Lake County, FL—GOP nomination hopeful, Newt Gingrich “mistakenly” shook 11-month-old Jacob Horowitz’s hand and then proceeded to kiss Rebecca Horowitz, the infant’s mother, on the lips. This occurred on the campaign trail earlier today at a diner described by locals as “an area favorite”. One witness said the kiss was “not nearly as disturbing as what he did with his hands.”

The former Speaker immediately responded by saying his actions were intentional. “Look, the woman was very attractive and the baby had a pungent feces smell to it. What would anyone have done given those circumstances? I am frankly appalled that women everywhere go through such lengths to help Barack Obama by further reporting my unwanted advances to the media.”

Gingrich is also denying slipping the woman the tongue. “It’s preposterous. The destructive, vicious, unaccommodating nature of females is making it increasingly harder to govern this country. Many important legislators remain completely preoccupied by frigid Floridians like Mrs. what’s-her-name. Furthermore, I can assure you I do not smoke cigars that way. I also know the definition of what the word ‘is’ is and I have more lawyers than that ungrateful bitch has diapers.”

When questioned further about the misstep, Gingrich said, “I have no doubt that my esteemed colleague Ron Paul would have liberated the baby from the diaper on the spot. And Romney would have kissed the baby’s ass, regardless, because he panders to any poop anywhere, and with current polling data from Florida no one even cares what Zeppo would have done.”

Rome, IT—Francesco Schettino, the Captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia, is being sought in connection to the fire that consumed his own apartment in Rome Monday. The incident completely torched the 17-unit apartment building in which the Captain was recently confined, pending a full investigation of his recent cruise ship tragedy.

After cooking a Franco American product for dinner, Schettino told the press, “Mistakes were made. I don’t usually cook for myself. I have people for that.”

Local authorities claim, Capt. Schettino immediately called the Judge in the Concordia case and said, “The building, she is ablaze!”

The Judge ordered him back into the flaming structure and questioned why he didn’t call the Italian Fire Service first. Capt. Schettino said he tried to, but had already tripped out of the fire escape and landed in an alley dumpster, where he spent the next 45 minutes trying to find his cell phone.

“So whose cell phone are you using to call me?” asked the Judge. Schettino responded with a crackling noise as if he was losing the signal and then hung up.

Capt. Schettino allegedly tried to follow the judge’s order by reentering the building, but somehow jammed his recently recovered cell phone into the base of the lobby’s revolving door, trapping several dozen egressing tenants inside of the burning structure. Authorities claim Schettino did manage to set off a warning flare that only served to set fire to a nearby building. The Captain later admitted, “Flares seem to work best over water.”

The controversial Captain also denies sailing the apartment building too close to the rocky shoreline on a request from the women in 3B. “That’s just silly,” said Schettino. “And, as for the fire, it could not have been prevented. The fire extinguisher malfunctioned and shot a white powdery substance right into my face.”

Washington, DC —President Barack Obama informed the press today of his intention to raise the debt ceiling in a new, more phonetically friendly fashion (PFF).

“We want folks everywhere to feel less concerned about our nation’s debt,” said Obama. “And what better way than through creative relabeling? My economic team is hard at work, not only printing more funny money from Panama, but renaming key monetary designations for your spendular enjoyment.”

U.S. Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner, told the press, “We have changed the billion dollar mark to the whatmeworry, and a trillion will now be referred to as a Zen-mullet. Also, the Megafonzie, a measure of coolness from Futurama, will now be the equivalent of just under 22-trillion dollars.”

When asked, how much under 22-trillion, Geithner replied, “Just a measly albatross vreeble. Point being, we are currently only a half a Megafonzie in debt, which you have to admit sounds a lot cooler than 11-trillion.”

Each time the U.S. dollar’s bond rating is decreased, Team Obama will simply change those names as well. “I think being downgraded to something like Sparkle Bling status doesn’t sound as bad,” said Geithner.

Even Republicans like the idea, but they will still vote against it on principle.

“…the ‘we just want to get re-elected’ principle,” as clarified by Republican Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell. “If Obama would have just met us halfway, like maybe at that sports bar…”

Radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, added, “We need to change the name of the currency itself not the increments, maybe something from the Hitchhiker’s Guide…like the Flanian Pobble Bead or the Triganic Pu. Changing the increments is just more of Obama’s financial chicanery!”

Modesto,CA—Last night, 27 year old Farcus Laubstein made the fateful decision to watch the Evil Dead trilogy. He did this not long after successfully hacking into a Cyborg software site and acquiring considerable summoning points in the game Runescape. The California man allegedly downed two bottles of Arctic Devil barley wine and started reciting passages from H.P Lovecraft’s fictional grimoire, the Necronomicon, “just for a goof.”

The sinister combination created an inter-dimensional rift and a subsequent chain of diabolical events not seen since the last episode of The Apprentice.  

Laubstein was last heard screaming and gouging out his own eyeballs, which people who knew him claim may have been due to viewing the last episode of The Apprentice. He scratched only one word onto a nearby table, Nucttelmeron, which Hogbein believes is either a demon, or a hazelnut cocoa spread.

Laubstein’s home was burned to the ground along with any and all evidence of the hell spawn he unleashed. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, has tried to duplicate the conditions, but has thus far only managed to summon “a wicked burp.”

His failure has not disheartened the demonologist and cross dresser. “I will repeat the conditions again and again until the desired results are reached, or my VHS tape of the Evil Dead II gives up the ghost, whichever comes first,” said Dr. Hogbein.