Apple does it again. Today Apple announced the successful development of a breast implant that can both store and play music.  The iTit only costs $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. The surgery to install the device is not included, but talk about Silicon Valley!  And here’s the best part, guys—just hitting the play button will get you great music and to second base.  This is also being considered a major social breakthrough, because women have always complained how men stare at their breasts but don’t listen to them.  That problem ends today!  You may also choose to listen to NPR (Nipple Public Radio) to stay abreast of the situation. And, tuning into the right station has never been more fun.

But wait, there’s more!

If you order now, we’ll throw in the second iTit free! The item does come with a manufacture’s warning: there is a slight risk of suffocation when using the surround sound feature, but, hey, if you gotta go… 

Batteries not included and void where probhibitit.  Yes, we used that joke again. Apparently, they come in pairs.  Apple did have some bad news today.  Their latest line of booty-mounted smart phones, the Dingleberry, only comes in brown. (Hat tip: Tommy T.) 

Kabul, Afghanistan—Members of the Afghani government are becoming increasingly frustrated with the recent string of President Hamid Karzai’s poorly conceived morale-boosting events.

“I wore my biggest and my silliest turban on silly hat day,” said a disgusted Hassan Rahimi.  “Granted, it’s not much bigger or sillier than any of my other turbans, but I thought there would at least be prizes or something.”

“Karzai completely ignored my suggestion that we have a lottery and then stone to death whoever picks the lucky ticket,” said another Hassan Rahimi.  “The man ignores the classics!”

“His casual burkha day really sucked,” added Abdul Haq of Kandahar. “And don’t even get me started on dunk a Mullah Monday.”

“Mistakes have been made,” admitted President Karzai.  “I didn’t think I had to specify no IEDs during the lunchroom obstacle course, but live and burn.”

The politically embattled president went on to say, “My country still needs something that will unite the Afghani people behind a common cause, like maybe a good pie fight.  If anyone has any ideas, please email me…preferably before Wednesday, which is kiss a camel hump day. I’m really worried about that.”

After unsuccessfully suing the band Smashing Pumpkins for plagiarism, comedian Leo Gallagher has now set his sights on some much-needed book revenue.  Apparently in 1974, Gallagher tried to liven-up his act by hitting a member of his audience with a large sledge hammer.  This did not have the desired effect.  After his release from a West Hollywood jail, Gallagher felt more determined than ever to smash something with something else and earn his place in comedic history.  After his parole ended, Gallagher destroyed his apartment amidst a dark period known as his ‘pre-melonic phase’.  Inspired before a show in Anaheim, he decided to hit an uncooked turkey with a large medieval mace. Few people enjoyed the act, however, and one couple from Pasadena contracted salmonella.  Despite these setbacks, Gallagher knew he was onto something (besides antibiotics).

“Then one day it just hit me,” said Gallagher, “…like a sledgehammer to a watermelon.”  History was made that day and then splattered across a great many a venue.

Law enforcement officials have indefinitely suspended all of Gallagher’s book signings since last week’s ‘incident’ when an Oceanside man mistakenly dressed as a melon for the event. The fan died outside of a San Diego Barnes & Noble due to severe head trauma. 

Senator Nelson (NE) released this stunning conversation on the eve of the healthcare vote.  Our technical crew worked diligently to bring you the transcript version of this important audio:

Senator Nelson: “Mr. Rezko, Rahm, David…to what do I owe the honor?”

Tony Rezko: “Hayadooin Senator.  We need to come to some sort of understanding on the Healthcare bill. I’m of the impression that youse may be a ‘no’ vote.”

Senator Nelson: “Well guys, there are problems with—”

Tony Rezko: “Bennie, Bennie, It’s of da highest import dat youse vote ‘yes’ on dis here bill.”

Senator Nelson: “Bu-bu-but guys, I really got problems with—”

Tony Rezko: “Listen, if ya don’t go the way we needs ya ta go, youse got real problems.  I know youse guys got dis here Air Force base, uh wutisit, Offortt Sumtin? Now it sure would be a shame if sumtin wuz ta happin to dis here Base, wouldn’t it?”    

Senator Nelson: “What could happen to an Air Force Base?”

(inaudible)

Senator Nelson: “You wouldn’t…”

Tony Rezko: “Just tink of da ten tousand poor Nebraskans widout a job. Dat would be a terrible ting.”

Senator Nelson: “You’d put the safety of the country at risk and put thousands of people out of work?”

Tony Rezko: “Safety of the country?  You tink we care about dat?  Two words, Bennie Boy, Janet Napolatano.  But enough talk. Rahm, David…bend some Geneva Conventions around this guy’s neck.”

(Sound of water running. Garble, garble, cough, sputter. Inaudible.)

Washington, DC – Homeland Security Chief, Janet Napolitano, has unveiled her airline screening plan to have passengers tuck their shoes under one armpit while twirling their underwear on the alternate fingers.

“The frequently incontinent will not stand for this,” warned activist Dribbly McSkidmarck.

When asked about the recent intelligence failures, Napolitano said, “Look, we can’t stop every known terrorist who wants to bring explosives onto a plane.  But what we can do is continue to make everyone miserable who tries to board with bottled water.”

When reminded how the passengers on the Detroit flight actually used water to put out the fire, Napolitano said, “Sure, in this case, but usually water is highly unstable.”     

Rather than playing the blame game, Napolitano is calling for a full investigation into her own competence.

CIA Director Leon Panetta suggested, “Maybe it [her competence] just fell behind the couch.”

FBI Director Robert Mueller immediately countered, “Of course, we checked behind the couch, dipshit. I guess we ‘forgot’ to tell you guys.”

The House Intelligence Committee believes her competence may have snuck over the Mexican border while she was still governor of AZ.

Unhappy with any of the explanations, Napolitano said, “I am raising the national threat level to one of those other colors, until some idea of my relative competence can be ascertained.”