democracy? We need something decidedly more stupid-people-proof, and we need the likes of Nigel Farage, or at least a system of government capable of producing people with names equally as fabulous.

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The Frozen North—Prime Minister of Canada Justin Trudeau has announced his decision to deploy Mounties to the border on the news that droves of Americans are flooding northward in an attempt to better meet their healthcare needs. Trudeau had a stern message for his southern neighbors today, “I have authorized the redeployment of 17,000 Canadian Mounties to our southern border. I’m sending the horses later as there was a bit of a mix up. But sorry America, Canada is full, so kindly piss off. Go fix your own healthcare system and don’t over-strain ours. Of course we have coverage for strains and you probably don’t, but whose fault is that? I’d suggest you get your head scanned, but that’s probably not covered either. Turn your heads around now and cough, because the only medical care you’re going to get at the Canadian border is a free prostate exam!”

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Pyongyang, NK—Kim Jong Un is downplaying both the launching of three long distance rockets this week and the decision to name each of them after west coast U.S. cities. The Supreme Leader of North Korea told the press today, “These are cities I would like to visit, to reign down a sea of fire and radioactivity, or maybe go on a bar crawl. I will let you know. Look, it’s better than my first nicknames: Trump, Pence and Kellyanne. Only need one missile for that.”

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London, ENG—Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex, have welcomed their new baby ….something or other. The latest arrival joins the royal family seventh in line to the throne, well, that was until moments ago. British Intelligence is reporting that the other six individuals ahead of baby Squidward’s claim to the throne are all currently missing and presumed devoured. Thus far the Queen is downplaying the disappearances and what appears to be the baby’s profound precognetic abilities, which those close to the Queen say has already, “Ruined Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and the next seven Wimbledons.”

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