Boston, MA—The security of the Mitt Romney3000, as seen on TV, has been compromised this week.  Hackers were able to gain access to some of the Romney 3000’s secure files while it was in sleep mode.  Romney handlers are not sure the extent of the breech, but warn sensitive data might be in the wrong hands at this hour.

“Thankfully I have nothing to hide,” said one Romney3000 model.  “I have been programmed to avoid any and all scandals and to adapt to any political climate or situation.” 

Original programmers for the Romney3000 envisioned the presidential candidate actually changing skin tone and dialect to match the desired audience.  The Romney3000 is also believed to be capable of adapting to extreme environments throughout the Universe, such as the surface of Mars or Tea Party rallies.

Romney handlers claim a new and improved firewall has been created to protect Romney and his other mechanical helpers.  They are also upgrading the oral filters and improving the linguistic algorithm to avoid any perception of flip-flopping.

When asked about a potential running mate, the Romney3000 said, “Team Romney will choose the appropriate humanoid running mate, preferably one with Windows compatible software.”

Guantanamo Bay, CU—George Bush and Dick Cheney are adamantly denying the use of Dementors in any Black Magic Ops between 2002 and 2008.   Allegations are surfacing that cruel and very unusual punishment was implemented on several suspected Al Qaeda terrorists.  One Guantanamo detainee claims they were forced to watch certain Azkaban scenes from that Harry Potter movie “Clockwork Orange style.”  Another inmate said he was told Dementors circle the island and they would suck out the souls of any would-be escapees.  Some even claim that during many good cop/bad cop interrogation strategies, Dementors filled the role of bad cop. 

When asked if these Dementors might simply have been CIA agents in dark hoods, one detainee responded, “Ummm, have you ever had part of your soul ripped out through your nostrils?”

Despite the controversy, Bush stands by his enhanced enchantment techniques.

“Sure we threatened to use them, which netted us actionable intelligence.  It saved American lives,” said Bush. 

But the former President denies Dementors were ever directly on the CIA’s payroll and he dismisses such rumors as liberal propaganda.

When questioned, former Vice President Dick Cheney refused to address allegations of his own involvement in an even more clandestine Secret Dementor Program.

“Why are you asking me this?  Do I look like the kind of guy who would….never mind.  Just fuck off,” said Cheney.

New York, NY—Rupert Murdoch is denying the possibility his troubles overseas will result in any fallout here in the U.S.   The tycoon’s handling of his News of the World scandal is under considerable scrutiny this week.  Sadly, any cover up is proving difficult as his closets are already brimming with skeletons and the last rain exposed hundreds of other corpses in his backyard.  As his British Empire buckles, Murdoch is now defending his prized possession, Fox News.

Murdoch told reporters, “We are too biased to fail.  Just imagine a hundred million people unsure about how to respond to current events?  You’ve heard of the opiate of the masses?  Well, Fox News talking points are the benzos of the bozos.” 

Murdoch said, even if it is decided Fox must go, a five year wean-period would be necessary before “his viewers could muster even the most rudimentary precursors of independent thought.”  Later in the interview, Murdoch warned, “If we go cold turkey, viewers could turn to something worse than Fox, something even more extreme.”

When asked what could possibly be more extreme than Fox News, Murdoch said, “That show Hoarders.  You know, about those people who horde shit in their house.   That’s pretty fucking extreme.”

Lexington, SC—With Sarah Palin out and Michele Bachmann still trailing Romney in the polls, real Americans have become really desperate for that perfect spokesperson. The Tea Party is happy to announce they are now rallying behind a single voice—a person who best represents their values.

It all started when a Facebook Tea Party MeetUp group made a startling YouTube discovery.  They happened to play a quote from a Miss Teen U.S.A. finalist from 2007, during which she was asked, “A fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”

She responded, “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such…etc.”

“We knew right then Bachmann and Palin had nothing on this chick,” said MeetUp organizer Bess Thompson. 

Caitlyn Upton, now 22, was then approached by the Tea Party group and Upton told them, “I am honored to work with real U.S.A. Americans again, uh, on such an import Liberty Bells of freedom thing, uh, such as South Africa and Iraq, and such.”

“She had me from hello” said Thompson. “Even though, technically, she didn’t say hello.” 

Further questioning revealed Upton greeted the Tea People with an “uh” and a grunt, and then mumbled something about Hooters.

When questioned about her Liberty Bell comment, she replied, “When Douglas Adams climbed the Liberty Bell tower and took pot shots at the electoral college, and South Africa and Iraq and wherever.  That’s freedom, bitches!”

The Daily Discord staff admits to adding the “bitches” part.

North Korea—Kim Jong-il remains undaunted by his country’s continued sanctions, dwindling resources, and tough economic hardships.   Despite the odds, Jong-il and his ilk have created a completely wooden missile, the Taepowoodendong-2.  This formidable projectile is believed to reach from naughty bits all the way to the liver.

When asked if the missile could reach the U.S., Jong-il stated, “I know this much, it can reach all the way to who’s your daddy now, bitches?!”

When asked how he plans to bring the U.S to its knees solely through the use of a relatively small piece of wood, Jong-il stated he planned to “get America drunk first.” 

When questioned about his tactics, he became defensive, “Look, this is a long, completely unsanded ballistic dildo.  America will fear me now or suffer the dongsequences.”

Jong-il went on to explain how his last statement was a play on words that may or may not translate well into English.

Clear Lake, IA—Newt Gingrich, the out of control right wing mouth piece, is still burning today, but pundits claim the buffoon is nearly 70% contained at this hour.   For many tense weeks, it looked as if Gingrich would incinerate huge swaths of America.  Last month, he completely burned the Ryan Plan forcing Republicans to work around the clock to extinguish sections of the ignited document.  In Dallas, after several aides resigned from his campaign, an attempt was made to drive Gingrich east into Lake Ray Hubbard.  Unfortunately, he was able to jump a firebreak and escape. 

“We now have him surrounded in Iowa,” announced House Speaker John Boehner. “We were concerned he would keep talking, but now his fiery often contradictory rhetoric is finally smoldering.”

When asked if high political winds could rekindle Gingrich’s campaign, Boehner said, “Not likely.  No one is going to fan those flames.”

Just to be on the safe side, Iowa’s Governor, Terry Branstad, is urging residents to keep all accelerants and all microphones away from the former Speaker.

“Gingrich is currently holed up over in Clear Lake,” said Branstad, “where no media is getting in or out.  Unfortunately, he does have access to his social sites, so be the first of your friends to Not Like.”