Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Was Churchill’s Speech Really About Zombies?

Was Churchill’s Speech Really About Zombies?

London—The original recording of Winston Churchill’s 1940 speech is under scrutiny and many believe the Prime Minister was actually concerned about the dead rising from their graves to conquer England. Was Churchill’s original “fight on the beaches” bit about Nazis or zombies? Some even speculate it was about both Nazis and zombies like in Dead Snow (2009) or Shock Waves (1977). Just keep an open mind at this chilling new translation of that most famous of speeches:

We shall go on to the end…like in Omega Man (1971) or the Last Man on Earth (1964).

We shall fight in France…like in They Came Back (2004) and La horde (2009).

We shall fight on the seas and oceans…like in World War-Z (2013) and Zombie (1979).

We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air…like in Flight of the Living Dead (2007) and Quarantine 2 (2011).

We shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be…like in Zombie Island Massacre (1984) and Island of the Living Dead (2006) and Scooby Doo on Zombie Island (1998)…a personal favorite.

We shall fight on the beaches…like in The Horror of Party Beach (1964) and Zombie Beach (2010).

We shall fight on the landing grounds…like in Warm Bodies (2013) and that other one whose name escapes me right now. It’s an Italian film; I can see the movie poster in my head.

We shall fight in the fields and in the streets…like in Dawn of The Dead (1978), the Walking Dead (2012), 28 Days Later (2002) and jinkies a whole shitload of others. Sorry, I just watched the Scooby Doo one. Zoinks! (Churchill really said Zoinks!)

We shall fight in the hills…like in Sugar Hill (1974) and Night of the Living Dead (1968).

But head shots only…we shall never dismember!

Unless it’s a demonic thing like in The Evil Dead (1981) and then by all means hack away.

—Winston Churchill

Obama Makes Impassioned Plea to Bomb Heaven

Obama Makes Impassioned Plea To Bomb Heaven

Washington, DC—President Obama announced his affinity toward atheism today and then denounced God’s record, both Biblical and present, as being “reckless and shortsighted.” Obama told the press, “Let’s face it, our Savior is a douche. The Pope’s recent unwillingness to condemn Syria’s use of chemical weapons and God’s recent watery assault on the Rockies is unacceptable. I would expect this kind of shit from Allah, but not from an American deity.”

Secretary of State, John Kerry, added, “Over the parables God has proven himself to be a ruthless, merciless zealot, who must be stopped! Why wait for this diabolical fiend to arbitrarily smite again?”

Whereas Kerry and Obama both acknowledge the statute of limitation has run out on God’s more Biblical shenanigans, they make a compelling case that God’s lofty lair is clearly a danger to the civilized world.

“God makes Assad look like a boy scout,” said Obama.  “We know God has used rain, plagues, insects, and a form of high-yield brimstone condemned by the Geneva Conventions. We are not going to sit by idly while God uses these weapons of Sunday-mass destruction, penned in his own hand in Revelations, to end countless innocent lives. The international community must act, or the United States will.”

The EU strongly condemns any military action against God, but the Pope hasn’t made up his mind yet.

“I admit it’s a grey area,” said the Pope.

Epic Colorado Flooding Blamed on Dems Attempt at Gun Control

Epic Colorado Flooding Blamed on Dems Attempt at Gun Control

Denver, CO—God and the NRA are of a single voice, attempt gun control measures and face serious consequences. After two Democratic senators attempted such legislation in the Rocky Mountain state, Republicans successfully recalled them as God mustered a taste of his 40 days and 40 nights routine. The NRA rallied Colorado Republicans to recall the two Democratic senators who supported gun control and God sent a message of his own in the form of water, rocks and mud.

“I coordinated with the NRA on this one,” said God. “I thought about smiting shit right away, but LaPierre over at the NRA said ‘hey, let’s wait and do this thing right.’ Not many people realize I almost added the commandment: Thou shalt not impede thy neighbor’s right to shoot shit. But, then I couldn’t think of another word for shit. Remember, I wrote this crap long before the advent of Thesaurus.com.”

When asked if this was a test for an upcoming, more global, deluge God laughed, “No options are off the tablet. Look, I’m torn about ending humanity this time. I hate liberals, but I love reality television and Netflix so it’s a tough call.”