Los Angeles, CA—Warner Music Group has announced its success in gaining the rights to Thomas Edison’s masterpieces and then digitally enhancing them for the world’s enjoyment. The CD two set, due to be released next month, is destined to be a collector’s item, for those who really, really like collecting things.

“We did something very special,” said WMG spokesperson, Guy Wiley. “We wanted to capture all of Edison’s greatest hits without losing the historical significance of his work, and quickly, because I needed to let the dogs out by four.”

The CDs contain Thomas Alva Edison’s monumental reciting of Mary Had a Little Lamb, in all its historic glory. The CDs also contain a remix, rap version of the same nursery rhyme, like you’ve never heard it before! And who could forget Edison’s version of Little Jack Horner? Besides us. We had to Google the shit. The second CD also has a rare, never released version of Edison’s Shock the Monkey. Who knew?

Warner Music Group boasts the music quality reaches “almost 8-track level,” which Mr. Wiley claims is a marked improvement over Edison’s original tin foil-coated cylinder-format.

“Frankly, we blow the Ediphone away,” said Wiley. “It’s exciting to be a part of this, or so I’m told to say.”

Kansas City, KS—The Heartland of America is appalled by the recent recall of French breast implants. An investigation is currently attempting to determine the source of the defective silicone scare currently plaguing our pookas.

“The French are endangering our freedom, our females, and our foreplay! The three Fs.” said Congressman, Steven Farley. “These people obviously hate us for our honkers.”

Farley hopes the French economy will suffer “heaving losses” under the new breast ban.

One breast implant manufacturer is responding with the release of Liberty Melons in B, C, D, and OMFG! sizes. “We’ve been really titty fucked on this one, boys,” said the spokesperson for Tits “R” Bust. “We want to fondle American made tatas only!”

Tits “R” Bust is also toying with the idea of releasing three other lines, Nation Knockers, ConsTITutionals, and Freedom Hooters, in an effort to capture the entire silicone breast implant market.

Opposition is already organizing. An “Occupy Bazzombas” group is now camped out in the valley to protest the company’s rampant nationalism. “Why would the word Bust be in the name of a company that makes breast implants anyway?” said one female protestor. “This is all part of the one pair-cents plot to keep me an A-cup forever.”

Recent violence at the Occupy encampment has spurred a local Sherriff to warn, “Such upheavals could cause dangerous rack ruptures amongst the female protestors. Buy American next time, you damn hippies.”

Tehran, IR—Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced his diabolical actions on the evening of December 25th. Iranian scientists claim to have successfully reverse-engineered Santa’s GPS coordinates and guided the jolly old saint and his sleigh into a field northeast of Tehran.

“We wanted to capture the fat bastard with all the goods, but his flight plan made it easier to nab him during his return to the North Pole,” said Ahmadinejad. “We now plan to harness Santa’s secrets to bring down the great Satan known as America.”

The sleigh is reportedly in mint condition, because of all of Santa’s mints, but the North Pole is denying claims that, during the initial encounter, Santa used some of his Christmas elves as human shields.

“They’re not human,” said Mrs. Claus, “take my word on this one.”

The Obama Administration is considering this an act of war.

“This is an outrage,” said President Obama. “We want Santa back without a hair harmed on his chinny chin chin.”

Obama then made several other cutsie Yule-time-anologies (YTAs), before hurling his teleprompter at the nearest wall.

“Who’s going to bring me a new one next year!” blubbered the President as he stormed off stage.

Sadly, Santa and his reindeer were interrogated by Iranian officials on December 26th and then stoned to death for practicing sorcery. Stocks tumbled today with the news Christmas, as we know it, has ended.

Kidding! Santa kicked their heathen asses all over the desert and made it home for dinner.

New York, NY—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bagel Shop, is not convinced a large, as yet undiscovered species of elephantidae, is living within the urban sprawl in and around Sesame Street.

After perusing the area’s refuse, the prominent crypto-zoologist concluded, “The waste could certainly sustain a small garbage-can-dwelling creature, say 2 to 3 feet tall, but I don’t think anything much larger could survive here on the existing food supply.”

Dr. Hogbein falls shy of completely dismissing the possibility, but he also believes a creature of such girth would have a hard time remaining unnoticed.

“This isn’t about one creature, there would need to be enough to sustain a sizeable population, which, giving the setting, becomes even more implausible. Show me some hair samples, some scat, anything that would help prove the existence of something this large living in, of all places, a city borough,” said Dr. Hogbein.

A large yellow ornithoid, known to the locals, recently passed several lie detector tests and is believed to be the only credible witness.

Upon reviewing this Big Bird’s testimony, Dr. Hogbein stated, “It’s certainly seeing something, but I will give more credence to these eyewitness accounts if this bird underwent a battery of psychological testing.”

Dr. Hogbein later suggested to reporters this bird flew into one too many closed windows.

Heaven—Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, Christopher Hitchens refused to put down his scotch when addressing St. Peter and sized up the holy gatekeeper with an intense glare.  He then announced that he was mortified about the prospect of an afterlife, adding, “Oh, and I should warn you, I only drink Harp, I don’t play them.”

St. Peter then explained to Mr. Hitchens that he did not appear on any of his lists, which is “quite impossible.”

Before wandering off, Mr. Hitchens made a gesture that greatly upset the Saint and called him a glorified toll bridge worker.

God is now completely denying the existence of the short, rude little man, or his unscheduled appearance at the Pearly Gates. “We have no record of him and if the word omnipotent means anything at all to you people, the matter should be considered settled. Besides,” continued God, “…a hawkish foreign policy advocate who can think his way out of a paper bag? Preposterous.” God then named every Republican in the United States to prove his point and called it a night.

Geneva, CH—At the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the largest particle accelerator in the world, scientists have finally discovered the elusive ‘God Particle.’ The particle, known also as the Higgs-Boson, was cornered by the collider’s ATLAS Detector and then relentlessly taunted by scientists for several hours. Finally succumbing to the incessant verbal assault, the particle eventually winked out of existence entirely to the backdrop of cheering physicists.

“We think it’s fitting that a piece of engineering named after a pagan Titan finally nabbed the bastard,” said one scientist, referring to the facility’s ATLAS detector. “God had it coming after setting back this planet countless centuries with his God-awful teachings, pardon the pun.”

“We gave him a Richard Dawkins-style welcome,” said Dr. Adam Smascheer of the cryogenic’s department. “We had thought about dropping Darwin’s Origin of the Species on the damned thing from a ladder, but we don’t want to stoop to his level. There’s also a lot of OSHA paperwork involved in climbing ladders these days.”

God, believed to have winked out existence for good, was unavailable for commandment…er, comment.