Cairo, EG—In lieu of exile, President Mubarak has chosen to be placed in the King’s Chamber, located in the heart of the Great Pyramid of Giza, surrounded by family, friends, and his cabinet.

“This is not about me,” said Mubarak, “But the Great Pyramid of Mubarak does have a nice ring to it, eh?”

“I don’t want to cause a fuss,” continued Mubarak. “So let my legacy show I was a man of compromise. Look, King Tut got one and he ruled less than a decade, pussy. I should get three pyramids by that math! It’s not like I’m asking to be put up over in the Valley of the Kings or something. The rent over there is ridiculous.”

To ease the transition, the U.S. has offered to put Mubarak up in the Luxor in Vegas, but the President is adamant about remaining in Egypt.

“Exile is not what it is used to be,” said Mubarak. “No, I think that me, the Great Pyramid, a flat screen, a fridge, and some cold ones and I’ll be good to go.”

If his demands are met, he plans to restore the Internet to Egypt on his last day in office,.

“Oh, but Ethernet cable will need to be run for sure,” added Mubarak. “According to my IT guys, WiFi will be virtually impossible under six-million tons of limestone.”

New York, NY—Upon hearing of yet another study supporting the notion Fox News is not journalism, the Supreme Being acted.   Many feel Fox has reached absurd levels of misinformation, and that they are a joke, a joke designed to strike Discord at the heart…  OK, this does sound like us, but hear us out. Regardless, the powers that be saw fit to send three journalistic ghosts to Rupert Murdoch’s mansion in an attempt to change the CEO of Fox’s evil ways.  Or at least that was the plan.

Neighbors report hearing the sound of chains dragging and clanging, and some haunting cries before the spectral form of Walter Cronkite came bolting from the residence like a banshee.

“He seemed very distraught,” said a neighbor, who witnessed the incident but asked to remain anonymous. “It wasn’t the usual “my life ended tragically” kind of thing.  This was more of an ‘it just happened, sheer terror egress’ kind of thing. I’ve never seen a ghost look so upset.”

The effectiveness of the visit remains in question at this hour, but Cronkite allegedly texted the Ghosts of Journalism Present and Journalism Future right after the episode.  The full text, though initially classified, was released on WikiLeaks:

OMG! Murdoch is f-ing nuts. Abort! Rendezvous at Olbermann’s place

XOXO

Whereas the majority of the text message is self explanatory, the XOXO remains disturbing to many who knew Cronkite personally and never suspected he was so touchy-feely.

Cairo, EG—From the beginning, the Ghetto Shaman World Tour (GSWT) was plagued with problems. The recent upheaval in Egypt was the last camel straw.  Following citizen uprisings in Tunisia, Algeria, and Yemen, civil unrest in Jordan and the Kurdish section of Syria, and now Egypt, Daily Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow said “enough is enough.” 

“It’s no coincidence all this political unrest spawned within days of each of the Ghetto Shaman’s tour stops,” said Winslow. “I’m all for stirring the pot, but I don’t want the Discord’s GSWT to become the Franz Ferdinand of World War III.  Besides, I told the bastard not to do the Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day bit. Moron.”

While not confirmed, reports suggest Winslow received a threatening phone call from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.  It’s also been reported “Mossad” was mentioned several times during the call.

Homeland Security states it will not lower the current threat level until the Shaman is safely back in his sweat lodge.

Seattle, WA—As for caffeine, Starbucks has always pushed the legal-limit envelope.  Sure there’s no legal limit for caffeine, but Starbucks represents the poster child for why we will eventually need one.  Before today, there were only such trendy sizes as Short (tiny), Tall (small), Grande (medium), and Venti (large). But America is all about supersizing shit, so Starbucks broke out their trusty Italian dictionary and came up with another swank word for ridiculously-oversized. Their new extra-large, the Gigantesco, translates as—we don’t know exactly—but it’s probably synonymous with permanent insomnia.  It represents 146 oz of specialty coffee with 24 shots of blood-pressure-enhancing espresso.  It’s nearly 3x the size of 7-11’s Big Gulp and you need to sign a waiver when you order it.  Oh, and financing is available for those who qualify.

A Starbucks’ spokesperson told the press today their new drink “has enough caffeine to give a rhino a schizophrenic break.”

By the way, this may well end up being the corporation’s new motto. 

They would also like to add, “Fuck you, Red Bull.”

Competitors over at Seattle’s Best argue the validity of Starbuck’s rhino analogy.  They believe the rhino in question would have to have had a predisposition for schizophrenia.

Starbuck’s maintains they are just trying to give Americans what they want, the jitters.  This is a fast-paced world, and it’s about to get even faster.  Head to your nearest Starbucks today and bring a friend…no really, it takes two people to carry it out.