Washington, DC—Liz Cheney’s exploratory committee is already steeped in controversy. After deciding to run for a senate seat in Wyoming, the former vice president’s daughter allegedly wiretapped a number of politicians and journalists alike in an attempt to gather information she claimed, “Is vital to American security.”

Cheney is standing by her decision to eavesdrop on potential political rivals and told critics today, “My actions are legal under the FISA Amendment of 2008, the Patriot Act of 2003, and the My Daddy Knows Where You Live Accord of 2013.”

Other reports suggest incumbent, Senator Mike Enzi, was waterboarded yesterday by Cheney in his Casper office headquarters.

Cheney told critics, “Such activity is now legal under the Geneva Conventions and international law.” We’re Kidding! She just said, “Our founding father would have wanted it this way,” and then added, “Look, I don’t have a campaign manager yet, so I will need to implement my own enhanced election techniques until these duties can be delegated to either my Secret Political Commandant or my Black Ops Campaign Financial Manager…until then, deal, bitches.”

The Pacific Ocean—A Japanese fishing vessel went missing just after the captain reported a near miss with a giant black iceberg. His last words were, “The iceberg…it saw us!” We all know what that means; Godzilla is back in town, well, not our town. You see, Godzilla is a racist. He only targets the Japanese. Isn’t it time Godzilla stopped supporting a Republican agenda? Grow up Godzilla. Learn to kill indiscriminately, like Obama.

Somewhere— Denied refuge in any country on Earth, whistle-blower Edward Snowden is expanding his search to all planets the Hubble found to be earthlike. When explained how scientists can’t be sure of any planet’s habitability outside of our own solar system, Snowden wept.