The Ocean— Somewhere deep in the North Arabian Sea, a couple of sharks have left their mark and hundreds of smaller fish are relentlessly nibbling at the Arab warrior’s flesh.  Bin Laden’s big nose is host to several lampreys; there are amphipods working on his brain; and we don’t even want to tell you what some damnable hermit crabs are doing.  The ACLU is demanding that the marine life identified in an undersea video yesterday—which included two sharks, the 312 grouper, 79 blue-hake, and those damnable hermit crabs—must all be brought to justice.

“They are clearly violating his rights,” said Susan Herman, president of the ACLU.  “What is the deal with the ocean anyway?  It’s like a zoo, like an aquatic F–ing zoo!  These sea scavengers have no right to eat humans, even ones of questionable character.”

When asked about other decomposing forces, Herman said, “I’m glad you brought that up to the surface.  We shouldn’t let zoo or phytoplankton off the hook so easily.  There’s no reason for their voracious appetites, their senseless microscopic munching, and their newly acquired taste for human flesh.  But, first things first, we need to bring these larger fish to justice!  Doing that will send ripples throughout the marine ecosystem!”

Several squid had their beaks full and were unavailable for comment.

Middle Earth—Inspired by the Middle East, the Middle-Earth prepared to deal Sauron, the Dark Lord, a wicked blow by organizing an adversarial Meetup group at the Orcs’ Lodge in Lower Mordor.

Unfortunately for the orc uprising, Sauron monitors all online transmissions.  Big wizard is watching!  In retaliation, the sorcerer sent a devastating shockwave from the Dark Tower of Barad-dûr earlier today with fatal consequences.  The bulk of the energy was directed at the Orcs’ Lodge—the blast arrived amidst the Meetup group, disrupting further meaningful online discussion.  Witnesses claim the explosion was felt as far West as Minas Tirith and rattled the flagons as far east as the Scrotum & Mallet deep in the crevice of the Grey Mountains.  The thaumic burst killed an estimated 1,700 orcs and scattered tens of thousands more of the unsavory creatures throughout Middle-Earth. 

Despite the setback for the rebellion, the orc general, Gothmog, is holding out hope that his Twitter account could organize the disenchanted forces of evil much faster.

“Twitter will bring the Dark Lord to his knees!  Besides, I got 27 more followers last week and one of them even knows a cave troll who sympathizes with our cause.”

Gothmog has now been focusing his energies on Tweeting the Goblins over in the Mines of Moria and plans to Meetup with them very soon.

Washington, DC—After several air traffic controllers have recently fallen asleep on the job, FAA head, Randal Babbitt, has set some ground rules for all of our nation’s control towers.

“No longer will alcohol or other depressants be consumed or ingested during shift parties,” stated Babbitt.  “All comfy pillows, alcohol, and products containing sedating hypnotics have been confiscated and consumed at one of my house parties.”

Whereas lounge chairs and recliners remain permissible, the new policy demands they must face the windows and the control panels.  However, Babbitt warned his staff on Monday, “One more ‘incident’ and they’re gone too, bitches.”

When asked if he felt his measures were too extreme, Babbitt replied, “I think when several hundred people are landing in a plane, I demand at least some of our controllers are alert enough to land the fuckers safely.”

Babbitt understands he needs to balance the dangers of exhaustion with the fact the job is “insanely boring, especially at some of our more rural airports.”  Hookers and certain types of wild parties remain permissible, because, “Things like that will actually help keep them up,” added Babbitt.  “Pardon the pun.” 

When asked about issuing stimulants like crack cocaine or methamphetamine to avoid falling asleep on the job, Babbitt said, “I don’t want to fully endorse such substances at this time—at least not professionally.  Such stimulants have their place, like jammed up the ass of an international drug smuggler, but I don’t want them in my control towers, unless someone has to work a double.”