Mariana Trench—Film director and explorer, James Cameron, continued his hourly reporting from the deepest ocean depths ever reached until all contact was lost with his vessel, The Viagra Torpedo, yesterday morning.

At a depth of 15,000 feet Cameron discovered Newt Gingrich’s chances of winning the Republican nomination. At a depth nearing 20,000 feet, he managed to snap a couple of pictures of Gary Busey and Lindsay Lohan. At 30,000 feet, he captured remnants of the U.S. Constitution, alongside select economic passages from Obama’s last State of the Union Address. And from the very sea floor, armed with only a robotic arm, Cameron managed to retrieve Dick Cheney’s moral compass This is where his descent turned south…well, south-er. Apparently, several glowing and undulating Abyss creatures “not at all pleased with how Cameron’s film depicted us!” surrounded his craft.

Then the research vessel topside asked, “Ground control to Director John, your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong. Can you hear me Director John?”

Then he shouted, “Get away from her, you bitch! I’ll be back,” and “Live Rose live!” which the director hoped people would find humorous yet poignant.

Moon—GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich, estimates Earth’s future moon base will consist of millions of registered Republicans. The former Speaker has sealed a deal with mogul Richard Branson to start his campaign plans along the lunar surface.

“My journey begins after the last delegates are tallied in Tampa, so I will have the jump on the 2040 nomination,” said Gingrich.

Gingrich has already foreseen many of the problems of this new colony. “As Pink Floyd tells us, there is a dark side to the moon so a wall must be constructed to segregate those seedier space types from the common decent hard working American colonists. This will surely become a key issue to the moon people of the future.”

Gingrich is working closely with NASA engineers on specs for the first interplanetary pipeline. “This ginormous structure will suck and send all of the moon’s resources back to the Koch Brothers…er, I mean Earth.”

Gingrich believes 52 delegates may be at stake in this ever important contest. “The moon will likely become a key battleground satellite and, once we terraform Mars, I will be the first politistronaut to greet these intrepid Americans and address their galactic needs.”

Gingrich is already concerned both the moon and the Martian financial systems will be tied too closely to the government. “We can not allow our solar system to become a Soros system. We must prepare now to win the hearts and minds of these brave new cosmic capitalists.”

Amarillo, TX—Investigators are now repealing previous claims that pink slime, found in school cafeteria lunchmeat, is safe for public consumption. Additional testing revealed pink slime is actually composed of an assortment of animated sea life, high in Omega 3s.

The Pink Slime Meat premise is actually a front for a darker more terrible truth. Research on a sample suggests an assortment of Spongebob Squarepants’ characters, recently dumped by the show’s producers.

Spongebob himself discovered this after the disappearance of his best friend, Patrick Starr, and was later found screaming through Bikini Bottom, “Soylent Pink, it’s Patrick!”

Starr, Spongebob’s starfish sidekick, had a rough time getting gigs after his first round of Celebrity Rehab and disappeared last week after a self induced diabetic coma involving 18-20 Triple Gooberberry Sunrises.

The kiddos were initially saddened but consoled by a generous helping of Gary the Snail trail mix, Plankton Cakes, and Larry the Lobster tots. Although this is not yet officially confirmed, the USDA plans to buy out the remaining pink slime reserves. They plan to treat the product with green dye and market it to patrons for St. Patty’s Day. They outbid Nickelodeon’s show Slime Time Live for the three story tall vat of pinkish goodness.

Phoenix, AZ—On the evening of March 9^th a strange explosion in the Northwest Valley was captured by Fox News 10. The power company immediately denied any transformer blow outs and the large, unexplained flash of light remained a mystery, until now.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio finally made a statement to the press yesterday, explaining the mysterious flash. The Sheriff admitted he and his department used a bazooka to eliminate a flagrant j-walking menace from nearby Mesa. Parts of the j-walker later arrived at Scottsdale Medical Center, while other parts arrived at Arizona Regional in Mesa.

“We only recovered 60% of the ‘alleged’ offender,” said Arpaio, “but I can tell you one thing, that bastard will not be blatantly ignoring crosswalks again in my town.”

Sherriff Arpaio came under considerable scrutiny last year for using a SWAT team and a tank to break up a cock fighting ring that turned out to be a pacifist farmer who just loves his cock.

Rooster spokesperson, Foghorn Leghorn, had this to say, “I say, I say, this man’s a bleeping menace. He’s about as sharp as a sack of wet javelinas.”