Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Obama Ignores Santa’s Plea for Stimulus Funds

Obama Ignores Santa’s Plea for Stimulus Funds

North Pole—As the North Pole turns into a giant frigid pool of water, Santa Claus is furious with the White House for ignoring his ongoing plight. Santa told reporters today, “The Land of Misfit Toys is underwater and it’s high tide over at my main workshop. Obama bails out everybody except the guy who brought him a train set for this 11th birthday. What a douche. F the polar bears, I’ve got elves up to their eyeballs over here…which, granted, doesn’t take much.”

Santa Claus is threatening to suspend all Yule time activities until Obama agrees to unilateral talks with Kringle Inc. The soggy old elf is also threatening to do a spot on Fox News. “This is all part of the liberals’ War on Christmas and, what makes matters worse, my workshop was never insurable in the first place because it was built on an ice floe. I know a bunch of insurance company personnel who are getting coal in their stockings this year. Clean coal, of course, I don’t want to lose more ice.”

Zimmerman Stops Building From Falling on Playground

Zimmerman Stops Building from Falling on Playground

Miami, FL—George, George, George of the asphalt jungle is at it again! Only hours after pulling several people from a burning SUV, the controversial neighborhood watch member turned superhero proved his mettle again; this time by saving countless children from a fiery death.

Eyewitnesses claim he prevented a toppling building from crashing onto a park filled with children. The caped Zimmerman allegedly held the building aloft until the area was cleared by emergency personnel. The mask and his outfit had people wondering if he was fighting crime or this was his alternative to the Acquitted Protection Program.

“I wasn’t sure it was him at first, with that whacky get up,” said Ella Porter of Miami Shores, “but when he started firing random shots at the fleeing black kids, we knew.”

NHL to Skip to Playoffs for 2013-2014 Season

NHL To Skip To Playoffs For 2013-2014 Season

Toronto—The National Hockey League has announced their decision to do away with their standard 82 game regular season in favor of “jumping right to the good part,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

When asked what prompted the NHL’s decision to make such a drastic schedule change, Bettman replied, “The players are still being Crosbys and I’m not dealing with their shit anymore. Besides, this is going to give me nearly a 10-month vacation each year. Wouldn’t you do that if you could? Yeah, you would.”

When questioned how teams will make the playoffs, Bettman said, “The playoff schedule will be determined based on stats from last year during a fantasy-hockey-style selection process run by the league. This has already occurred and we will be releasing the results to the public as early as next week. Hell, we can pass out Lord Stanley by Christmas so I can be back in Barbados by New Year’s.”

Reports suggest the teams who made the playoffs are excited for the October start and those who were eliminated are suing the National Hockey League for lost revenue.

Should We Clone Moderate Republican DNA?

Mick Zano

We know moderate republicans are all but extinct, but are we ethically compelled to use genetic engineering to bring them back from the abyss? I am denying allegations I stole David Frum’s comb for the purpose of creating an army of thinking republicans. That’s ludacris. Oh, and I did steal his comb, but only because I’m a huge fan.

Notice how the GOP—especially the AM radioers, Foxeteers and Drudgers of the world—don’t ever want to talk about what happened six months ago? Generally, this occurs because facts eventually emerge—facts that prove difficult to incorporate into their false narrative. So for them it’s better to MoveOn.org.

As I’ve mentioned, the GOP side of the media seems almost completely devoid of retractions. This affords them an incredible advantage over the rest of us. Without worrying about the past, they can blow new issues out of proportion or misconstrue other important items. I call this being forever misguided in the moment a Zen wrongness. Meanwhile a joke news bloggerist, such as myself, is still compelled to do retractions. Seems fair…well, in their defense, retractions wouldn’t leave them much time for anything else.

Granted some shit doesn’t go away in six months, speaking of which I should I probably hit that walk-in clinic. The IRS “scandal”, for example, will be around until my next audit, despite the fact it’s been debunked. Last week a Fox headline read: “Did Justice Department Ignore IRS abuses?” To the Foxeteers “debunked” is immediately translated through their coveted bullshitatron as “scandal widens”. How about something more accurate like Bullshit Deepens? Or Probe Widens Because We Haven’t Found Anything Yet, or Wait! There’s Still Someone in Cleveland We Haven’t Questioned About This!

I read this recent Fox coverage of the IRS “scandal”, but I’m not linking back to it. Why bother? Here’s what we know: the IRS is always going to target groups claiming to be non-profit. They have operated like assholes since their inception, but in this case they acted within the law. You want proof? Check out their mission statement:

The IRS:
The IRS: Total assholes since 1862
Total assholes since 1862

And they will continue to be assholes until Governor Rick Perry becomes president. Then, in a rare moment of lucidity, I predict he will remember how the IRS was that third government program he wanted to scrap back in the 2011 Primaries.

Look, no matter how many rocks you overturn, there is no direct or indirect connection to the White House. I actually don’t mind investigations. We should hold every administration accountable. That’s not the problem. If you find something worth telling us, by all means, tell us. But I do take exception to the whole, well, we didn’t find anything so instead of a retraction let’s make more shit up approach.

You can always ask one more question, right? Instead of admitting we jumped the shark let’s run: Did Obama Collude with Elvis to Hide Secret IRS Correspondence in Roswell?

Fabrication Station
Fabrication Station, Dysfunction junction, what’s their function?
Dysfunction junction, what’s their function?

This “keeping scandals on life support” approach all hinges on an ability to keep their base away from actual facts. They’re already angry and misinformed, so it’s actually not that hard of a trick. Pieces of the puzzle that don’t fit into their false narrative simply fall away into something I like to call reality. It’s like a political game of hide and don’t seek, or the TwiRight Zone as I call it. Sure reanimating scandals beyond their shelf life is working on the naïve, but let’s face it republicans have already captured the naïve vote.

This is another testament to the GOP’s unwillingness to pull the F-ing plug on something. They know the attention span of America is such that if we keep this going long enough we won’t have to do a retraction, aka, let’s keep this story going until we hatch bullshit scandal X.

The IRS scandal will never come off their scandal list, because they are collecting them. They want a list to match Bush’s and who cares if they don’t make sense. I wince every time the GOP says “this is far from over.” This translates as:

“We haven’t found anything yet, but that’s not going to discourage us.”

—John Q. Republican

I like and respect Josh Greene and he says the IRS scandal is in the rigor Morris stage, here (sorry, Dick). I like and respect Andrew Sullivan over on The Dish and he agrees this scandal is another Rep herring, here. And since Bob Cesca asserts here how the whole scandal has officially “gone down in flames”, why won’t Fox News stop talking about it?

I believe I’ve already explained that. Aren’t you people paying attention? But, hey, if you won’t do any retractions, peeps, I will:

“Sorry we called you a liar Mr. President. We spend way too much time extrapolating to the point of absurdity.”

—Peggy Noonan & Darryl Issa

There are signs of life, however. A recent Quinnipiac poll found (as per Chuck Todd) that:

“49% of Republican respondents say that congressional GOP leaders are doing too little to work with Obama on big issues.”

This is compared to only 22% of Democrats who say the president is doing too little. Who are these sane republicans? Why are they hiding? Of course, a while back Laura Ingraham drew the exact opposite conclusion in her article: Why Moderate Republicans Are Killing The Party. Let’s take a moment to reflect on Ingraham and where she has proven right about something in the past:

Well, there you have it—an impressive list for sure.  Moderate republicans need to emerge if this group has any chance of returning to power. Oh wait, I almost forgot…I don’t care anymore. As long as the GOP remains out of power our country stands a chance.

Here’s a like-minded gent from the New Yorker:

More and more, it’s looking like it will take Hillary Clinton, or another Democrat, succeeding Barack Obama in the White House to bring about real changes in the G.O.P. To put it another way, the great G.O.P. freak show still has a ways to run. From the point of view of the cynical heckler in the cheap seats, that’s just dandy: extremism and nuttiness makes good copy, and it keeps the Republicans out of the White House. The problem is that, diverting as it is, the show is paralyzing the government and doing great damage to the country.

—John Cassidy

Someone recently made the analogy how the GOP always jams a stick in the spokes of our government and then complains the bicycle is broken. That’s exactly what they are doing. I just found this article in the New York Times which, again, echoes many of my themes: Has The GOP Gone Off The Deep End? Wish I had since this before I started this post. My favorite line:

“There is a striking correlation between the rise of conservative talk radio and the difficulties of the Republican Party in presidential elections.”

—Thomas Edsall

This article is a must read…er, even though you already heard that point here first. What’s nice is Edsall’s feature uses primarily republican accounts of their own party’s imminent demise. Meanwhile, Nate Silvers thinks the GOP has a shot at the Senate for the midterms. I’m afraid the guru is wrong on this one. Never underestimate republican incompetence. I think losing the 2016 presidential election is the best case scenario for the GOP. They are likely to stay out of power much longer. They aren’t a group known for their ability to adapt…or to process information…or to understands stuff…or to course correct…or, frankly, to walk and chew gum.

“They’re about sharp as a sack of wet mice.”

—Foghorn Leghorn

Yes, some of this is wishful thinking, because if a moderate version of republicanism were to form in the near future all bets are off. Despite their disgusting display in recent years, the GOP is still hanging around with a fair share of voter support. A tack toward the center could send them sailing and, at this point, this is not a ship I ever want to see christened again—unless, of course, I have a full bladder.