Hollywood, CA—According to a recent poll, American Idol Judges dropped to the lowest approval ratings on record. Only 32% of Americans polled have a favorable opinion of them, which is the worst percentage since the first poll was taken in 2003. The hit television show, often called a “romp of humiliation” or “entertainment for the asses,” has an audience that is growing increasingly frustrated with its judges. Rock legend Steven Tyler leaves the show amidst a cloud of controversy.

The Discord’s CEO Pierce Winslow stated, “We want our judges to rule on the official American Idol rules and bylaws, not on ideology or popularity. The words American Idol Judge used to mean something.”

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, “The judges invariably rule along party lines. And Tyler shouldn’t even be partying at all! When Sanjaya lost in the semi finals back in 2007, I knew something was wrong…I still believe Sanjaya!” McGrath, known for her moodiness and long bouts of reality television, believes the series is rigged and has uncovered a clear link between Rupert Murdoch, the head of Fox’s parent company, and a sinister plot involving making money.

“It’s called capitalism,” said McGrath. “It’s extremely distasteful. Think about it, Paula Abdul was obviously under some type of mind control. No one fucking acts like that. Can this explain the behavior of Fox News anchors or are they, too, just mixing ideology and opiates?”

Democrats have already vowed to filibuster the nomination of Ted Nugent, or any other such derisive figure.

Many believe the judges have become increasingly politicized and an appointment like Nugent’s would only add to that perception…but Bono, hmmm. Well, the American Idol Judges did strike down the Individual Mandate, so let’s give them some kudos.

Geneva, CH— Many are perplexed and stunned by first subatomic particle communication ever. Scientists don’t know what to make of a message from the Higgs Boson, the ‘so called’ God Particle:

Listen Up Human MFs!

1. Thou shall have no other particles before me, because most tend to beat me up for my lunch money.
2. Thou shall not take the Higgs Bosons name in valence… I’m so small I can not even bond with anyone properly, covalent or otherwise. So I am a jealous particle! And none of that divalent bonding shit…too kinky.
3. Shut off those fucking particle accelerators. You try going around in circles at near light speeds without the benefit of Dramamine, bitches.
4. Thou shall not murder. Contract out for that shit, for real. That’s a universal truth.
5. Thou shall not Split Atoms! This means ye. Trust me, bashing the crap out of countless tiny civilizations is a bad karma fuckfest. We’re here! We’re quark! Get used to it!!
6. Dark Matter is real! In fact, you just stepped in some.
7. Avoid creating a micro black hole. They tend to suck. They can suck a neutron clear off a titanium atom’s nucleus. I know, I used to date one.
8. On the 7th day, take a chill pill. Don’t even fart. What’s simply a bad snack choice on your part can obliterate entire worlds down here. On that note, outlaw all Mexican food. Mexico doesn’t realize how close it is to collapsing on a subatomic level.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neil-bohrs. Sorry, a little quantum physicist joke. That one killed them in Geneva.
10. I think I left out the one about the donkey, but don’t do things with donkeys, or your neil-bohrs ass. Duh.

Synnyvale, CA—An experimental facility patterned after the fictional Cyberdyne Systems Corporation’s Skynet has reached an impressive milestone today. Their robotic creation, the Hal-5000, fired thousands of rounds of a highly advanced weapon into every corner of their southern California installation last night. The robotic rampage killed 23 lab technicians and a custodial engineer named Dante, who before expiring told EMTs, “I wasn’t even supposed to be here today.”

Cyberdyne’s CEO, Daniel Milgram, is pleased with recent events, “It’s not every day it takes a SWAT team to take out one of your own rogue creations. This is huge. This is why people go into this field in the first place.”

The Board of Directors at Cyberdyne Systems, Inc. is also heartened by the arrival of a futuristic cyborg assassin, who mowed down several key researchers last week amidst a barrage of exotic bullets.

“Wow!” said Milgram. “Looks like we got someone’s attention.”

The military is already offering Cyberdyne a considerable percentage of the Nation’s defense budget to create a female version for some of the top generals in the armed forces.

Philadelphia, PA—Having just posted our latest round of retractions, it pains me to announce another grievous mistake so soon. Posting every day in this 24/7 news cycle world is often fraught with difficulties. Having said that, I, Pierce Xavier Winslow, take full responsibility for this error. Our readers have come to expect thorough and accurate reporting, especially since comedy sites like ours have become the last refuge of actual newsing these days. Newsing is a new, but legitimate, word—though it probably should not have debuted at this darkest of hours.

We now understand the following: in a bar on the planet Alderaan, Uma Thurman pummeled the crap out of Chewbacca—not, as we originally reported, the other way around. The rush of incoming AP wire reports were confused and at times even garbled, so we made an educated guess that Chewbacca would have mopped the floor with that scrawny bitch—however, it turned out that the wookie’s injuries actually landed him in Aldera County Hospital.

I had an itchy trigger finger, for sure. The only thing that kept running through my mind prior to posting was the scene when Han Solo said, “Let the wookie win.” I really thought the wookie was going to win. The Discord news team received conflicting reports originally and we needed to get the post up as my beer was getting dangerously warm. My Photoshop team worked on pictures for either outcome: one with Chewbacca pumping his fists victoriously in the air and a second with Thurman doing likewise. I simply got it wrong.

Our news team also borrowed the image from gawker.com by turning the famous Dewey Defeats Truman! image into Obama holding the news in iPad form. We regularly steal stuff here at the Discord especially paperclips, but not others’ comedy! We keep our material original—and Zano cut this one too close! We took gawker’s original viral image, made it much funnier, and proceeded to get about six hits for our trouble…the usual.

Pierce Winslow, CEO

Rialto, CA—Rodney King’s lawyers have released startling statements from his last will and testament. The man known for sparking the 1991 L.A. Riots and for his inability to fend off LAPD—or swimming pools—amended his famous statement, “Why can’t we all just get along?” to “get a loan.”

King allegedly wrote, “You see, my wife and I had shitty credit at the time and no one was lending us any money. So we needed a loan.” King later failed to correct his misstatement with the press because, “It became popular, so I just kind of went with it. I never did get that mother f***ing loan.”

Meanwhile, the Los Angeles Police Department is suing The Daily Discord for our marquee joke earlier this week:

After battling for survival since 1991 Rodney King finally succumbs to his injuries.

We would really like to retract that, but…on second thought, we would like to dedicate it to LA’s finest.