Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Fast & Furious Organizers Selected to Arm Syrian Rebels

Fast & Furious Organizers Selected to Arm Syrian Rebels

Dem-mess-cuss, Syria—President Barack Obama is pleased to announce the organizers of his infamous Mexican gun-running program are slated to replace his Syrian Humanitarian Initiative Team. He now plans to directly arm the Syrian rebels and will support them as part of operation: How Assholes Pushed the President to Effin’ Nuke Syria.

Effectively immediately, Operation S.H.I.T. will be replaced by Operation H.A.P.P.E.N.S. The U.S. military will play a more direct military role: “Which has worked out so well in the past,” explained Obama. “When we start arming the Syrian rebels, I am confident these weapons will not fall into the wrong hands….um, or at least our agents on the Mexican border won’t be effected.”

Many on team Obama feel the decision to choose sides in a thousand year old Muslim religious conflict sounds like “great fun” and Vice President Joe Biden added, “What could possibly go wrong?”

Many are concerned this action will tank our still fragile economic recovery. President Obama told critics, “Look, I know this is a dumb idea, but domestic and international pressure demands I do something stupid.  If you want our foreign policy to start making sense, start deporting neocons. Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to put a muzzle on Bill Clinton once in a while.”

Snowden Releases All Personal Emails from X-Girlfriends

Snowden Releases All Personal Emails from X-Girlfriends

Hong Kong—In an unprecedented twist to an already difficult situation, former CIA employee and whistleblower, Edward Snowden, is releasing all of his personal emails to-and-from several former girlfriends.

“I am not a hero,” claimed Snowden. “I just hate some of those skanks. People need to know the shit I had to put up with. I think some of them actually enjoy inflicting emotional pain on others…the bitches.”

John Q. Republican added, “Look, if this was during a republican administration the release of government secrets would be treason, but a man uncovering shit we made possible while a Democrat is in the Oval Office? …hell, that’s heroism. I want to make that clear. We spent a lot of time constructing this double standard, which we hope will one day traverse the entire southern border of our country, you know, to keep out the spics and the wetbacks.”

The Daily Discord supports Snowden’s efforts and bumper stickers are now available on our website, such as Snowden Will ShowDem! and Hong Kong Stoolie! Available for only $19.95 plus shipping. Remember, you’re not a real American if you don’t purchase one today. Void where prohibited, but watch those public indecency laws.

GOP Strains Something Trying to Link Obama to IRS Scandal

GOP Strains Something Trying to Link Obama to IRS Scandal

Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is in a critical political condition today as doctors are concerned the group strained something while linking Obama to the IRS scandal. This, in the wake of their recent Honduran scandal-factory collapse, has all but ended the party’s hopes for an impeachment summer.

Speaker of the House John Boehner said, “The IRS scandal is real, which means if a plausible bridge can be constructed between the IRS and the Obama Administration, we would have enough blood flow to our penises that an ER visit may become necessary for some. Look, we have a lot of pseudo scandals that no one really understands. Getting louder and being repetitive is helpful for our batshit base but, let’s face it, the only other real scandal—that NSA/AP stuff—well, crap, we made that stuff legal long ago. So if we can’t pin the IRS scandal on the donkey, it’s going to be back to the Glenn Beck drawing board for the lot of us. And, frankly, I’m done sniffing the Sharpies for this party. Sure it helps generate a scandal but the associated rebound headaches suck.”

Glenn Beck was unavailable for huffing.

GOP: Debt, Delusion, and Drudge

Mick Zano

Historically liberal presidents have kept social programs afloat while lowering deficits. President Obama had the hardest time, for obvious Reagans, but it’s finally working (sorry, couldn’t work Bush into that one). The GOP, on the other hand, is forever shifting all resources to a handful of people while turning our country into a deficit-ridden slum. The fact none of them have deciphered their own mission statement, not to mention their own historical record, is a testament to the Matt Drudge’s of the world.

The facts are in. We’re all Keynesians now. An austerity-only approach failed over in the UK and everywhere else:

“What is being done here in the UK and also in much of the eurozone is worse than a crime, it is a blunder.”

 – Martin Wolf, Financial Times, lamenting about having not listened to Zano.

And, it was an avoidable blunder, covered on The Discord in 2011 here. Now we also see Japan finally emerging from their fifteen year GOP-style, austerity-only slump. Let’s give Japan some credit; it took a lot of courage to recover from both Fukushima and Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S.

Godzilla

As soon as Japan switched to the Keynesian-stimulus model, Japan’s economy started pulling out of its tailspin. Kamikaze anyone? They are now amidst a rather robust recovery, or, as the GOP calls it liberal propaganda.

“Japan is simply faking a recovery to further embarrass the GOP.”

—John Q Republican

I still support a balanced approach of spending cuts to fake money, but the GOP’s brilliant plan was to create the great recession—through lowering taxes during a couple of unnecessary and poorly managed land wars—and then shut off the Federal Reserve spigot amidst the inevitable collapse. Had we listened to them…well, it’s kind of like reaching the end of those old economic maps where blank areas are simply labeled Here Be Bachmanns.

Here Be Bachmans

Stephen Moore was on Real Time with Bill Maher awhile back, and he started off his rant, “We have the highest corporate tax rates in the world at 35%.”

Then Bernie Sanders said, “We have the highest nominal, not effective, that’s the difference. What people really pay is the lowest. It’s 12%.”

Sanders then goes on to say most large corporation don’t pay anything at all.

So Moore counters by saying, “That’s why we need to overhaul the entire tax code.”

Because corporation don’t pay enough taxes? Huh? When confronted with reality he goes for the total reversal. He’s not this stupid; he’s just a foxeconomist. It’s like when you take the Fibonacci sequence, which occurs everywhere throughout nature, and then stuff it up the ass of Newt Gingrich during the mid-terms.

Remember when the GOP said, “Well, we can’t really explain it, but Paul Ryan is our brain-trust and his budget makes sense”?

Then we look at his proposal and it has nothing to do with western civilization’s understanding of mathematics. They have no real plan, or numbers, or facts…ever. When you peel away layer after layer of this onion, there’s less in the center than a Michael Bloomberg approved jelly donut (MBAJD).

No matter how much evidence surfaces to indicate their economic cluelessness, the GOP will forever cling to their false narrative (guns and Bible joke omitted).

“The world is in deflationary spiral, not an inflationary one. Just as Keynesian economists predicted, and as conservative economists insisted could never happen.”

—Paul Krugman

Meanwhile, here’s what Obama is doing with the deficit. Sorry, the facts are in from govtspending.com:

Deficit under George W. Bush
Bush Deficit Chart

Deficit under Barack Obama
Obama Defitic Chart

The rest of the world isn’t fairing so well. I think I only gave Obama a 15% chance of pulling this shit off. Wow! Kudos. I still say my estimate was accurate, our recovery post-Bush was a long shot, aka, Ask your doctor if Facts are right for you

What’s worse about our disparaging political zeitgeist is the distance between parties is actually growing. This rightward drift is accelerating out of control like a meth-fiend’s Toyota. The GOP’s dysfunction is scary; their inability to identify their own dysfunction is scarier still.

Ezra weighs in on this troubling drift:

“If you imagine a policy spectrum that that goes from 1-10 in which 1 is the most liberal policy, 10 is the most conservative policy, and 5 is that middle zone that used to hold both moderate Democrats and Republicans, the basic shape of American politics today is that the Obama administration can and will get Democrats to agree to anything ranging from 1 to 7.5 and Republicans will reject anything that’s not an 8, 9, or 10. The result, as I’ve written before, is that President Obama’s record makes him look like a moderate Republicans from the late-90s.”

—Ezra Kline

This is why nothing will pass. Today’s GOP will not allow Obama to govern. Our president is doing surprisingly well, considering. There’s a consensus that Reagan wouldn’t make it in today’s GOP. Hell, anyone with a normal EEG isn’t going to make it in today’s GOP, or the Bachmann Effect as it is known to neuropsychologists.  Sorry, I have to get in my last Bachmann jokes (there’s a shelf life).

The GOP always works from the same playbook:

When real evidence emerges = change the subject

This has been their modus Foxerandi, and this stunt continues to work on about 40% of our population. It makes you want to Google Map your nearest clock tower.  Fox of the world, mom!

Could you imagine a McCainian land war in Syria, just as we started implementing the Ryan Plan? Who am I kidding, we would already be at war with Iran, during a depression. I can’t think of a worse scenario for this country…well, aside from Bachmann/Palin 2016.

Any topic the GOP touches turns to shit (the Bias Touch?). If Obama does avoid a double dip, the Republicans are finished as a species and they know it. It’s one of the few things they’ve figured out thus far. Well, they got the NSA thing right…er, after supporting such practices for nearly a decade. 

Yoda

Reform or disband. There is no try.”

—Yoda

Bloomberg Responds to Operation: Glazed Donut Greasewich

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New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg is calling Dunkin’ Donuts’ decision to release their glazed donut egg sandwich as a clear escalation in his War on Sweeteners. Bloomberg is willing to overlook this rogue, doe-fryer’s flagrant misspelling of both Dunking and Doughnuts, but he is drawing the line over their latest cholesterolic folly, the donut sandwich.

“This is an unholy alliance that could bring greasy foods and sugary products together like never before,” said Bloomberg. “They’re even adding bacon to their latest code-blue menu option. Our children are in danger, our families are in danger, and this recklessness even threatens our entire healthcare system as a whole!”

In response to this crisis, Mayor Bloomberg intends to divert a significant amount of NYPD presence to all of the local donut shops, which he feels, “Won’t cost the city too much as they are usually there anyway.”

Anyone believed to be purchasing more than one egg/bacon/donut sandwich thingie (EBDST) with the intent on eating them will be shot dead, which Mayor Bloomberg considers a “mercy killing”.

“Look, they’d die soon anyway,” said Bloomberg, “and this way is much easier on the healthcare costs.”