Rio de Janeiro, BZ—As Thor raised his giant war hammer, Zeus said, “Hold on, my Norse brother, I have a better idea.” A few seconds later the air over Rio de Janeiro was ionized with dancing streams of electricity. The discharge blew Christ’s fingertips off and reduced them to a spray of soapstone shards that rained down onto the city below like brimstone.

Jesus minced no parables, “I’m shocked. For the first time ever I used my own name in vain. I had lighting rods installed to prevent this sort of thing. And, let me tell you, that procedure made me long for a good crucifixion.”

When asked if Jesus holds any grudges, Jesus said, “Christ the Redeemer or not, Mount Olympus is going down. My father usually works with volcanos or floods, which won’t work on a sky city, but…hey…you know what would be great? I’m just thinking out loud here, have Olympus fall right onto Putin’s Olympics. Kill em’ all and let dad sort em’ out. Let the games begin!”

Wichita, KS—Koch Industries is downplaying the hostile takeovers of two major organizations. The deal to purchase Skynet, known for its ill-fated Terminator program, became a reality last week and the merger with Umbrella Corporation, known for the deadly t-Virus outbreak of 1998 and 2002, was only finalized yesterday.

Spokesperson, Cly “Mitt” Friendly, said, “Koch Industries is eager to take genetic engineering, cyborg technologies, and biological weapons to a whole new level. What could possibly go wrong?” Mr. Friendly told reporters that one of the Koch’s top priorities is to keep Skynet safe from “that meddling Connor family!”

“We plan to resume many of the important projects abandoned by the Umbrella Corporation,” said Mr. Friendly, “…er, after we mop up all the unpleasantness from Resident Evil: Retribution (2012).”

CEO of Koch Industries, Charles Koch, added, “A wise fictional man from those Robocop movies once said, ‘Good business is where you find it.’ And sometime we find business in clandestine laboratories under paramilitary-style security many levels below the Earth. Besides, we already have Fox News explaining how we contained the infection.”

Tehran, IR—Barack Obama may well be playing softball with Iranian nukes, but he minced no words as negotiations came to a close yesterday. Iran must sign up a minimum of two million of their citizens for the Affordable Care Act or face crushing sanctions.

“This is win win,” said Obama. “Iranians can be assured, not only of insurance, but of a minimum standard for healthcare. The ACA-Iran will also bring me much closer to my goal of six million enrollees by March 31st.”

Republicans are enraged. Many on the right feel mandatory signups for foreigners is unconstitutional. “Iran is not America,” said Ted Cruz (R-TX). “I just Google mapped it. Hell, it’s not even part of our constellation.”

Texas Governor Rick Perry also voiced his concerns, “There’s three reasons this is not okay. It’s not, as Mr. Cruz said, even part our constellation. Second, Benghazi and three….”

Mr. Perry is going to get back to us.

Cheyenne, WY—Liz Cheney, daughter of Sith Lord Voldemort, has ended her campaign for a Wyoming senate seat. Upon conceding her senate aspirations, she cackled manically to the press, “If you will not give me political power I will turn this country into a frozen wasteland!”

Immediately following her statements a large swath of the country was plunged into subzero degree temperatures. Cheney admits her father authorized Operation Deep Freeze, but she is currently denying allegations she used her powers to trap those global warming researchers deep in Antarctic ice. “Wish I had thought of that but, sadly, no,” said Cheney.

She went on to explain how “pulling a Palin” would allow her to spend more time enjoying the simple pleasures in life, like tormenting her lesbian sister further on Facebook or waterboarding. “And enhanced interrogation techniques are so much funner with icicles,” said Cheney.

Marion, OH—Joshua Linskey admitted to our own Cokie McGrath that his decision to take down the poster wasn’t an easy one. The Farrah Fawcett poster holds considerable nostalgia for Mr. Linskey, a nostalgia reaching clear back to his first masturbatory experiences.  Despite the impact of the emotionally charged event, the Ohio man tried to maintain his sense of humor.

“I guess sometimes it’s time to say Farah-well.”

Before taking down the poster, he asked to be alone for a moment—a moment that took about ten unsettling minutes.  Then, with great care, he removed the poster in the presence of our own Cokie McGrath, who may opt to sue Mr. Winslow for his insistence she cover this story. Linskey denied allegations the poster, hanging in his room since 1978, had any impact on his inability to date.

“No, it’s probably just my grating personality, or, then again, it could be the Styx poster next to it.” The Styx poster is slated to come down in the spring of 2014.

When asked what he does with the posters once they are down, Linksey replied, “You don’t want to know.”

San Francisco, CA—Chaos erupted Christmas Day amidst a live nativity scene as a number of people and animals alike were arrested by liberal activists. All of the participants in the reenactment of Jesus’s birth in Golden Gate Park were charged and detained for crimes against secularism. One wise man received a black eye during his arrest and a camel later asked The Discord, “Can you post this on Wednesday? I’ll explain later.”

“This isn’t the stone age,” said one eye witness. “The messiah needs to be born in a proper hospital with the mother under general anesthesia. Besides, the whole thing was set up less than a block from a government building, which clearly blurs the line of church state.”

Republican types believe this is more evidence of a War on Christmas. Senator Nancy Pelosi (D) was quick to counter. “Due to sequester cuts the nativity scene was grossly under secured, so don’t go there.”

Barack Obama is denying allegations that the nativity participants were water boarded at Guantanamo Bay. “Nonsense,” said Obama. “We did the deed over at the nearby naval base in Alameda. It is hoped our actions will allow countless atheists to sleep-in this Sunday, and we also knocked some frankincense into that one fella’. Wise man? More like wise ass.”

The Heartland—In those predominately red states, where teachers are now packing heat, schools are finding “significant increases in the handing in of homework assignments.” While bullying and other behavioral issues remain at an all-time low, better grades and participation keep rising.

Mr. Hiatt of Springfield Middle School said, “No one sleeps in my class, ever. It’s awesome. The threat of being shot in the face is really having a positive impact on overall testing performance as well.”

Thirty seven percent more students are needing behavioral health and mental health support, but the NRA is calling this increase “regrettable but acceptable.”

“We want firearms to simply be a deterrent,” said NRA President Wayne LaPierre. “We are not looking to have kids shot by their teachers for not doing their algebra [creepy laughter], especially when nine times out of ten a warning shot will suffice. And nine out of ten is 90%. I know that because my teacher cold cocked my ass when I was learning percentages.”