Tweet Tower—President Trump is standing by his decision to continue to talk to world leaders unsupervised. The consequences of a U.S. vacuum in northern Syria came swiftly after a conversation with President Erdogan led to a Turkish incursion into Syria the very next tweet #ToKillaMockingKurd. Even republican politicians seem uncharacteristically critical of the president for these developments, not the least of which involves the potential escape of thousands of ISIS fighters from regional prisons. The president urged his critics today to “go fuck themselves,” before adding: “ISIS has given me good dirt on Hunter and Sleepy Joe, and they promised me a Caliphate Trump Tower! Since Rudy can’t handle these things anymore I’ve hired Springfield’s best lawyer, Lionel Hutz!”

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Tweet Tower—As the subpoenas mount, President Trump has declared the Office of the Inspector General itself part of The Deep State, ISIS and possibly The View. The president is now charging the largest body of governmental oversight for passing along potentially “traitorous information.” In an effort to preempt anymore “salacious and unverified” reports from surfacing through normal whistleblower channels, nine Turmpwraiths vaulted from the top of Tweet Tower earlier today, each tasked with devouring one of the nine remaining OIG heads. The safety of each Inspector General is unclear at this hour, but the White House states this act is necessary to pave the way for a better, more robust whistleblower program. In an exclusive CNN Interview Rudy Giuliani said, “What is a Nazgûl? Why would the president unleash them? Of course he unleashed the Nazgûl! There are nine of them just hanging out under the North Portico basement, and he had nine potential OIG troublemakers, so what was he supposed to do? The Nazgûl are going to be the heroes when this is over.”

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Bethesda, MD—The International Kryptonic Energy Agency (IKEA) believes ousted National Security Adviser, John Bolton, is only 12-months from the development of a nuclear weapon. An exclusive McClatchy report has the undeclared uranium processing facility situated in Bolton’s basement between his washing machine and Nordic Track. Bolton maintains his efforts to develop a bomb are for “peaceful purposes only,” and he told the press today during a joint press conference with his Nordic Track that: “My home atomic energy efforts are to power my washing machine as well as my Nordic Track …you know, so I don’t have to.”

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South Agrabah—In another stunning abuse of power, a second released transcript shows President Trump demanding one more wish from Aladdin’s genie. According to the transcript, the president said, “I want another wish! This is treason, because I get a third wish!! I’m signing an executive order for another wish, right now!!! For my next wish, I want Prince Aladdin to grant me permission to build a Trump Tower in Agrabah.” The genie added under oath, “A world leader should be able to count to three. I told him, I said, you have three wishes, Mr. President, and one of them can’t be to wish for more wishes. He proceeded to wish that Biden would make more gaffes on the campaign trail, which was granted …for what it’s worth. He used his second wish to have his last tweet—the one he just hit send on while we were talking together—shifted directly to the WH private server. And for his third wish he wanted that Hillary IT guy to wipe the whole drive clean. He claims that was two parts of the same wish, but I called bleach bot. I mean, bullshit.”

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Roswell, NM—The current governor of New Mexico, Michelle Lujan Grisham, is under fire for actions taken by her office many decades earlier when a UFO crash landed in the desert northwest of Roswell in 1947. There are also reports hovering around this story that the alien children were kept in cages and received poor medical care, which may be attributed to their reptilian circulatory system and almost machine-like neurophysiology. 

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In a reversal many are calling an about blackface, the Prime Minister of Canada Justin Trudeau donned his God-given skinnage and proceeded to apologize to Caucasians everywhere for wearing whiteface for the majority of his tenor in office. Conservatives and populists are calling his actions reverse racism, contra-skindicated, or, at the very least, an inappropriate skinverse relationship. Polls suggest, as a black man, Trudeau has increased his chances of maintaining the primeministership expo-epidermanentially. Yeah, I gotta get a day job.

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Tweet Tower—The president’s new acting-acting head of All Things Science and the Dark Arts has denied NASA’s request for funding toward a future mission to the red planet. Henry ‘Henry’ Jackson told reporters today, “Unless you want to eat Matt Damon-style shit potatoes, there’s no reason to go all the way out to that shithole planet. Real estate markets suck there right now. We need to find planets that have oil, gold, coal, or at least a species we can attempt to police through aimless bullying. Think asteroids of gold, or planets of diamonds, or maybe a moon inhabited by those sex-crazed green chicks from Star Trek. Otherwise this president isn’t giving you shit …potatoes.”

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New York, NY—My Best Friend’s Girl is in custody at this hour after the passing of pop legend Ric Ocasek. The prime suspect in the death of the Cars lead singer, Candy O., told reporters today, “I’m Not The One. You Might Think I’m Crazy, but I’m not a Dangerous Type.” She then added, “It’s All Mixed Up and it has been Touch and Go, so I’m going for a Drive, because It’s All I Can Do.”

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A rash of mysterious respiratory illnesses, linked to vaping, has reached 33 states. The CDC is calling the outbreak a viral vaping virus, or VVV, which is an airborne, flavored disease that causes severe lungular malfunction, or what medical professionals call something else. One e-cigarette executive is speaking out, “A lot of these deaths are young people. We don’t want to get people hooked on our product and kill them before they have really good jobs. I mean, come on, who wants that?! Besides, think of the millions of people who haven’t croaked right away after using our products. So, let’s all just breathe a little easier and… uh, can you edit that last part out?”

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