Los Angeles, CA—A popular L.A. restaurant turned into a bloodbath yesterday as the cast of The Walking Dead poured into the entrance of Trader Vic’s en masse. Witnesses describe the utter chaos that ensued as utter chaos. Sorry, Thesaurus.com is down again.

One NRA member said, “When you hear screams and then you see a bunch of zombies all over the place, that’s probable cause. I commend those brave men and women who acted decisively, with head shots, to defend our freedoms from the zombie oppressors.”

One witness, currently charged with two counts of manslaughter, added, “What if this was the initial outbreak and we didn’t do anything? People would have been really pissed.”

Liberal witnesses feel differently, “I don’t know why gun-totting conservative types were there in the first place. This is Los Angeles for God sakes. When are they going to finish that Arizona/California state border wall? It can’t happen soon enough.”

Many in Hollywood are concerned about next week’s Game of Thrones cast party.  Actor Peter Dinklage said, “Sure we’ll tie the dragons up outside, but none of us are leaving our weapons at the door. Not in this town.”

Washington, DC—The White House is back-peddling after news broke that the official Affordable Care Act website does not come with Geek Squad protection. It looks like the taxpayers may now be responsible for the extra tech-support. This latest blow to the ACA’s rollout is already being considered a “major oversight” by Washington insiders.

Speaker John Boehner is furious. “Americans are now being asked to shoulder thousands of extra dollars, per hour, just to keep this job-killing-atrocity limping along.” Boehner wanted desperately to add the associated lousy acronym joke (ALAJ) but could not figure it out.

“We did miss the thirty day window to add tech-support cheaply to the ACA,” admitted Obama, “but the patriotic members of Geek Squad have already agreed to work for the AAA rate, which could save the American taxpayer untold gazillions. Now that we paid more, just think of the extra Reward Zone points each American is eligible for over at Best Buy.”

“It’s untold because Obama won’t tell us!” said Boehner. “God forbid our AAA status gets downgraded to AA, we will have to attend those meetings every night without any guarantee of drinkable coffee.”

AM radio Republicans are calling this the worst thing to happen to America since the day The Pentagon forgot to update its antivirus protection.

Washington, DC—In a quiet backdoor deal, the U.S. Government has sold the Washington Monument to the Chinese for what President Obama is calling “a shitload of loan forgiveness.” It is hoped this move will really help the U.S.’s long term deficits and by that Obama added “not much.”

Republicans are criticizing Obama’s choice to sell off historic landmarks as Speaker John Boehner is calling the move, “Operation Hock and Pawn.”

In related news, our national parks will open soon but they will also be under Chinese control. President Obama is putting as positive of a spin as he can on this event. “The transition should be seamless,” said Obama. “Yearly national park passes are actually expected to drop under China’s management, well…umm, with the mandatory implanting of the required monitoring chip and DNA sample.”

Libertarians are having a field day with this required monitoring chip. No, literally, they are all signing up and then playing field games wherein they can track one another’s whereabouts and progress. Yes, our current libertarians are idiots but our parks are open!

New York, NY—In order to increase the pain on all things nerd, Barack Hussein Obama closed all Comic-Con events until the republicans quote, “bend over and take that shit.”  This news has caused carnage outside of the next hosting facility, the Javits Center, in downtown Manhattan.  An unnamed employee said, “We haven’t seen anything like this since George Takei cancelled an appearance for a Start Trek Convention back in ‘08.”

A nearby Quality Inn was the scene of widespread panic and despair as throngs of superheroes and villains alike wept uncontrollably.  A Tardis was hurled from a third floor balcony in anger, luckily it was only made of cardboard. Later that evening gangs of Siths, X-Men, and several Green Lanterns took to the streets and were later mugged.

One gentleman dressed in a Groo costume said, “They must take me for the fool that I am!” before he was crushed by a second falling Tardis.

New York, NY—Three-year-old Tyler Stanton went missing for over two months. His frantic parents finally watched his show yesterday evening on Fox News. “We were so relieved he was alive,” said his father, Bob Stanton. The Stantons do have mixed feelings about their son’s recent activities. “We’re happy with his ratings,” said his mother, Tia, “but really upset he’s promoting a right wing agenda. We hope it’s just a phase he’s going through.”

“Our ratings didn’t dip at all,” said Fox News’s CEO, Rupert Murdoch. “The little tyke took over the 7PM slot quit seamlessly. He was much lower maintenance than most of my anchors. Look, we’ve already made a substantial donation to the people over at Labor and Industry, so I think this matter should be considered dropped.”

One viewer added, “I loved him. I never saw tantrums like that, even after the election. I figured he really hated Obama like no one’s business. I’m still hoping he’ll show back up on MyCrib, Facebook Jr., or The House of Representatives.”

The Former U.S.A.—Millions of Americans are now jobless, black people are inexplicably more empowered, and those last few gainfully employed real Americans are huddled around their television sets watching Fox News for updates and for strength.

“It’s horrible,” said John Q. Republican. “Hospitals are inundated with paying customers and at night our streets are filled with roving gangs of death panels. As the Affordable Care Act is implemented, doctors are blanketing our neighborhoods, armed to the teeth with endless pages of healthcare policies. Oh, but no dental coverage yet.”

Speaker John Boehner is outraged, “Anyone with a stethoscope can now enter your home without a warrant and decide who lives and who dies.  This not the America. It’s certainly not the America I hoped republicans would someday destroy.”

All medical records will also be sent to the White House for review. “I will have my socialist army march house by house, neighborhood by neighborhood,” warned Obama, “But don’t worry, I will only harass those who I deem to have unhealthy lifestyle habits. We need to weed out the clearly unhealthy, tax them until they die, and then double their death tax.”

The shutdown is costing us our treasure and our credibility, but has done nothing to slowdown Obamacare, um, because of something called it’s already happening.  Meanwhile, the brand new Department of Homeland Fitness is adding millions to their Unhealthy Watch List, which has implications for employment, taxes, and targeted internet spam.