Cheyenne, WY—The nation’s affluent are calling for calm today as elevators whisked the country’s disgustingly rich an estimated twelve kilometers beneath the Earth’s surface. The evacuation, which has taken place over the last 24-hours, has many of those left behind asking the question, “WTF?”

From an obviously green-screened version of the Rose Garden, President Obama assured the American people all is well. “NASA is simply conducting a test, kind of like that of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this were a real emergency, well, maybe you folks should participate too? The solar flare resulting from our sun’s gravitational shift, which scientists estimate will happen sometime tomorrow, poses no threat to life on this planet. Especially if you’re an insect or a strain of bacteria, umm, but you should probably, umm, be in a basement, or deep in a nearby cave—at least duck or something.”

Barraged with questions from reporters, Obama later added, “Look, if there was any real danger do you think I would just leave my Vice President to fry? Uh…how about giving me some more time to think of something more convincing?”

Boston, MA—An ongoing Daily Discord investigation into the origins of some of our more, um, screwy celebrity icons has revealed a number of staggering results, but this discovery is truly shocking. Nicki Minaj, “musician” and American Idol judge, is the result of a bad attempt at reenacting the super model creation scene from the widely popular 1985 movie Weird Science.

Cokie McGrath, Daily Discord field reporter, explained, “In the movie, the lead characters attempt to create the perfect woman using massive computing power and a Barbie doll. The result was a gorgeous model with incredible intelligence and magical powers. This situation, however, was a tragic accident.”

Apparently a group of drunken MIT students, having just watched the movie for the 453rd time, decided to attempt the feat in their Boston dorm room, but they had limited access to dolls other than the blow up variety.

MIT Computer Science major Minimus Fallus added, “It was my little sister’s doll; she hasn’t gotten into Barbies yet. It was the best I could do. Sorry (sob), it’s like when Gary and Wyatt created that almighty missile at the end, a fiasco, and we didn’t have Lisa to clean up the mess.”

Confused and saddened, the students simply cut their creation loose in Compton Court on the MIT campus. “We didn’t know what else to do. She was a freak of science,” said, Fallus. “I can’t apologize enough, especially whenever I hear “Stupid Hoe” on the radio. Jesus, what have we done?!”

Los Angeles, CA—Shortly after getting the word he would not be starring in the upcoming Rambo television series, Sylvester Stallone struck out to make is his own reality television series. Only blocks from Entertainment One Studios, where the fate of the new Rambo series is being decided, Stallone opened fire on passersby. Seventeen people, including two republicans, were killed and five died later of embarrassment.

Amidst the carnage Stallone stumbled over bodies repeatedly calling, “Adrienne, Adrienne!” until he was picked up by LAPD, who later claimed, “You need a permit to shoot that many people dead on the street.”

Stallone is currently residing at the Arkham Psychiatric Hospital and is being treated for Post Theatric Stress Disorder as any explosions tend to send him flashing back to scenes from Rambo, Knighthawks, or Cobra.

“It’s like living a nightmare,” said Stallone. “Some of those movies sucked.”

Stallone’s prognosis is good and he has begun a type of exposure therapy. He is gradually being reintroduced to his movies in a more positive setting, with his therapist by his side as well as some popcorn and soda.

“The good news is he should make a full recovery,” said his therapist. “The bad news is that’s still not very good.”