Montauk, NY—The Snell Brother’s Marina extended their deepest sympathies to the Kendrick family after Doug and Melinda Kendrick were devoured by sharks in an area of the Long Island Sound known as Plum Gut. The Coast Guard and local authorities are closing the marina for what they are calling “flagrant violations of their boating and marina manual.” The ill-fated honeymooners marked the 111th and 112th death since the marina opened last month.

The Marina’s manager, Aaron Snell, told the Discord, “We thought if we smeared our customers in snapper heads and entrails, they would get to really appreciate some of the larger, majestic sea life in this region.” Mr. Snell later added, “Incidentally, we weren’t wrong.”

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration is embarrassed over leaked information suggesting the government has tormented the severely mentally ill for many years “just for fun.” The transmission, which started in the sixties from deep within the Pentagon, has encouraged paranoid schizophrenics to try blocking these signals by donning a tinfoil hat.

Whereas President Obama admits the signal is occurring, he is denying any link between it and the makers of Reynolds Wrap.

Obama told reporters, “This was not my idea. Someone back in the day thought this would be funny. I am not condoning the practice but, had I ended this program amidst our fragile recovery, unemployment numbers would have only risen.”

When asked about WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s assertions, which involved the targeting of those suffering from  eating disorders with a “Fat Signal”, Obama got testy, “I personally ended Project Hand Wash for the obsessive compulsive and I completely scrapped Operation: Itsy Bitsy Spider for Arachnophobes. Look, you try spending the entire defense budget on just defense.”

Paris, FR—Yesterday an unexpected oddity appeared amidst the gothic spires of France’s famous Notre-Dame Cathedral.  Night watchmen were stunned to find a seventy-five pound egg resting under the gargoyle that the guards affectionately call Le Pénis.  Notre Dame’s chief of security, Louis Etienne, a man the guards also affectionately called Le Pénis, informed the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, “This is either an elaborate hoax or a not so elaborate hoax.”  Cokie added, “Either way, we’ll know when it hatches.”

Washington, DC—To deal with the ongoing sequester cuts to the Defense Department, Barack Obama suggested they downgrade their main headquarters to a quadrilateral, something in the rhombus family.

President Obama told Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, “It doesn’t have to be a square. Some of the quadrilateral shapes are quite intriguing.  Besides, you would never even notice unless you were flying over the Pentagon and who does that? It’s a permanent no fly zone. And you can keep calling it the Pentagon, who understands geometry anymore?”

Hagel suggested the President stop growing medical marijuana in the Rose Garden and “get real”.

An angered Obama replied, “Name one time when we needed all five walls of the Pentagon, Chuck?! I looked through all the history books and I couldn’t find one time. Hell, we could have done the downgrade right after 9/11 and saved tons on reconstruction costs. Would you rather I say pick a branch of the military to close? In that case, my vote would be the Old Navy. Those commercials, yikes.”