Prince William Sound, AK (within sight of Russia)—The Obama Administration is under considerable scrutiny for choosing the Captain of the Exxon Valdez to head clean up operations in the Gulf.

“I plan to catch some zzzzzs on the voyage over to the Gulf,” said Captain Hazelwood, “but don’t worry, I’m leaving the ship in the capable hands of my first mate and little buddy, Gilligan ‘Run-a-shore’ McBoozywreck.”

Hazelwood went on to say, “We were going to try to raise the Edmund Fitzgerald so we could head down south in style, but we sank our Fitzgerald-retrieval vessel en-route.”

Some are calling the pick a “dubious choice,” but Hazelwood is calling the people who are criticizing him as “an even more dubious choice.”

The captain is responding to critics thusly, “I have been cleaning water fowl with a toothbrush for the last twenty years.  Haven’t I suffered enough?  I just want a second chance to make things right. Oh, and if this doesn’t work out, Obama is going to let me head FEMA—which I believe is an acronym.  Hey, Barak-o, could I be the first Oil Spill Czar? You can’t deny I have the experience.”

When asked what really happened during the Exxon Valdez incident, he admitted, “I had a little Captain in me.”

He then did the nudge-nudge, wink-wink bit.

Athens, GR—Zeus, the supreme deity of Greek mythology, admitted to authorities today that he hurled the lightning bolt that destroyed the six-story Jesus statue off I-75 in Monroe, Ohio.

People who witnessed the incident claim, the clouds parted and then a large, partially clad Greek God yelled down, “Take that, you fucker!”

And then Jesus said unto him, “Father, why have you forsaken…oh, it’s not you this time.”

The statue then burst into flames and melted.

One witness claims Jesus said, “I’m melting, I’m melting,” but this parishioner later admitted her account may be distorted by consuming “way too much Blood of Christ and, oh, I had a little Captain in me.”

When asked why he did it, Zeus said, “It was originally Prometheus’ idea, the bloody pyro.”

Zeus also blamed his poor behavior on a childhood filled with abuse and neglect.

“My father, Cronus, was a real asshole.  The bastard ate all of my brothers, among other things.  You just don’t get over that…”

When asked if he was sorry for his actions, he said, “Jesus had it coming.  That wanker stole so much shit from, my boy, Dionysus, it ain’t funny.”

Are you an independent thinker?  Do you want to earn over 200K a year after taxes?  Taxes that, if you’re hired, you can probably dodge anyway?

Experience needed in writing and public speaking. Must have ability to follow a budget and at least 2 years experience in profit/loss management. Must be proficient in picking the right people for open positions.  Knowledge of U.S. Constitution a must. Need proof of efficiency training. Must prove citizenship. Ability to aim and fire a weapon helpful, but not required.  

Scuba diving certificate and knowledge of deep sea aquatic engineering a plus.

Career politicians, lawyers, and persons affiliated with the far left or the far right-fringe elements NEED NOT APPLY.

Philadephia, PA—The Daily Discord surrendered to authorities today after admitting they created the infamous photo plastered all over the media last week.  The image caused quite a commotion.

Maria Juarez of Guatemala City said, “I recognized the location and shouted, ‘Our day care center! The Earth has devoured our children!’”

“We never thought it would get this far,” said Mick Zano, a Discord contributor.  “The hole in the photo looks ridiculously large, spherical, and fake…like Michael Moore.”

CEO, Peirce Winslow, takes full responsibility for the incident.

“We picked this image out of four sink hole submissions.  The first had a big eye at the bottom (heh, heh), the second had a Cthulhu-like tentacle coming up out of it, and the last one depicted Reid and Pelosi doing some jungle love action down there.  I really didn’t understand that one.  I decided to keep it simple—just the big hole—and then we submitted the thing to places, and wow!  I wanted to correct the mistake, but sometimes good business is where you find it.  And sometimes, just sometimes, that somewhere is at the bottom of a giant PhotoShopped hole in Guatemala.” 

“We thought we could get away with it,” said Zano.  “I mean, who reports live from Guatemala?   We probably just fly over it with some secret Predator Blogs, or something.  But, it got too big too fast, so our lawyer suggested we come forward.  He’s a busy man, our lawyer.”

If something you submit gets too big, too fast for over four hours, consult your physician immediately. 

Haven’t you ever wondered, what the hell happened your sophomore year?  Why did she really break up with me?  Why did I wake up naked in that a Tijuana jail?  Was that gladiatorial games reference on the back of that citation legit, or simply some cop’s bad handwriting?

Hi, I’m Mick Zano, and I don’t remember anything that happened in college.  I know many of the Discord contributors were there and lots of campus, local, and state police personnel.  But, after just six hours of reviewing What the Fuck Did I Do?, I understood a lot more about my shady past as well as my recurring nightmares.   As it turns out, I really can’t work in this field, and should resign now.  And, yes, it was gladiatorial games, by the way.

“I knew my husband was an asshole in college,” said Mrs. Zano.  “And now, after he shared the details of his sordid past from What the Fuck Did I Do?, I want him out of my life forever.”

Dave Atsals had this to say, “I realize I misjudged my probation officers.  After reading the file over a long weekend, well, I would’ve been a dick to me too.  You really can’t begin the healing process until you know what happened. And, now I know I’m a terrible, terrible, unredeemable soul, and I think I’m a better person for it.”

Hi, I’m Shagg, owner and founder of What the Fuck Did I Do?  I had to double my disk space and bandwidth when the Discord gang signed up for my services, but the peace of mind they now share is worth every penny.  And, remember, I’m not only the What the Fuck Did I Do? president, I’m also a client.

A group of New Jersey moms have announced their intentions today of filing a lawsuit against Ann Coulter for inflammatory statements made last week at Princeton University while she crushed the life out of a small puppy.  The five progressive feminists are “deeply hurt and offended” by Coulter’s remarks.

“She called us names, which we categorize as hate speech, and we hate her speeches as well,” said Betty Jenkins of Tom’s River.

“My ears are still bleeding,” added Barb Nelson of Camden.  “Not because of her speech, Ann repeatedly jammed a pen into them.”

In retaliation to the hurtful verbiage, the group plans to create a PhotoShopped version of Coulter in a Nazi uniform sporting a strap-on.  They then plan to barrage the internet with these images through their wildly popular Facebook pages.

“We have reason to believe she is a Nazi lesbian,” said Mrs. Jenkins.  “Or, at least that was our conclusion at the last ‘all pussy pajama party’” (as seen on the Ghetto Shaman’s favorite links!)

“It’s ridiculous,” responded Coulter.  “I already have a penis, so a strap-on is totally superfluous, and, more importantly, my Nazi uniform fits.”

Coulter feels these “sniveling prissy liberal sluts” are going to get theirs and then she inquired as to the time and location of the next ‘all pussy pajama party.’  Incidentally, so did the Ghetto Shaman.

Intercourse, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, watched as the Supreme Diety burned his rural Pennsylvania home to the ground over Memorial Day weekend.

“It was horrible,” said Winslow.  “God can really make you feel helpless.  Sure, you can flip him off and yell obscenities from your front lawn, but if that fucker wants to torch your house, he’s gonna do it.”

Winslow believes that God tried to contact the Daily Discord several times last week, but his messages were ignored.

“Zano just doesn’t answer shit,” said Winslow.  “He’s like an idiot savant without the savant.  We have good people contributing material and we never answer any of them. God himself even tried our contact button last week, but we rarely answer such things.  Heck, there’s a porn star that keeps emailing the Ghetto Shaman and we didn’t even answer her last few questions.  So, under those circumstances, what chance does God have for a response, really?  On that note, what’s the difference between a porn star and God?  I would get up early on Sunday for a porn star.”

Winslow added, “I don’t even know why he’s sticking up for Muhammad.  That prophet has issues.  Somehow our article Jesus to be Brought before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case goes unnoticed, not to mention all of our recent Pope bashing and now the big guy goes and picks a fight?”

Winslow wants God to know that a Mr. Cohen will be pressing his contact button soon, bitch.

Chandeleur Islands, LA—British Petroleum spokesperson, Peter Metcalfe, added, “In the grand scheme of things, the final episode of Lost will prove more significant to the average U.S. citizen than our little mishap. Is turning the Gulf waters into the Gulf oils really such a big deal? Look, sure we bought the cheaper valve and, sure, we purchase most of our parts from the Off Shore Drilling Barn—well, the one’s we don’t get from Ronco—but what were we supposed to do? Our profits were down to nearly a thousand percent! Mr. Burns is very critical of such wasteful spending.”

Mr. Burns added, “Killing off entire ecosystems is always an opportunity for the surviving species…like oil men, for instance. Smithers, release the grease gobbling monkeys!”