Parallel, DM—Governor Mitt Romney is claiming victory today despite losing the Electoral College. After the Romney camp failed to concede the election, the scientific community made a stunning announcement. Many scientists think the Grand Old Party is now officially a self-contained separate dimension. A solely Republican universe has been forming since around circa 2002, but today this bubble of non-reality has finally broken off entirely from all we know.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Massage, believes, “The GOP universe is now a separate and distinct reality, coexisting parallel to our more conventional universe. The election results are the single event that finally severed these two distinct realms.”

Scientists are concerned this parallel world is based on non-Euclidian mathematics as well as something Dr. Hogbein calls “quantum idiocy”, which could pose a real threat to our own dimension.

President of the Political Physicists Ass., Dr. Karl Fagan, added, “There’s a real danger here. Fictons are the particles that comprise this Republican dimension, and if these fictons come into contact with atoms from this dimension, it could make the Big Bang look like a librarian’s fart.”

Dr. Hogbein agreed, “And not even a very big fart. Indeed, now if someone reaches across the aisle in either the House or the Senate, it could end the world in a single monstrous flash of energy—regardless of the content of the bill in question!”

The Discord staff feels that would be very sad. We think those Mayans deserve a crack at it. After all, they’ve been waiting around so long for this moment. Damn Republicans.

Parsippany, NJ—New Jersey Governor Chris Christie—or should we call him the Bergermeister Christieburger—cancelled Halloween this year. Many feel it is all part of a systematic effort by the GOP to end the last vestiges of a once proud pagan tradition. Christie is blaming the superstorm Sandy on his decision to call off all trick-or-treating for his state. Critics claim there is no evidence to suggest the majority of the “garden” state couldn’t have easily participated in the festivities.

Caving to the wave of Pagan unrest, Christie immediately tried to console the angry heathen mobs during a press conference. “Don’t worry, pagan peeps. Halloween will simply be rescheduled for Monday November 5^th,” said Christie.

“November?!” questioned one Wiccan woman from Weehawken. “That’s sacrilege! Would Christians postpone Christmas? The dead have one day to rise from their graves and taunt the living, All Hallows Eve. This dates back to the earliest Celtic and Knickerbocker literature. Last time I checked, orchestrating the inter-dimensional transmigration of souls is not part of the Governor’s job description.”

The head of Pagans for Irreligionistic Polytheism (PIP) said, “Cancel it?! WTF? There’s plenty of debris to float over to your neighbor’s place. This could have been the best Halloween ever! Could you imagine the fun our kids could have had climbing over piles of gnarled tree limbs and dodging downed power lines? Not to mention they could still find bodies! This could have been flippin’ epic.”

Palinbate, KS—The small rural community of Palinbate announced their decision today. They unanimously forbid 26-year-old, Mindy Fords, from having an abortion after she was allegedly abducted from her home last week by aliens. Witnesses describe how a bright beam of light carried the young lady out of her bedroom and onto an awaiting disc-shaped saucer. There, she claims to have been repeatedly raped by small grey aliens.

Pastor Paul Samuels minced no words. “It was God’s will you were taken aboard that craft and violated in such a manner. Granted, it’s a little unusual the fetus used cephalopod-type suckers to adhere to your large intestine, but you cannot argue that this too is God’s will, you damn liberal hippy bitch!”

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bistro, said, “Once hatched, the creature will instinctively bore through her chest cavity in a relentless search for food. Luckily, the organs en route will provide some sustenance for the voracious little tyke.”

Pastor Samuels is aware of the risks, but is more than willing to “take that chance.”

“If this was a legitimate abduction rape scenario, like in the X-files or something, the woman’s body has ways of inhibiting and shutting down that whole spawning process,” said Samuels. “Besides, when it’s born we’ll ostracize the shit out of it, unfund it, and probably let it die in an alley somewhere. But until that mass of teeth and tentacles tears its way into this world, I won’t abide by anything that could endanger the welfare of that squid child!”

Boston, MA—The Romney campaign believes its recent senseless, tangential, and often circular arguments have reinvigorated his supporters. Romney had compared Obama’s foreign policy to Jimmy Carter’s, but then endorsed each of the President’s policies during the last debate, with one notable exception.

“If I ever host another Olympics, Russia’s not invited,” said Romney. “And China is going to be charged a higher entry fee than any other country. They’ll have to bow to me before we even let them go hurling!”

His campaign manager later explained that he meant curling.

As for his seeming foreign policy reversals, Romney said, “You remember my work at Bain Capital, right? I simply tailored those tactics to a debate format. I initiated a hostile takeover of Obama’s policies. I purchased them wholesale, loaded them with manure, and then bankrupted his positions in front of millions of independent voters.”

A member of the Obama Administration is flummoxed by Romney’s erratic behavior. “It’s not optimal hearing the word flummoxed used by anyone in my campaign,” said Obama, “especially so close to the election.”

In response, Romney said, “If he doesn’t understand me, then he doesn’t understand America. This is not about obfuscation, because, frankly, most of the people who support me aren’t going to know what that word means. This is about a clear and decisive attempt to muddy the waters before the election.”

Muddy Waters was unavailable for comment.

Washington, DC—Fox News’s Minister of Meme Management, Dr. Frank Luntz, has officially laid the coveted Goebbels’ Egg today. Dr. Luntz, an integral part of the Republican bubble of non-reality, is best known for his ability to harness every American’s inherent stupidity.

“We vote 80% on emotion and 20% on intellect and that last number is just too high,” warned Luntz.

This pollster of pollsters, this inventor of the unfocused group, this “it’s not what you say, but what they hear” steaming pile of propaganda is thrilled with recent developments. “It’s remarkable,” said Luntz, “I have hatched an entire group of Americans who think Romney, despite his poor performances, actually won the last two debates. This is beyond my wildest expectations. Nearly half the country doesn’t even think Romney lost a single exchange…even last night when several times he said the President’s policies haven’t worked and then paraphrased the President’s policies…even the one before that when the moderator corrected Romney in real time and told him to ‘sit the F back down, bitch.’”

For years Karl Rove has used Dr. Luntz and his minions to foment this alternate universe and their hard work has finally paid off.

When asked who he thought actually won the last two debates, Dr. Luntz said, “This is not about opinions. This is not even about the proliferation of bullshit. This IS bullshit! Plato’s bullshit! The archetypal steamy mound of emotional metaphors. Your brains, your thoughts, your views are all mine. Mine! Mwahahaha!”

Karl Rove was unavailable for comment. He was rushed to the hospital earlier today with an erection that has lasted for more than four hours.

St. Louis, MO—The children in Missouri are simply not proficient in math and science. Too often they fail to understand even the basic concepts their teachers are trying to convey. Missouri is not alone as many of our states are literally not making the grade.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “I have spoken to hundreds of teachers across the country and they all say the same thing. Sir, did you sign in at the front desk? Sir, where is your visitor’s badge? Sir, that’s the girl’s locker room.”

Teachers believe many of their students are ADD, ADHD, or display hyperactive traits depending on the time of day and their high-fructose-corn-syrup levels. They are behavioral train wrecks.

The good doctor’s solution? To add significant quantities of Ritalin to the school’s water supply. Dr. Hogbein believes the trick will be to reach a therapeutic dose without adding too much so our water supply becomes sellable on the black market.

“Hey, it worked with fluoride,” said Hogbein.

Whereas Dr. Hogbein’s plan is meeting considerable opposition, his initiative to Add-Xanax-to-Faculty-Water-Coolers has already been implemented.

Washington, DC—First Lady, Michelle Obama, is giving school menus a nutritional makeover. Critics claim this initiative is impacting a recent census on world hunger. Kids all over America are being added, quite unnecessarily, to those starving statistics.

Brussels sprouts were initially a welcome sight on cafeteria trays. “They make wonderful projectiles,” said one young delinquent. The tide, however, is turning as children are becoming hungrier and ornerier.

The new bread is described by one teacher as “stale multi-grain slabs of blandness.” Right before sticking two string beans into his nostrils, one student added, “We want our old bread back!”

In many states, hospitals are reporting a marked increase in tater tot related injuries. Violent food skirmishes, the likes of which have not been seen since the Midwood High Meatball Massacre of 1986, are reaching epidemic proportion, or as one principal put it, “None of our cafeteria workers are safe from pea to flinging pea.”

Michelle Obama responded to critics thusly, “Bread? Let them eat gluten free cake. Oh, and next we’re having unsweetened beets and a wholesome rhubarb concoction is now being stewed into a type of low fat, vitamin rich porridge.”

One 9^th grader told reporters, “They say I have to eat the rhubarb and I say, no, no, no.”

When asked if drone strikes will be considered against districts not in compliance with the First Lady’s standards, President Obama said, “No options are off the table…well, a lot of aerodynamic vegetables may be, but no options.”

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama admitted today he was high on Robitussin during the first presidential debate last week. His campaign is now scrambling to spin this story as best they can.

Obama told the press today, “Now I realize I let a lot of people down last week, but there are several reasons for my transgressions. One, I prepared for the debates while robotripping and it’s been proven through a psychological phenomenon called ‘in-state memory’ that I would remember more of what I learned back on the goods for the debate. Two, I did have a slight cough that day, which might account for the first two bottles. Three, my team is diligently working on a third reason, but I can assure you it will be incredibly convincing and should close the book on this case.”

The Obama campaign maintains drinking several bottles of cough medicine is much safer than the Nixon-Kennedy White Out sniffing debates of 1960—to say nothing of the Bush-Gore bath salts debacle of 2000.

“Not many people realize Gore tried to eat Bush’s face off after their first debate,” said Obama. “Now I’m not trying to make light of my actions, but other presidents ingested some crazy shit back in the day. I, unlike some of my predecessors, am trying to get high safely and responsibly.”

The Obama Administration is also standing by their claim the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858 involved whiskey, mescaline, and inhaling an early form of furniture polish smuggled in on their handkerchiefs.

“Just sayin’,” said Obama, “that was some crazy ass shit.”