Tweet Tower—The mystery surrounding the firing/resignation of John Bolton has taken another twist today as eyewitnesses report the former National Security Adviser’s mustache was escorted from White House grounds hours before his tenor officially ended. Bolton is denying that the president ripped the clump of hair off his face during a heated argument, but The Daily Discord has three separate sources from last night’s poker game claiming otherwise. Those close to Mr. Bolton report the two have since been reunited and the striking grey patch is once again situated between his nose and his mouth.
Clash Of The Snowflakes? Is Impeachment Finally Brewing?
by Mick Zano •
Washington—This week the House votes on the continued relevance of the rule of law. Will Chairman Jerry Nadler’s Judiciary Committee efforts get upgraded on Thursday to a more formal level of impeachment hearings? The president is sweetening the pot by adding some perks for those who vote against impeachment, such as: pre-pre pardons (which goes into effect even before the president thinks of them), leeway to rough up the witnesses (Black Sites Matter!), Magic Sharpie privileges, and full pussy-grabbing immunity #FreeToo! Nancy Pelosi is dragging her feet a bit on pulling the impeachment trigger. First she said, wait for a majority of the House to support impeachment, and now she’s saying, well, we also need the majority of the public on board. What next, lady, some house cat polling? Simon is fully behind impeachment proceedings, but Flopsy and Mittens are still concerned about the political implications. It makes me want to gack up a hairball.
Trump Orders Dorian To “Turn The F**k Around And Head Back To Alabama”
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Trump signed an executive order today demanding that Dorian, a self-described category 1 hurricane, immediately change course and head back toward the great state of Alabama. Senior aides claim the president is not happy with the storms failure to follow his own stream of consciousness and nonsensical meteorological projections. The president also believes he received “some bad information” from the Sharpie involved in the incident. Reports suggest the item was escorted off of White House grounds earlier today, in someone’s pocket.
Ruthless Zimbabwe Dictator Becomes 32nd Person To Lie In State At US Capitol
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Long time leader of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, has died today in Singapore at the age of 95. In a surprise move, President Trump has granted this notorious dictator an honor granted to few others. The body of the man who seized Zimbabwe’s budding independence and stomped it out before bankrupting his nation outright will become the 32nd person to Lie in State at the Capitol Rotunda. When asked about the controversial decision, the president said, “I feel strangely connected to this guy. I mean, I usually prefer white strongmen, but we’re supposed to be a more inclusive party, right? Besides, I really wanted to change the subject from Sharpie-gate. And by the way, it was windy in Alabama the other day. I talk to people, you know #ReallyWindy.”
Sedgwick Admits Marriage Based On Need To Be ‘One Degree To Bacon’
by Mick Zano •
Shortly after exchanging wedding vows with actor Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick ran around the venue announcing, “I won, I won the game Six Degrees to Bacon, because I’m like one degree now! …and a half! …but half in a good way. Like golf …or the opposite of golf.” Whereas many on hand for the festivities were congratulatory of the shrewd move, critics claim the game actually ended during the spring of 1997, and still others argue she should have gone with her first choice, Mickey Rourke.
Trump’s Think Tank Files Chapter 11
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump’s personal think tank, The Booking Institute, a research group spawned around a craps table in the 80s at the Taj, is filing Chapter 11. The covfefe’d organization, which Trump himself describes as, “an ‘Murican bigly thinkarama!!”, is now officially cognitively and neuronically bankrupt. The nail in the organization’s preverbal coffin was not, as some have assumed, the group’s inability to actually think but rather their failure to screw nearly as many people out of their lunch money as projected. The Simpson’s Nelson added a “HA, ha!” before administering a swirly.
To Demonstrate Safety Johnson & Johnson Lawyer Gnaws On Fentanyl Patch During Court Proceedings
by Mick Zano •
Norman, OK—A legal representative of Johnson & Johnson defended the pharmaceutical company’s role in the nation’s current opioid crisis by pulling a fentanyl patch from his pocket and stuffing it into his mouth. As gasps rifled through the courtroom, attorney Benjamin Crass spoke while bits of a gel-like substance oozed from a corner of his mouth, “See? Our opioid products are not dangerous, even the really strong ones like Fentanyl. You can spread this stuff on your morning bagel. Move over Philadelphia, right? I usually gnaw on these puppies with a little Cholula sauce, but it pairs well with a number of popular condiments.”
Enter Horowitz Or Battle Beneath The Planet Of The Mueller Report
by Mick Zano •
I wanted to go with Subdeplorable Homesick Blues for this one, but there were some copyright issues. Speaking of which, I did steal the above funny image (a first), but only because when I thought of the joke someone had already beaten me to it! Meanwhile, Dems have finally arrived at a comprise; they’ve agreed to impeach parts of the president’s mouth and penis. I understand the Pelosi dilemma, aka the political dangers of losing an impeachment hearing to a corrupt senate, but at the end of the day …um, it’s the end of the fucking day! Thankfully the number of overall congressmen who favor impeachment is climbing, one more today, because I for one would rather go down fighting blatant criminality than ignoring it. Hell, we could lose 2020 to this ass-clown either way, or, worse still, Trump won’t accept the election results. So when it comes to unconstitutional mischief, Lady Speaker, take a page from another Nancy and, “Just Say, No!” In the end, the Russia probe was an investigation that proved endless wrongdoing, yet arrived to a deafening silence. Its conclusions were wildly damning, so let us never speak of it again. Now we’re about to face the Horowitz report, a reactionary sickness spawned from the ashes of Mueller’s failings. The Republican-led probe will be more like a reverse ouroboros phoenix, i.e.it continually explodes while flying into its own asshole.
Shock Poll: Majority Of Americans Prefer Alien Abduction To 2nd Trump Term
by Mick Zano •
A Discord poll found an astounding 52% of those questioned would prefer to be abducted by extraterrestrials than endure four more years of a Donald Trump presidency. This staggering number remained almost as high when participants were reminded of the whole anal-probe thing (APT). The poll comes with a margin of error plus or minus 95% as Alex Bone was wrongly provided a corporate credit card during the Tucson survey, which took place at a brewpub during happy hour. Charges pending.
Despot Housewives
by Mick Zano •
The Dunce and Future King revisited. Many believed our checks and balances would hold under The Donald’s executive tantrums; let us forever refer to those folks as Trumpnablers, or card-carrying members of Cult 45. Surviving this was never dreamt of in my philosophy, but then again optimism was never my forte, especially when it comes to ForteFive. For those of you sleepwalking through our current political nightmare, perhaps it’s best to just keep binge-watching Netflix. I think this nation could learn a thing or two from the citizens of Hong Kong. They understand what’s at stake and can identify when their liberties are taking the proverbial—
[Taking a massive Drumpf joke flushed by the editor.]
Our system is failing, rather spectacularly, and in a way and manner that even I could never have predicted. Wait, but I predicted that…