Washington, DC—General David Petraeus announced his intentions today to shift an outdated policy on gays in the military to the exit strategies for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

When questioned about the logic of expanding a policy the army may soon overrule, Petraeus said, “It’s true that don’t ask don’t tell may well be repealed in the near future, but before we send it off to pasture, it’s sorely needed in other arenas.  Think of it as a ‘surge’ before we pull out all together.”

Petreus then asked to have that last statement stricken from the record, as it “sounded a little gay.” 

Petraeus believes that the policy, which would include: “the press shutting the fuck up about all withdrawal timetables,” could be successfully applied to both military engagements.

“Of course we wouldn’t say, shut the fuck up about all withdrawal timetables,” clarified Petreus. “We would simply say, ‘Sorry, that question is in violation of our don’t ask don’t tell policy.’ After my statement, I might add the word, bitches, in rare instances, but only because I’m a huge Ghetto Shaman fan.”

Petraeus believes the new policy would allow U.S Military time to establish permanent bases in Iraq and Afghanistan, which could come in handy when the U.S. “takes a shit.”

When asked when he thought the U.S. would, in fact, “take a shit”, Petraeus replied, “I think we could successfully expand don’t ask don’t tell to include all press questions in the near future.”  The General then went on a wildly inappropriate, Bush-channeling tirade, “We need to come out of the closet there, or they will follow us into the closet here! They’ll stand up, when we go down!” and, the Discord staff’s personal favorite, “They hate us for our FemDom.”

Nowhere, AZ—Mick Zano is in police custody tonight after the grisly discovery of several body parts at his residence.  Mr. Zano has “no idea” how the human remains came to inhabit his freezer, and his only alibi, a “masseuse” on Spring Mountain Road in Vegas, doesn’t speak Engrish, but did tell police, “Bad man.  Bad tipper.”

Despite maintaining his innocence, Zano remains a person of interest in the case, and may be connected to several other missing women across the southwest.

His boss and CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow disagrees with authorities, “He’s really not that interesting.”

When asked if he thought Zano might be a serial murderer/cannibal Winslow, said, “Sure, but he’s still not that interesting.”

Police questioned Mr. Zano at his current job as a Walmart greeter after he was found running up and down aisle four accosting various customers with a bottle of A1 Sauce.

A customer claims Zano asked her, “Did you find everything OK?” then added, “Could I marinate your arm overnight?”

Zano is maintaining his innocence despite a damning eyewitness description (bottom right), which is building a strong case for the prosecution.

Both of his friends and fans are sticking by Mr. Zano, but “Not too closely. He tends to bite,” said Sarah Angelfire, a fellow Discord contributor.

Zano weakened his own defense earlier today with this statement, “If you’re not going to do anything with it, can I keep the meat?  Please, can I get one of those Hannibal Lecter hockey mask thingies?”

Washington, DC-At the final confirmation hearing for Elena Kagan Thursday, Senator Ben Nelson (NE-D) meant to vote against Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination but, instead, shouted, “I don’t think Kagan can follow DeGeneres in a show as important for U.S. interests as American Idol!”

Several colleagues tried to calm the agitated Senator down to no avail. President Obama himself texted Nelson during the outburst and offered his state free healthcare (again), as well as weekly treasure baths at Camp David if he would simply, “sit the fuck down.”

Completely inconsolable, Nelson yelled, “You lie!”

He then hurled his Blackberry at Kagan, before saying, “The Idol is dead; it’s dead, I tell ya! Nothing else really matters anymore, you toothless whore!”

After an uncomfortably long period of sobbing, Nelson tried to secede from the union–until someone reminded him that if Nebraska seceded, no one would notice.

Nelson later told the press, “Truckers along Route 80 would notice. Especially when I start opening fire on the bastards!”

Police had to forcibly remove Nelson from Capital Hill, and Chief Clancy Wiggum of Springfield later told the press the Senator was “all doped up on goofballs.”

Nelson denies being on goofballs, or even knowing what goofballs are, exactly.

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, admitted to the press today over 6,000 internal emails between Discord contributors were released to the public in a move many are calling “intentional.”

Winslow is downplaying the impact of the incident, “The fact remains these documents don’t reveal any issues that haven’t already informed our public debate regarding the behavioral and psychological health of my staff.”

The following are two examples of actual correspondence between Discord contributors:

From: the ghetto shaman
Sent: Thursday, April, 9, 2009  2:20AM
To: pwinslow12@yahoo.com

Subject: Re: I’m bringing the potato gun to the next party, bitches!

Winslow, buddy.  don’t let the large number fool you.  bail is always set at 10% of the fine. 10%! peanuts for a big man like you.  oh, and I told you that putting all of your money in Shagg Technologies was a bad idea, bitch.

Ghetto Shaman

From: mick zano
Sent: Thursday, May 08, 2008 1:19 PM
To: DDiscord@yahoogroups.com

Subject: Re: [The Discord] Re: I’m not usually like that on jagermeister, baby, honest

Captain’s Blog 5/8/08,

The Discord is off to a shaky start, folks. Winslow has spent untold thousands on drunken “business meetings” and the Crank’s video submissions are obscene, senseless, and costly.  After watching his last video I feel dirty. Thankfully, we don’t have the bandwidth for videos yet. As far as increasing submissions, Dave Atsals is still in the final stages of his first sentence, which has the word doohickey in it (twice), spelled differently each time.  Neither is the way i would spell doohickey, mind you, but that’s what final editing is for, right? heh, heh.  On a good note, Winslow has finished outsourcing the web design to a man named, Mr. Rufies, who promises to finish the project if we all meet him at the mall around closing time. Otherwise things are going quite smoothly (for us).

Mick Z.

Seven Pakistani men are in custody today and many are asking the question “how could this have not happened?”

Thanks to a missed memo, the CIA was able to thwart an attack against the Vice President’s mouth.  The plot was foiled despite a recent Rasmussen poll revealing over 90% of those polled actually believe the attack should have been allowed to commence unhindered.  The intelligence community admits there was incessant terrorist chatter to finally put an end to the Vice President’s incessant chatter in the days leading up to the planned attack.  The seven men accused were caught possessing enough explosives to blow Biden’s mouth clean off of his face. 

“We had plenty of notice to not stop the attack on the Vice President’s mouth,” said CIA head Leon Panetta.  “We knew the attack was coming, but we stopped it anyhow.  I take full responsibility for Joe Biden’s continued ability to speak.”

Head of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, understands America’s desire to shut Joe Biden’s mouth but is accused of spinning the story, thusly:  “I get it.  Remember, I have to sit next to the guy in meetings.  But what if Biden’s mouth could be used for good?  We could broadcast it along our southern border to deter illegals, or threaten its use against North Korea, or maybe even use it against BP executives.”