Washington, DC—Grover Norquist of the infamous “Norquist Tax Pledge” is threatening to use a diabolical machine of his own creation. Mr. Norquist dropped out of the public eye several months ago after many began viewing his tax ideas as “stupid” and “really stupid.” It is believed the tax-crazed political hack has been building a secret lab under our Capitol for many years. Deep in his subterranean layer, with only reruns of Pinky and the Brain to keep him company, the Conservative spokesman has been busy weaving his next diabolical plot. He now claims to wield the most sinister weapon since North Korea’s latest dildo-like missile fail (DLMF).

Norquist is threatening to use what he is calling his “Government Shrink Ray” on all of our largest government funded agencies and institutions.

The Obama Administrations is refusing any and all of Norquist’s demands, which among other things included Jessica Alba and a French maid’s costume.

“Look,” said President Obama, “if we allow him to shrink government, he already said he would strangle what was left in a bath tub. I would rather give Putin our nuclear codes or give Ahmadinejad my personal cell phone number. Besides, we would have to see some proof of this fantastic weapon.”

Norquist responded, “I have actually had a smaller prototype for several years and I have already tested that once. Do you remember what happened back in April of 2010? Do you remember an agency called ACORN? MwHa ha ha ha ha!”

Washington, DC—President Obama is standing by his decision to nominate Martha Stewart as Secretary of the Interior. Obama feels despite her criminal record, she would be “the perfect person for this sort of thing.”

Republicans wasted no time condemning the choice at the confirmation hearing. “The President is making light of an important cabinet position. He’s flaunting his power again. He always does something totally ludicrous and then somehow we Republicans always end up looking stupid,” said House Speaker John Boehner before falling down a flight of stairs and onto a cocktail sauce-filled waiter’s cart to the backdrop of canned laughter.

Other questions from Republican Senators ranged from, “Could a southwestern theme work in the Lincoln Bedroom?” to “what are you doing later?”

Republicans are also calling Obama’s nomination of the X-Men’s super-villain, Magneto, to head the Department of Energy “reckless” and “other synonyms for the word reckless.”

Senator Lindsey Graham added, “If Obama wants to nominate super evil people for government posts, they had better at least have been Fox News Contributors at one time. For instance I hear Dick “Dick” Morris is free now.”

Dick Morris was unavailable for bullshit.

Tampa Bay, FL—In November of 2012, Ana Gutierrez was arrested for jumping on and riding a sea cow off the western coast of Florida. The sea cow, or manatee as it is known to its fellow sea creatures, is currently protected under Florida law. Today a judge threw the book at Gutierrez and banished her to Atlantis, or Davey Jones’ locker, or Mickey Dolenz’ wet bar (we’re sure it’s one of those). She was also ordered to pay a $500 fine and participate in a 200 hour Manatee Offender Program.

“The Manatee Offender Program (MOP) is designed to rehabilitate those who just can’t seem to stay the F off the manatees,” said Jacqueline Roth, President of the Sea Cow Liberation League. “President Obama is throwing tons of money at frivolous social programs so we thought, why not?”

Even if and when Gutierrez completes the program, she is never permitted in Sea World again without an escort and under no circumstances is she to “tap the glass”. For those of you who thought a warning would have sufficed, Roth had this to say, “We believe strongly that manatee riding is a slippery slope to dolphin humping. Dolphin humping has plagued our oceans since time immemorial and we mean to put an end to all sea mammal molestation (SMM).”

The Daily Discord’s Cokie McGrath added, “Is any of that $500 fine going to that manatee or its family? I don’t think so. Why don’t we just let Manatee Protective Services take care of these situations and stop wasting tax payer dollars?”

The Sea Cow Liberation League responded with perhaps one of the Discord’s worst jokes of the week… “Oh, the hu-manatee!”

Kidding, we’ve had worse.

London, GB—The English Royals are having some considerable monetary issues at this time and believe desperate times call for desperate measures. Buckingham Palace has nearly 800 rooms and many of them remain unoccupied for much of the year. So in an effort to generate some much needed revenue and help parallel some of the rest of the country’s austerity measures, the royal family decided to rent out 450 palace rooms. Nearly 400 of the rooms have been leased to students from the South Kensington Campus of nearby Imperial London College. Thus far the arrangement has not been without its complications.

“We hope the fire extinguisher incident in the Throne Room is an isolated occurrence,” said Her Majesty the Queen. “I can also assure you, any and all underage drinking in the King’s Library will immediately cease or those responsible will be thrown into the dungeon!”

The Queen was later forced to retract her statement as the dungeon is currently being rented out as an S&M club and adult shoppe.

The Queen also warned students today, “The Palace Guards have been given permission to punch the next person who attempts to drape any intimate women’s apparel on them. That shall be quite enough of that.”

Furthermore, the Queen denies any and all rumors involving Windsor Castle being turned into a Bed & Breakfast.

“It’s preposterous,” said the Queen, “at least not until we sell all the historic shit on EBay and totally redecorate, IKEA-style.”