Washington, DC—To the horror of onlookers, President Barack Hussein Obama sent a flare hurdling toward our national Christmas tree at the onset of the tree lighting ceremony. Obama cackled maniacally as the 31-foot-tall Colorado blue spruce burst into flames.

The President later told the press, “I am not running for office again, which allows me to focus more of my energy and attention toward the War on Christmas.”

In related news, heightened security for Santa is believed to have thwarted at least one atheist terrorist cell plot targeting the Macy’s Day Parade. Homeland Security claims the group plotted to both egg and toilet paper the jolly old elf for what they are calling “crimes against secularism.”

As one of his final actions as Mayor, Michael Bloomberg boosted security and ordered NYPD to use lethal means should the President come within two blocks of Rockefeller Center. “Or if he’s carrying a soda product above the 16-oz legal limit,” added Bloomberg.

Bangor, MN—Sardines, a small fish in the herring family, are on the warpath—and by warpath we mean lined up in tightly regimented rows of obstructionism. Many of these scaly dissidents are protesting what they are calling inhumane conditions inside their tins.

One sardine said, “We’re packed in here like, like….um, like…uhhhhhh. I got nothin’.”

“I can’t even move my flippin’ fins,” said a second fish. “And I don’t think the guy next to me was properly eviscerated before he was canned, if you know what I mean.”

Critics are bristling. “This is another example of an entitled society under Democratic leadership,” said AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh. “I’ll bet Obama is going to hand them a pile of food stamps and let them all live in tin cans the size of the International Space Station. I’ll tell you who’s going to take it in the can on this one, the American tax payer, that’s who!”

Los Angeles, CA—Late Saturday night Lindsay Lohan walked away from an accident that left four pedestrians and two mastodons injured. The police believe her jet black Maserati was exceeding 90 MPH through a residential area when her car crashed through a six-foot fence and became mired in the very pit of tar that killed the mammoths.

LAPD chief, Bill Tyson, stated, “This is the second time this week Miss Lohan’s vehicle came to rest in the pit at the corner of La Brea and Wilshire. Well, it’s better than that time she ended up in the Griffith Observatory’s planetarium.”

Live on the scene, Cokie McGrath, agreed, “This is clearly better than the Griffith Observatory incident. Survivors reported thinking her headlights were just a binary star system and part of the show. Today is more like The Fast and the Furious meets the Olyphant’s siege of Gondor. I don’t know if Lohan’s plunge into this pit of tar is a euphemism, or a metaphor, or a pun. I really don’t…I’m a reporter, not a journalist. I leave that kind of shit to Zano.”

The mastodons were unavailable for comment, but Zano is going with pun.

Washington, DC—President Obama is on the defensive as evidence has surfaced suggesting last year’s pardoned turkey, Cobbler, has rejoined a known Thanksgiving Terrorist group. The Federal Bureau of Ornithology believes the turkey is fighting with the same gobbler-cell responsible for the Great Boise Butterball Basting, the St. Cranberry’s Sauce Massacre, and the Turkey Tetrazzini Terror over at Aunt Betty’s house.

Barack Obama minced no garlic, “Pardoning turkeys is a time honored White House tradition and this is the first bird ever suspected of rejoining with fowl militants. Should this rumor prove true, the full power of the White House kitchen staff will be brought to bear.”

Acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Rand Beers, added, “We are winning the War on Thanksgiving! America is safe! Or at least it soon will be…you know, when that little temperature thing pops up on its belly.”

Wasilla, AK—To protest the FDA’s decision to ban trans-fatty acids, Sarah Palin arranged a defiant demonstration. To the horror of onlookers she proceeded to chug a bucket of partially hydrogenated oil. More determined than ever not to be labeled a quitter, the former Governor of Alaska finished the bucket within minutes and then joked about having a second bucket for dessert.

“I admit I didn’t know a lot about this topic until recently,” said Palin, burping. “I always thought Trans Fats were those chubby men who dress like women. But now that I took the time to thoroughly understand this issue, I believe this is another attack on our freedoms. Americans should be able to decide for themselves what they should and should not eat, and if I like to slurp on a nice warm bucket of partially hydroconstipated oil then so be it.”

Palin burped again before projectile vomiting all over those in attendance. “And that’s not just throw-up, folks,” she said, before wiping her chin. “That’s the sweet chunks of artery clogging freedom, you betcha that is!”