World poll results courtesy of a RasManson and SurveyDespot.
Mueller Equipped With Self-Vocal-Redaction Software For Upcoming Committee Hearings
by Mick Zano •
Washington—Don’t get too excited, folks, although Robert Mueller has agreed to testify before two separate house committees on July 17th, the Special Counsel has already been fitted with the latest voice-redaction-software known to man, or VRS. Mueller argues he needs this software to be sure he doesn’t say anything relevant to the most critical investigation in recent U.S. history. He also wants to avoid commenting on any of the president’s Gazillions of Dr. Evil-like pending investigations. He told the press, “My nearly 500 hundred page legalese opus, based on David Lynch’s Klingon adaptation of Finnegans Wake, speaks for itself. Oh, and I picked up the voice-redaction-software, cheap, from the same guy who sold Hillary Clinton that BleachBit to wipe her private server.”
The Answer? Just Resurrect The Iran Deal And Call It The Trump Deal
by Mick Zano •
There’s only one way to avoid the pending Iran debacle and the solution reminds me of that time on the Millennium Falcon when Han Solo encouraged C3P0 to: “Let the Wookiee win.” If we’re going to spare some blood and treasure by avoiding another senseless war, to say nothing of getting our arms pulled out of their sockets, we need to heed Han’s advice on this one. What if we re-sign the same Iran Deal with the addition of some Trump accolades, a bucket of exclamation points, several hashtags, and then drop the Flesch-Kincaid reading level to accommodate the typical Fox viewer? I guarantee you our president hasn’t read even one sentence of the original agreement, so he won’t notice. If someone within the Trump administration would back my scheme then We.Got.This.Shit. Disaster averted. If everyone both here and abroad would agree to be in on the joke we could resurrect the Iran Deal, call it the Trump Deal, and effectively let the Wookiee win.
Let’s Work Diligently To Keep Republicanism Safe, Legal, and Rare
by Mick Zano •
Maybe this wasn’t the best tagline to support someone’s right to choose, but it’s certainly fits the bill for today’s GOP, doesn’t it? No, this is not an article about abortion rights. Today I’m contemplating the disturbing rise of populism and if there’s still time to do anything about it. My blogvesary has been goading me into an abortion debate for a long time to which I will only say this: the mother should have the right to an abortion in cases when a child is at clear risk of becoming a registered Republican. Sorry, I don’t think men get to have this debate. We don’t have the equipment and we tend to be jerks (or 0 for 2 …you know, like your last two presidents). Facing overpopulation and potential extinction maybe our steadily decreasing abortion rates shouldn’t be our biggest concern in 2020. What concerns me is the uncanny ability of our conservative friends to weaponize such religiously-charged issues to bolster their ongoing/confounding relevance and electoral successes—successes that, not only fly in the face of logic, but cause other unseemly things to happen to said logical face.
[Erase burning image of Spock’s cameo in Something About Mary, erase burning image of Spock’s cameo in Something about Mary. Take shower.]
In Show Of Good Faith DNC Offers Trump All Expense Paid Vaca To Certain Dominican Republic Resort
by Mick Zano •
Punta Cana, DR—The Democratic National Committee has offered what is being called a “good faith gesture” to the president and his senior staffers today. The DNC purchased an all expense paid week of “sun and fun in the Dominican Republic” for the Trump crime family. In the wake of recent events on the ill-fated island, many conservative pundits are crying foul. For some the timing, which comes at the heels of a series of mysterious deaths of several guests at the very same resort, is not a coincidence. The head of the DNC Tom Perez is denying any wrongdoing: “As a fiscally responsible party, we liberals are always motivated to find the best exotic deals, even if such savings are associated with a known death trap *cough*, I mean Caribbean paradise.”
The Charlottesville Web The President Is Still Weaving
by Mick Zano •
In related news, Christopher Robin’s body has yet to be recovered from the Hundred Acre Blood.
“The Good Soldier” Will Always Be Our Undoing And Mueller Is No Exception
by Mick Zano •
Sometimes I still think highly of our top military brass and our MIB-spook-types. Despite my disgust with our industrial military complex in general—with its egregious abuses to our environment and its abysmal failure to allocate their Dr. Evil gazillions responsibly—certainly some military luminaries demand our respect. In the end, however, it’s those “good soldiers” who tend to betray us. I’m talking about those folks who insist on staying in their lane while Rome burns. Former Defense Secretary, General Mattis, rightly stepped down in protest over Trump’s dangerous inconsistencies with troop involvement/levels in Syria. General Petraeus remains one of the leading military intelligence minds of our time and, back in the day, General Wesley Clark broke ranks, or broke something by leaking Dubya’s master plan to topple seven regimes in the Middle East—all for the purpose of planting magic democracy beans, you know, the ones he no doubt purchased from an as yet undisclosed bean dealer with ties to the Saudi Royals. However, these military bright spots seem to be the exception, not the rule. In the end these institutions simply do not prepare our military personnel, or our intelligence officers for the insidiousness of today’s body politic. They will sell out their country under the pretense of some misguided sense of duty and for that we should damn them along with the rest of the Republican shit show.
Science Suggests 87% Of Trump’s Brain Is Chop Meat Thinking About Hamberder
by Mick Zano •
Dawn’s Early Light? Warren Calls Flag To Find Out What It’s Wearing
by Mick Zano •
Warrensville—With bad intent I, Mick Zano, have posted a blatantly sexist post for the purpose of angering my last few Discord fans. I am doing this in the hopes of further time to pursue my true purpose: to use Google Earth to climb Mt. Everest! I have already set up my virtual basecamp at 17,600 ft. on the south side of the living room. I believe I have enough Coke and Twinkies to make this historic satellite-image journey.
Giant Pigeon Wanted For Questioning After Latest Farage Assault
by Mick Zano •
Turdingham, ENG—In a much desired break from the recent rash of milkshake attacks plaguing malty-old-England, Scotland Yard is seeking any information regarding the whereabouts of a large pigeon. The bloated bird is believed to have assaulted Brexit-great Nigel Farage last week with what many are calling an avian Moloturd cocktail. The pigeon, a known proponent of the UK’s remaining in the EU, normally frequents Trafalgar square, Big Ben’s ledge, or that statue of Queen Elizabeth that looks like she’s wearing a toilet seat around her head. On the day in question, however, this pigeon acted like a pigeon …um, possessed by a much nastier pigeon.