Clifton, NJ—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pro Shop, has startled the archeological community again with his excavation of a giant statue of The Daily Discord’s columnist, the Ghetto Shaman.  Dr. Hogbein has spent much of his career seeking an ancient race situated between the Hackensack and the Passaic River in a land known as Middle-Jersey.

Dr. Hogbein believes this civilization existed in Jersey an astounding forty-thousand years ago.  He also believes the Ghetto Shaman receives nightly transmissions from the Toltec gods and may well be an avatar, returning again and again when the world is in most need of public drunkenness.

“We weren’t sure this was actually the same Shaman until we reached the Basal Paleolithic level (c. 39,000 B.C.),” said Dr. Hogbein.  “There we discovered a necklace comprised of partially consumed chicken wings, possibly of the early Domino’s or Papa John’s variety.  We became certain at the pre-Specialty Brew level, where numerous empty cans of malt liquor products were found.”

The Ghetto Shaman has responded to the professor’s theories thusly, “The only nightly transmission I receive involves a professional woman named Isis.”

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is pursuing legal action against The Daily Show for hosting a rally on the same day, same time, and at the same place with similarly designed rally posters.

“Our D.C. rally got no publicity!” said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. “The Ghetto Shaman’s speech and subsequent arrest were simply a footnote, a distraction, a freak show!”

To add insult to perjury, Stewart is denying any wrongdoing and told Rachel Maddow in a recent interview, “There’s no real honor in satire.”

Winslow feels this is an obvious slight directed at the Discord.

“Excuse me?” said Winslow. “Haven’t you read our coverage on Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day? We changed journalism to something wholly other that day…like gournalism. And, as for your other comments during that interview, we are a fake fake News organization, which is completely different.”

Here is a Pierce Winslow excerpt from the actual lawsuit letter:

“I believe The Daily Discord is the victim of illegal and discriminatory rally practices. I have fully investigated my rights in this matter—and by ‘I’, I mean I have people for that, and by ‘fully investigated’, I mean I have conducted several non-porn related Google searches (NPRGS).”

Find the entire letter here.

“Bottom line, we spared no expense on those rally banners,” added Winslow, “…well, some expense on Zano’s, obviously.”

Wasilla, AK—Some claim the lady doth protest too much, but is the Tea Bag Queen making a run for literacy? MILF Theatre, in conjunction with Portrait of a Blinking Idiot.com, presents Sign on My Facebook and Tell Me You’ll Vote for Me.

Set your tweets on Elizabethan as Palin conjures some literary magic.  Sarah has clearly done some amazing things with wordage, verbiage, and phonics-age. Act now and receive all of the Bard of Wasilla’s witticisms during this limited time offer. 

You’ll get such classic social site moments as: To tweet or not to tweet, you betch ya’ and Tax cuts are such sweet borrow. And, of course: To suffer the slings and arrows of refudiated progressives.  And, who could forget?  A course! A course! My kingdom for some eduma—a course!

But wait!  If you act now, you’ll get Et tu Brut by Faberge, as well as all 27 butchered words from, Lord what fools these liberal bloggers be.  And what offer would be complete without A plague on both your houses (and, by both, I mean Liberals and Progressives).  If you order right now, you’ll also receive the entire personal collection of Levi thou art a little shit tweets, for no extra charge.

All the world’s a stooge, folks, and we are merely Palins!  Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have busts thrusting and heaving with perky nipples!

Bag End, HBT—A number of men in black were seen riding through Bree and parts of the Shire late last night.  Eyewitnesses claim they were searching for a hobbit known as Bilbo Baggins.   Locals report, Baggins has remained a recluse ever since the Harvard Lampoon referred to him as Dildo Bugger in a popular spoof.  Some believe the riders were searching for a piece of jewelry, or perhaps other things to pawn.

A local wizard named Gandalf the Grey told reporters, “A shadow moves in the east, there are whispers of a nameless fear, and the Green Dragon has a steep cover charge tonight.” 

Gandalf later expounded upon his earlier statements, “The fires of Mount Doom are ablaze, there are worse things than goblins in the darker places of the world, and there are, indeed, strange things afoot at the Circle-K.” 

Here to make sense of that, and more, is our own Mad Dog mystic, the Ghetto Shaman, “Dildo Bugger, heh, heh.  That’s fucking great!”

In other local news, farmer Maggot is reporting crops have been taken from his field again.  He is blaming the dark riders for the mischief.  Roseypalm Glandheaver of Bugger-downs has reported her dog missing.  The faithful companion was last seen pissing on an Ent.

“I can’t imagine what could have happened to him,” said Glandheaver.