Vatican, Rome—Pope Benedict, The Whatsas, astounded everyone today by announcing that altar boys will no longer be used throughout Catholicism.  From this day forward, the Vatican plans to employ only altar girls.

“Since our priests can’t seem to be trusted to keep their hands off the testaments of little boys, we had little choice,” said the Pope. “A recent internal survey found that young ladies are much safer from abuse around our current spokesmen of God.”

Pope Eggs Benedict explained his gaffe as simply an attempt at jocularity.

 “You’re supposed to start off with a joke, right?  Heh, heh.  But we certainly don’t want altar boys out of the flock entirely, especially with business as bad as it is and all.”

Alex Bone believes the serpent god,Yig, is much safer around children than Christian priests, “Besides, Yig can only swallow one child at a time.”

Republicans point out this could save the taxpayers countless therapy dollars, so they, bi and large, support the One Child’s Engulfed Behind Program.

New York, NY-A Fox News contributor is a prestigious gig.  Reporting to a studio when called and then being consistently wrong on any number of topics sounds easy—landing the job is anything but.  War crimes seem to be a good resume booster, so Oliver North has some job security for his part in the Iran Contra scandal.  Anyone named ‘Bush’s Brain’ and the ‘architect’ from 2001-2009 is a safe bet, eh Karl? Jail time for white collar crimes or impeachable offenses is always good in a pinch.

“We can’t wait until the Hammer’s paroled,” said Fox head, Rupert Murdoch, “and as for Jared Loughner, I’ve seen his little campus videos; we will be watching his career with great interest.”

Murdoch feels Loughner, the Tucson shooter, may end up their Senior Tea Party Correspondent.

“Sure, the Tea Party is full of good, honest Americans, but they do tend to pick increasingly insane spokespeople,” said Murdoch.  “They’re on track for a Loughner.  He’s a gun rights advocate and he’s already taken out some Democrats.  In the future, they’ll call that 2 for 2.”

The big question remains is Glenn Beck blowing his chances?  There’s only one prominent correspondent who got where he is today solely by inaccuracy: William Krystol, of Weekly Standard fame.  Krystol has made a career on bad predictions and faulty logic, but Beck already has some missteps in this area.  He was right about the upcoming financial crisis, long ago, and continues to point out the un-sustainability of some U.S. programs and pensions.  Sure, he’s been completely bat shit for the last few years, but is it too little too late?

Starkville, MS—The Foresters of Boston, MA were successfully relocated to a rural Mississippi community last month as part of a national effort to reintroduce the liberal species into areas where they are all but extinct.  Thus far billions of stimulus dollars have been channeled into this important project.

“If conservative thought dominates an area, it aint pretty,” said Dr. Peter Gallagher, a social conservationist from Brown University. “The introduction of new ideas is important for the intellectual health of a region.”

Dr. Gallagher believes liberals raised in captivity can be safely released into the bush almost anywhere in the continental U.S. One exception is Alaska. Dr. Gallagher fears liberals would be hunted by helicopter by a certain former governor.

Libertarians argue that the radio tracking collars worn by those relocated is unconstitutional.

“It’s for their own safety,” argues Gallagher.  “Liberals are near extinct in Mississippi for a reason.  You send someone into Jackson with an I ♥ Nancy Pelosi T-shirt and you’re going to be cutting someone down from a tree.”

Thus far results of reintroduction have been mixed.

“We’re not expecting liberal thought to thrive in these areas, but we just don’t want it to die out completely.”

Conversely, trials are underway to extend the habitats of Tea Party activists into downtown San Francisco.

“These are generally safer moves, but thus far equally as ineffective,” said Gallagher.