CyberSpace—Julian Assange has unleashed his next wave of devastation and this time it’s personal.  His latest WikiLeaks dump reveals a bevy of unethical journalistic behavior over at the popular e-zine, The Daily Discord.  The dump shows an epidemic of invented news events, fictitious sources, and fabricated letters to the editor.

“Bullshit!” responded CEO Pierce Winslow. “We don’t even have an editor.  Assange is dead! Dead! I’ll bend him into a little stool pigeon pretzel and feed him to Dick Cheney.  Well, a no-salt version, of course, due to our former VP’s blood pressure.”

When asked if there was any truth to the sea of allegations, Winslow said, “Hell no.  I don’t think Assange used a condom for this one either, nor any lubricant.”

Winslow then released the hounds, the flying monkeys, and the seven plagues of Egypt, before issuing a dire warning, “Doesn’t Assange realize that finding out what the government is up to is just how Nazi Germany started?”

Cupertino, CA—Apple Computer, Inc is at it again, folks.  They are very excited to announce the release of their new sex-life enhancement module, the iPud.  You too can now download music, play video games, and bang as many hos as you want—all with just a click!  It’s duel action, which means…well, since we’re Geek Squad types, we don’t really know what that means, but we’re sure you’ll figure it out. 

The iPud also comes with GPS capability, so you’ll always know just where the fuck you are.  And, for our senior citizens—otherwise known as Discord staffers—consider the cash you’ll save on Viagra.  Turn your software into hardware with just a touch of a screen.  Use your own God-given apparatus or tag your teammate, the iPud, for endless hours of binary boinking.  You will never need an expansion card to download ever again! And, no matter where you stick your iPud, it can still check email, take photos, and text.  Caution: texting while driving is illegal in most orifices. 

Order your iPud today!  …void where prohibiPud.

Heaven, HVN—The Wikileaked documents continue to mount up as few remain unscathed from this major security breech from hell…apparently, even hell.  One exchange is an email between Satan and God, wherein Satan makes fun of God.

“Look who plays me in movies, De Niro, Walken, the list goes on and on—who do you got, George Burns, hah?!” 

God then responded by saying, “Two words, bitch, Morgan Freeman!”

The email that is getting most of the attention, however, is a note from God to himself, which lays out his big plan in three steps:  

1. Eden Eject: Create the snake and the woman just to be sure.
2. Operation Guilt: Send a son, who is actually me in disguise, in the hopes of one day being in a Mel Gibson movie.
3. Operation Shaft: Somewhere around 2010 start fucking with Haiti (just becuase).

“There are several astounding revelations in this email,” said Christian scholar Timothy Andrews.  “Not the least of which is God’s complete inability to utilize spell check.”

“Obviously there’s a lot we don’t understand about our deity,” said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill, “Regardless, this is a huge victory for all mankind.  It’s a victory for the religious minded, because irrefutable proof of God now exists, and it’s a victory for the atheists, in that, it’s a bloody shame.”

Philadelphia, PA—Regrettably, Mick Zano will no longer be submitting the vast majority of the yucks yucks here on The Daily Discord.  Mr. Zano was given his two post notice this week along with a severance package consisting of a $5 Starbucks’ gift certificate and a 2009 desk calendar.  “Wow, first a pen set that turned out to be pencils and now this!” said Zano.

The Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, is firing Mr. Zano for several reasons, not the least of which is his recent connection to a string of brutal murders in the Tucson area.  Winslow is hoping the shakeup will send a stern message to the rest of the contributors.  When asked, Mr. Winslow had no idea what that message might be.   

“I just want him gone,” said Winslow.  “He has become increasingly demanding and increasingly demented.  And NO, Zano!  Our Photoshop workers are not going to create a golden statue in your likeness.  The guy’s got Colbert’s ego, minus the talent.”

Mick Zano believes his new duties at an undisclosed northern Arizona Walmart will sustain him.  “I’ll be just fine,” said Zano.  “Well, at least until the background check comes back.”

Chicago’s Midway Airport—Lines are not the only things getting longer at our local airports these days.  Although many travelers are frustrated and angered over new security procedures, one Midwestern airport has discovered some folks seem to really be enjoying the invasive new screening process.

“We decided with crisis comes cop-portunity,” said Security Chief, Jay Milken, of Aurora, Ill.  “Get it?  Some people really perk up at the security line and we thought, wow, here’s something we can take advantage of, so to speak.”

After confirming their suspicions with their new x-ray “boner identification” machines, Mr. Milken and his team swung into action.  Within a few days Midway Airport offered a range of extended screenings for cash.  Travelers who chose the “happy ending” security + screening got to choose the gender of their screener and the “extended/bonus” safety check. Security personnel also offered offered x-ray images of some of the other passengers to heighten arousal.  For an extra fee, flyers can also request the pocket pool extravaganza, or, for the more adventurous still, there’s always the extended cavity search.

“Fly the really friendly skies while improving airport security. Oh, and don’t forget to have your bags checked by one of our trained professionals, ladies, or how about one of our mammogram security checks?  Fly safe and fight breast cancer all while boarding your flight. It’s win, win, win!” said Milken.