Phoenix, AZ— Have you or a loved one been injured, scarred, or turned into a zombie after purchasing the Ronco Brain Feeder?  If so, you may be eligible for a large cash settlement.  Waves of complaints are staggering in about the product and Ronco is facing a multitude of grisly lawsuits.   Many argue it’s a bad idea to attract zombies in the first place.  Granted they’re typically sluggish and poorly coordinated, but it only takes one bite to ruin your whole day

Not only is their Zombie Brain Feeder the issue, the Ronco Pinata has also come under fire this week.  “We haven’t had a problem this big since the recall of our Undead Slip and Slaughter,” said CEO of the week, Ben Avery. 

“No matter how you play this game there are no winners,” said Stanley Melman of Scottsdale, AZ. “The instructions make it unclear whether the players are the zombies or the children, or both.  And I can tell you from experience, you don’t want your children waiting in line with a bunch of other zombies to take a swing at a dead person’s head with a severed arm.”

“I don’t know what these Ronco people were thinking,” said Sarah Comparetti.  “I don’t know what my husband was thinking either, but at least he won’t be making that mistake again—seeing as how he’s permanently chained to a tree in the backyard.”

Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Laundromat, fears that the surviving cast of the former hit television series, Taxi, is in grave danger.  He believes someone on the set must have angered a voodoo priestess, a Wiccan warlock, or some other diabolical dabbler in the occult.  Andy Kaufman, who played Latka thank-you-very-much Gravas died of a rare form of lung cancer in 1984.  Back then Dr. Hogbein was only just beginning to contemplate the possibility of a Taxi curse.  He thought about George Orwell’s book 1984 and Van Halen’s album of the same name. Eventually, he shrugged off his suspicions and continued his research on Midget Teeth Whittling.

“Conaway’s recent death made me sit up and take notice,” said Dr. Hogbein.  “That’s not always easy when one considers my age and my blood alcohol content.”

After palling around with the likes of Gary Busy on recent episodes of Celebrity Rehab, Conaway died of complications involving the palling around with the likes of Gary Busy on recent episodes of Celebrity Rehab. 

Dr. Hogbein estimates that, at the current rate of two actors per 26 years, the entire cast of Taxi will be dead within 104 years. 

“This is a conservative estimate,” added Dr. Hogbein.  “Sometimes there are synchronicities and serendipitous occurrences that actually defy mere chance—like that night in Vegas when I both won money and got laid.  The Taxi curse is kind of like that for me…er, minus the money and the sex, of course.”

Oklahoma City, OK—One man is refusing to let fear and paranoia slip out of his life.

When Glenn Beck announced his last show on Fox News, James Stiles said, “I’m going to eat people.”

As a result of his new hobby, Mr. Stiles now spends his days in constant fear of that dreaded “cop” knock at the door.  He spends his evenings madly scribbling his conspiracy theories on an old chalkboard in his basement.   During the interview the board read:  

9/11 = 20 = 20/20 (liberal propaganda)
= ½ of Beck’s 40 Days/40 Nights Challenge
= Obama & Arianna Huffington’s lovechild is the anti-Christ!!

“I’m not just going to let all of that angst slip away,” said Stiles.  “Glenn created an elevated level of adrenaline in the systems of real Americans for some purpose, so maintaining that baseline level of misguided hyper-vigilance is crucial to our cause.” 

When it was pointed out how adrenaline negatively impacts higher functioning in the brain, Stiles randomly recited Drudge headlines, while sharpening a butcher knife.  Mr. Stiles believes cannibalism is keeping him scared shitless, and it also cuts down on his grocery bills.  He reports eating only liberals and progressives and babies, but one day he hopes to devour George Soros’ liver with some farva beans and a dry Chianti.

“I’m doing this for real America and I’m doing this for Glenn.  I know he, of all people, would understand,” said Stiles.