The North Pole—Each year NORAD tracks Santa’s sleigh and gives constant updates on its exact GPS location. NORAD relays Santa’s real time whereabouts, his next stop, and how many gifts he’s already delivered to all the good little girls and boys across the globe. This year many in the intelligence community are concerned this might be too much information in the hands of the nefarious. North Korea has recently expanded its long range ballistic missile capabilities, which could now deliver a nuclear warhead for the holidays in lieu of coal. Kim Jong Un promised President Trump a “Christmas surprise.” The Discord may have just have cracked the NK code and it’s not very Christmasy. The White House is denying President Trump received a card from Un, entitled Yule Be Sorry.

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Graham Cracker Manor, SC—Those close to Senator Graham (R-SC) believe he has been visited in a single night by the ghosts of John McCain, Ronald Reagan, and for some reason Slimer from the movie Ghostbusters. Former Senator John McCain allegedly told his dearest colleague, “I am here tonight to warn you, Eberlindsey Graham, that you have yet a chance to avoid your fate, which is to forever to be labeled a complete partisan hack and sellout. Oh, and sorry in advance for Slimer; Nixon was double-booked.”

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Tweet Tower—The entire intelligence community is on edge at this hour after President Trump inadvertently outed the country’s Secret Santa during a phone conversation with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov. The Director of National Intelligence, Joseph Maguire, told The Discord, “Since the president has revealed the Secret Santa, we are concerned that Angela Merkel is now going to know the United States just got her a coffee mug.” Meanwhile, republicans are seizing on the news and calling for an investigation into the makers of the coffee mug, claiming Democratic front-runner Joe Biden was seen with a similar coffee mug near an airport with international flights to Kiev.

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Twas The Night Before Impeachment, and all through the House,

Not another witness was subpoenaed to bring down this louse.

The evidence was presented by the judiciary chair,

In the hopes a conservative senator would bother to care,

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The year 2019 proved a tragic one for large spheres of flaming plasma throughout the galaxy. Among those lost are ACS-J1149, Zeta BC-25, and my personal favorite 144471-Ba. One group of stars that include B-Gamma-7 and 888741-E were subsumed by a very naughty black hole from the BDSM Quadrant. Several stars such as GN-z11, HD 140283, and RX J185635-3754 just fizzled out in what scientists are calling “a not so supernova.” And our own chief celestial correspondent, Alex Bone, claims we lost the entire HR-420 cluster after Stellular Resources conducted random coronal-ejection-analysis throughout the quadrant.

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Washington—The White House is denying allegations that the bombing of three separate banks believed to be housing the president’s financial records was intentional. The Pentagon has confirmed three US drone strikes have leveled Capital One headquarters in VA, the US headquarters of the French company, Mazars, in NY, and a third location at …some Deutsche bank. The White House is maintaining these are unrelated incidents that the president himself is calling “collusional damage” and “tax erasetion.”

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