Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord admits to releasing a picture of Texas Governor Rick Perry boiling children and shooting puppies as a cheap ploy to attract negative attention.  The stunt was patterned after a recent Onion feature of a similar vein.  The controversial Onion tweet involved reports of screams and gunfire coming from inside the Capitol Building.  The Onion followed up with a news report on their website, a place four out of five bribed comedians find not nearly as funny as The Daily Discord.

“We saw the attention The Onion got for that tweet,” said CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow.  “Meanwhile, we put Jesus on a wanted poster or we host everybody Photoshop Muhammad day, and we get bupkis.  Yeah, we have no shame.  It’s just high time someone noticed. We’re as despicable as anyone out there.”

Whereas Winslow is carrying on despite the lack of controversy, he isn’t happy about it.

“On a good day we get maybe three people emailing us with shit like, Tell the Ghetto Shaman to suck it! or What are you feeding the Crank, anyway?  Frankly, we deserve a lot more scrutiny than that.”

Point Pleasant, WV—The creature that terrorized a small West Virginia town in the late sixties was pronounced dead this morning by local entomologists.  Apparently, this legendary winged monster finally met its match after flying repeatedly into a porch light in front a residence on Jones Street.  Authorities say Mothman did not die on that porch, but managed to flap over to his west side apartment, where he posted his farewells on Facebook and Twitter.

Mman7 Moth Man I’m like, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH, don’t do that again, OUCH!! BWTF!!! 6 seconds ago

Mothman’s last Facebook session involved ‘unfriending’ Bigfoot and then telling his Facebook fans, “I only regret not being able to scare the shit out of and/or maul the lot of you!”

He also blamed the lack of recent Mothman sightings on misidentifications.

“People always think I’m the Jersey Devil, or Batman, or something.  ‘Hey look, Batman.’  Hell-oo!  This isn’t Jersey and it certainly aint Gotham-friggin’-City, lady!  I’m a moth!  I’ve even tried stalking that Monster Quest team for months, but those morons couldn’t even find a Megaladon if it swam up and bit em’ on the ass.”

Mothra and the surviving members of the band, Iron Butterfly, attended the funeral, but left shortly after the Lochness Monster arrived, quite intoxicated.

“It kept saying the same joke all night,” said Mothra.  “Take my wife, plesiosaur.  What does that even mean?”

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama announced his proposal to essentially freeze-dry the entire continental United States from sunny Miami to rainy Seattle. This harsh, potentially dangerous, process will be undertaken in the hopes future economists will gain the tools and knowledge necessary to once again create American jobs.

“This isn’t about blame anymore,” said Obama. “It’s about fighting the hiring freeze with a bigger freeze.  Farmers will be compensated for any crops destroyed by freezer-burn and my Cash for Carsicles program will offer government aid to any cars irreparably damaged during the process.”

Republican opposition came quickly.

“This is just an attempt to extend his presidency indefinitely,” said radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh. “Look, the day we defrost as a nation, if this president had the courage and wisdom to step aside, he would have Republican support.”

The White House used a power point presentation complete with images of Han Solo being frozen in carbonite, as well as an enthusiastic endorsement from the Snow Miser, of The Year without a Santa Claus fame.

Obama concluded the presentation by adding, “Just think of it; we could choose not to thaw Biden’s mouth, not to mention parts of Newark.”

Winnipeg, MB—The start of training camp for the newly relocated Winnipeg Jets met with tragedy last weekend.  The team had just moved to the great white north from Atlanta, GA for the beginning of the 2011-2012 season. Only minutes after the start of their first formal practice, the entire team froze to death right in the arena. Apparently the players could not adjust to the sudden change from Warm Oceanic (Cfa) to a more Temperate Continental (Dfa) climate.

“We should have known better,” stated Jim Ludlow, CEO of True North Sports and Entertainment, owner of the Winnipeg Jets. “When the last team moved from Winnipeg to Phoenix, the team never made it off the tarmac.  The entire team spontaneously combusted right there at Sky Harbor Airport. The folks down in Phoenix had to have a barbeque fundraiser to put together a new team.  Luckily, they had plenty of cooked meat on-hand.  The Koho Coyote skewer was a real crowd pleaser.”

Prior to the move to Winnipeg there was talk of originally moving the team to Kansas City. In hindsight that would probably have been a more prudent move.

When asked what the path forward was for the Winnipeg Jets, Mr. Ludlow replied, “I guess we’ll have an ice-cream social.”

Berlin, DE—The Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, has decided to pull out her oversized purse one more time to save Europe.  However, she did warn European leaders today there will be stipulations.  First, she is insisting the country of Greece undergo a drug test within 24 hours.  If any illicit substances show up in the country’s system, she will not help until it “seeks professional help.”

Merkel is also insisting Portugal “pull in their nets and open a proper factory already.”

Merkel reminded Portugal that it’s 2011, not 1011.  She then encouraged the country to “Febreze itself immediately and put on a tie.”

Merkel also reports a growing resentment toward the Brits. “Even if they were to join the EU tomorrow, I wouldn’t lift a finger to help them.  Not until England successfully completes an anger management program, facilitated by a licensed professional.”

She then called them schwankers and made an obscene gesture known only to German Chancellors.   

Topeka, KS—Congressman Stanley Farrell (R) was reportedly very angry with allegations that the Tea Party played a key role in the stock market’s recent turbulence.  People who knew him, described him as prone to political fits and tirades.  He often barked about wanting a smaller government and lower taxes.

“He’s been just furious with President Obama’s liberal agenda,” said his wife Megan.  “Last week he got much worse.  He was frothing at the mouth and chasing cars around that have progressive bumper stickers.”

ASPCA workers claim he was angry, and it was hard to make sense of his anger.

“He left us no choice,” said Rin Tim Tim of the ASPCA.  “We did not have any clue he was a Congressman at the time of the lethal injection…or even a human for that matter.” 

The ASPCA President told Discord reporters he has no remorse.

“Look, if another furry politician comes into one of our locations and starts biting people and accusing them of being socialist-illegals, we’re going to do the same damn thing.”