Augusta, ME—Last week, Mrs. Donavan’s 10th grade class made the trip all the way from Gloucester, Massachusetts to Augusta, Maine to see the last moderate Republican in the country, Senator Susan Collins. The class made the 160-mile journey in a bus that runs on switchgrass, recycled cow manure, and love.

“Senator Collins was wonderful,” said Mrs. Donavan. “She spoke in complete, unbroken sentences and almost made sense on several issues. In other words, by this time next year she’s toast. These children will grow up in a world where Republicans are all barely literate, ultra-conservative Christian soldiers. This was perhaps the last chance for them to actually speak to one…um, who can speak.”

The teacher wanted to expose her students to Real America as well, “But that can be dangerous,” warned Donavan. “I’d planned to follow the bus in my Prius, complete with an Obama/Biden bumper sticker. Have you ever seen a Prius without such a sticker? I believe it’s a law. Anyway, last year I was simply driving through Kansas but each time I slowed down below 65 mph I was fired upon.”

Last May Mrs. Donavan considered taking her class all the way to Woodlands, Texas to visit Congressman Rob Eissler, but the Tea Party had already ejected him just prior to their visit.

“He wasn’t particularly moderate,” said Donovan, “but he was about as close as you were going to get in Texas.”

Washington, DC— In the wake of the terrorist bombing in Boston and the ricin-laced letters, President Obama told reporters today he intends to unilaterally invade and occupy the country of Germany. Obama believes he has no choice now but to “bomb the crap out of those krauts.”

The President said, “Bush invaded Iraq for oil and this is a much nobler cause. Germany has a great economy, they are approaching 50% solar, and the beer there rocks. We need those solar panels, so we must usurp that shit!” Obama later explained to Republicans that usurp means, “When you take something wrongfully by force.” He then used the example of the 2004 election.

For many, the second stage of Obama’s plan to invade Turkey seems less linear. “There’s some nebulous connection between Turkey and Boston Chicken,” explained Obama. “At least from a word association angle, so I’m nuking me some bird. Look, it made sense in my dream. Just be thankful I’m keeping Hagel from bombing Israel. Trust me, once Turkey is a budding democracy it will be a domino effect. Soon all the Muslim countries will abandon Allah and start worshipping the Allah mighty dollar. Heh, heh.” Obama then laughed at his own joke for the next several minutes before releasing the hounds and scattering the remaining reporters.

Los Angeles, CA—In a surprise move, the drummer of the rock band the Armpit Salesman decided not to choke on his own vomit, or overdose on drugs, or violently explode on stage as his music genre demands. Mark “Dusty” Deez claims he started smoking by age seven, drinking by age nine, and was hooked on meth and reality television by age eleven, but he told his band members this week he has no intention of dying soon.

Lead guitarist Tim “Time Bomb” Lexner said, “We were all excited when he joined the band four years ago. Our last drummer was a bit of a health nut, so we knew he wouldn’t work out. This guy is an A-grade whack job and we were ready for the tragedy, the tribute album, all the free press. And now this…”

The band’s manager, Biff Larson, said, “Look, it’s in his f@#$ing contract he was supposed to off himself by 27 or 28 the latest. If you’re not prepared to go the Full-Cobain at least pull a Def Leppard and lose an arm or something. This asshole jumps headfirst off the stage every f@#$ing night and, wouldn’t you know it, the fans always seem to catch the bastard.”