Philadelphia PA – Today Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, announced that the ezine would be re-running the best of their past postings in a new forum “Distinguished Discord, the Best Of“.

“We are very excited to release some of our best material in a single location,” said Winslow, “OK, the truth is that our writers ain’t what they used to be. Ever since the recall of their pencil-pens they’ve lost their direction; or rather found a new one: downhill. In order to make up for it we’re going to start pulling material from back when they were half decent; OK, a quarter decent. Apparently our stimulus package was less than stimulating.”

While Winslow denies it, Discord insiders report that a significant portion of that stimulus money was used to back a failed attempt to purchase the senate seat vacated by now U.S. President Barack Obama.

“Now, we’ve been over that,” answered Winslow. “Besides, if my staff needs it I can stimulate them myself.”

Located on an 18 acre east Manhattan site, the new Trump Hotel & Casino is set to open soon, or, as “The Donald” said “As soon as we can get the beds in the old offices, and the slot machines & crap tables in the auditorium”.

Using a new “United World” theme, the Casino will feature marble steps, gold colored waterfalls, and the same carpet, which is a gigantic map of the world, now has large 3’ tall gold “pushpins” wherever Trump owns property. The flags of nations lining the main entrance were replaced with the Trump coat-of-arms. The entrance to its new eatery, the World Peace Restaurant, now sports a sixty foot L.E.D TV screen with rotating pictures of hungry shoeless children and Trump Hotels to the backdrop of the dulcet tones of Louis Armstrong singing “What a Wonderful World”.

As for parking concerns around the new hotel & casino, NYCs Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said, “Now, we can actually ticket people who park in no parking zones!”

Kelly is referring to the long standing problem of “Diplomatic Immunity” and parking scofflaws in NYC.

“If you lost 16 floors of Trump U.N.,” said John Bolton, “now that would suck!”

For reservations, call 1-800-The-Donald.

Washington, DC — Will the real Sith Lord please standup? Mounting evidence suggests the Sith Master is not former Vice President Dick Cheney, but rather Obama’s right hand man, Rahm Emanuel. 

Are these two only masquerading as political rivals?  Is Cheney only going on the attack early as a diversion?  Did Cheney finish off the Constitution for his master’s ultimate purpose? 

When interrogators were failing to get confessions proving any link between Iraq and Al-Qaeda back in 2003, Dick Cheney sent a memo to General Geoffrey Miller at Abu Ghraib that read, “Perhaps we can find new ways to motivate them.” 

According to an unnamed high ranking official, Emanuel and Cheney waited to seize power only after human cloning was possible to create their clone army.  Homeland Security is now working on something called a ‘Death Star’ and Janet Napolatano, the perfect dupe, is heading the project under the guise of ‘keeping America safe.’ 

The same unnamed official believes the diabolic duo made only one glaring mistake. Shortly after the election, Cheney’s man-sized safe was moved to Rahm Emmanuel’s office and the words Darth Dick were changed to Darth Rahm. The man-sized safe is believed to house hundreds of pictures from CIA secret prisons in both regular and glossy.

This credible source refuses to come forward, because “They can choke me from a distance.”  It is also feared that any traditional witness protection program, beefed up or otherwise, would prove ineffective against a Sith Lord or his apprentice.  This reporter will not divulge any sources due to the extraordinary circumstances surrounding this case.  Please don’t make me do it, Fitzgerald. They’ll get me for sure!

Gorillas, Bigfoots, Yetis, and other large primates across our great nation are not taking the Obama Administration’s current gun control policies lightly. Outrage is spreading across the heavily wooded regions of our country like wildfirearms.

CEO Pierce Winslow would like to personally apologies for that last joke: “We are working diligently here at the Discord to limit puns. My position on this matter has remained clear: like abortions, puns should be safe, legal, and rare.  If you spot a pun that you find personally offensive, tell us about it, because pun spelled backwards is nup. And, frankly, a nup is a nup.”

And now back to our regularly scheduled faux article:

Bernie Stillman, a Bigfoot sympathizer and cryptzoo activist, feels that making it difficult for humans to possess guns is a “slippery slope” that could ultimately work its way right down the evolutionary ladder.

“I don’t even want to think about what would happen if our ocean communities lost their second amendment rights,” continued Stillman.  “Huge schools of smaller fish would be at even greater risk of predation.  It would be a free-for-all.” 

Stillman has fought for the rights of a variety of species to protect themselves from the chaos of otherwise unfair and unfriendly ecosystems across our globe.

“If Obama is going to try to take away a Yeti’s AK-47,” warned Stillman, “he’d better beef up his personal security, or else he’ll end up like that inappropriate New York Post cartoon.”

Stillman backpedaled when questioned as to whether or not he was comparing President Obama to a monkey and threatening his life.

Stillman attempted to make light of the subject by adding, “Fuck Islam.”

London, ENG – The UK hosted a secret meeting of World leaders to discuss the possible designs of a new world currency.  The most controversial finalist, depicted above, may well be our world leaders attempt at stoking the fires of conspiracy theorists everywhere.

President Obama said, “There are elements from U.S. currency in each of the finalists, which makes selling parts of our sovereignty on the World E-Bay more than worth it.”

Obama admitted that if implemented tomorrow, U.S. currency would be trading on par with the Somali Dirt Clod, currently worth its weight in mud, gravel, and small bits of dried vegetation, but Obama is urging Americans “not to worry.”  Business-savvy Americans are believed to have already invested everything in internationally recognized commodities, “so they should be just fine.”  Mr. Obama denied allegations that the Pharmaceutical Company Eli Lilly, makers of antipsychotic medication, catered the top secret summit luncheon in question.

“Sometimes a free lunch is just a free lunch,” assured Obama. “Oh, and the government is monitoring all of your thoughts, so ask your doctor if Zyprexa is right for you.”