To help pay for Obamacare and to decrease the national debt on the eve of the midterm elections, Obama has sold Texas back to Mexico.

“I know this is a bit of a shocker,” said Obama. “Obviously Mexico couldn’t pay squat for Texas, so we dealt directly with the drug cartels.  Cash for illicit substances will now go to cutting our national debt. Spending our way out of this fiasco has failed, but snorting our way out should be fun and economical! Besides, most Texans want to go anyway so don’t let the panhandle hit your ass on the way out.”

The Obama Administration is adamantly denying plans to return to 1845 boundaries, which would also include half of New Mexico and parts of Colorado.  When asked about our highways, Obama said, “Route 20 will be lost to us, but here’s our plan for Route 40, if we just raised the highway off the ground a few inches, we could probably slide the panhandle out from underneath it, preferably at night, when no one is looking.”

When asked if there’s anything Obama would miss about our 28^th state, he said, “There is this  great little Jazz club in Austin but, don’t worry, it’s scheduled to be choppered to D.C. before things are finalized—which, by the way, adds 47 construction jobs to my stimulus program totals.”

Washington, DC—Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath is live today from the National Mall, where an estimated “shit load” of people are arriving for the Ghetto Shaman’s Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul.  “There is mass confusion here, however, as other events seem to be occurring simultaneously,” said McGrath. “There are other posters circulating, similar in design to the Shaman’s.  Not sure if this is splinter group, or a tribute, or something more sinister.”

In an effort to save America, the Shaman planned to enter an alternate dimension by ingesting six Ziploc bags of ground nutmeg and six flasks of Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20. McGrath had a chance to talk to the Shaman before his departure from this realm.

The Shaman reportedly said, “Wooh hoooh, bitches!” before stumbling down the steps outside of the Lincoln Memorial into the hands of security personnel. 

Some theorize the Ghetto Shaman was doused in baby oil to lessen the friction between dimensions, whereas others believe he is just a sick bastard.  Did his altered state of consciousness allow him to complete his task?  Is our country’s soul safely back in one piece?  We may never know the truth, or at least not until Winslow makes his bail again. 

Philadelphia, PA—The Discord’s Ghetto Shaman met with CEO, Pierce Winslow, to discuss plans for his Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul.  On October 30th, at the National Mall, the Shaman is planning to ingest enough ground nutmeg and Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20 to “down a rhino.”  He then intends to depart this dimensional plane of existence for a darker realm, possibly Newark, in hopes of finding an ever-important shard of our country’s soul.  Upon his return, he will restore our nation’s greatness and claim some fair bystander as his rightful queen (in no particularly order).  He then plans to do things he would rather not talk about with ‘said’ queen. 

Pierce Winslow is in full support of the event, “This is going to be huge!  We’re talking ‘my balls’ huge! If anyone wants to be bused to The National Mall on October 30th, simply meet us at the Liberty Bell Pavilion in Philly.”  

The Discord’s CEO suggests hitting the site’s contact button for more details. Insiders claim Winslow has already rented a mid-sized sedan, possibly an Impala, from Avis rent-a-car for the big day.

“That’s just the beginning.  I am prepared to upgrade to a full-size sedan if demand warrants,” said Winslow.  “Avis has some good deals right now, especially for AAA members.”

Pyrgos, GR—A disturbing discovery in a sea cave near the Grecian city of Pyrgos brings into question the entire life’s work of one, Theodore Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss. The ancient scrolls, discovered by archeologist Dr. Sterling Hogbein, suggest the children’s book author is a fraud.

“He’s a crook in my book, a scamazon in my Amazon, a swindle in my Kindle,” said Dr. Hogbein to reporters.  “The real author of those childhood gems was, none other than, the head of the Greek pantheon, Zeus himself!”

Once cleared, the cave walls were found to be covered with numerous children’s stories, such as The Grinch who Stole My Lightening Bolt, Green Eggs and Ambrosia, and There’s a Cracken in My Shacken.  In an adjacent cave, Dr. Hogbein deciphered: If I Ran Olympus, Horton Hears a Harpy, and one of Zeus’s personal favorites, Oh, the Places You’ll Go: When Hera Finds out About You, Mortal Bitch!

The final and perhaps most sinister tale is entitled: One Fish, Two Fish, Red fish… Fuck My Brother, Poseidon, and the Seahorse He Rode in on!

The sea cave is feared to be cursed as, later that night, several members of Hogbein’s expedition became ill during a local bar crawl. One member was unable to continue the excavation until the following day.  And…well, that’s about it, but it’s still pretty suspicious. 

The Pentagon—General David Petraeus told the press today, “The Daily Discord is senseless and vile.”

When someone informed him of their plans to carry out Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day, the general had even less charitable comments for the controversial e-zine. 

“If the Discord goes through with their Halloween hijinx, it could endanger our troops in the field and undermine our mission in Afghanistan.  Bradley armored vehicles might be TPd and scores of improvised flaming pooh bags (IFPBs) might be strategically placed outside all of our bases’ gates.  A lot of people will be left with egg on their face. Images of sobbing, egg-covered Imams would undoubtedly be used by extremists as propaganda.  For lack of a better phrase, it would only egg them on,” said Petraeus.

“We aren’t stopping this time,” said CEO, Pierce Winslow.  “When we caved to pressure last time and failed to carry out Burn the Duran Day, a little part of the Discord died.  Besides, what better way to put those recalled Iowa eggs to some good use, eh?”