Washington, DC— Only days after the National Academy of Sciences of Ukraine claimed to have solved the 105 year old mystery of the Tunguska devastation, NASA offered a different solution.

“It was not an icy meteor,” said NASA head, Charles Bolden, “It was a little understood gastral anomaly known as a space fart. Whereas we don’t really understand the mechanisms behind space farts, some theorize they occur when the universe all orders too much Mexican on the same night.”

This theory is also known to astronomers as Smell’s Theorem and is controversial in the scientific community. Other scientists believe these discharges originate from the ass end of a black hole, which scientists refer to as a “singularity but deadly.”

Washington, DC— The cover-up conspiracy continues as the IRS scandal evaporates into thin airtime. Granted, a link has yet to be established between the White House and the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups, but who knew the IRS could be such assholes to people? That’s certainly news, or at least news-ish. A group of people who declare war on taxes remain surprised by the subsequent increase in attention and audits. Shocking!

“And what about Benghazi?” said John Q. Republican. “I haven’t heard it mentioned in weeks, despite the fact the State Department botched the lead up to the event, by ignoring imaginary warnings, then spun the next day message through fancy verbiage, and then lacked the magical hindsight to go back in time and save those people. I never thought I would say this, but Bill Maher is right, why didn’t we deploy Iron Man?“

Conservative groups remain livid that liberals don’t even consider Benghazi a scandal, despite the fact people died, in Libya, which almost never happens…er, except in every corner of the country almost constantly.

President Obama added, “And I want to apologize to the American people. Let me be clear, I had no business using legally legislated tools to combat the War on Terror. It’s inexcusable to spy on Americans after we all approved this shit years ago.  From this point forward, I will continue to read all of your emails but vow that I will no longer comprehend them. Not only is this more constitutional, it should be a nice segue to a Republican president.”

Moscow, RUS—The official story from the White House is that a six inch meteorite broke through the atmosphere and landed on the head of Edward Snowden at an estimated 30,000 mph. The security personnel transporting him were luckily uninjured as shortly before the strike, they all needed to go to the bathroom.

Critics of the administration are crying foul, believing this was a deliberate drone strike ordered by the White House. President Obama told critics, “People are killed by space debris all the time. Why I myself was almost struck by a piece of Skylab while I was growing up in Kenya. The trick is to know when to duck and Mr. Snowden apparently didn’t.”

The White House has warned the general populace that targeted meteor strikes are likely to increase in the future due to the effects of both global warming and Republican obstructionism.

Dover, DE— Delaware was declared a state of emergency today after the FBI had the region dug up and scoured as part of the Feds expanded effort to find Jimmy Hoffa. The decision to evacuate the state came on a tip from a credible homeless person from Baltimore. The FBI claims his cardboard sign read: Hoffa’s in Delaware: Will Help Find Him 4 Food.

FBI head nominee, James Comey, has already assumed command, “I know I haven’t been confirmed yet, but it’s a mere formality. Our inability to find Hoffa has been a black eye for this institution. It’s a disgrace. My first order of business is to find this guy so we can get on to the peoples’ business, like maybe finding Amelia Earhart.”

At this hour thousands of displaced Delawarean refugees are flooding over the borders into Maryland and that other state that borders Delaware. (Sorry, Google Maps is down.)

Barack Obama said, “If this was a bigger state we would never have attempted something so evasive. But there is no way to imagine America without Delaware, and this great city will rise again.”

When reporters pointed out how that was just a recycled Bush speech after Katrina, Obama said, “Yeah, I forgot to change city to state. Crap.”