Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Train Transporting Crude Oil Doesn’t Blow Up

by  • 

Train Transporting Crude Oil Doesn’t Blow Up

Ft. Worth, TX—To the shock of many, a one-mile long train carrying crude oil from Canada to an oil refinery in Texas arrived safely yesterday. The train made the trip from Alberta Canada to Ft. Worth Texas yesterday “without incident”.

The conductor, Jones Casey, said, “I was as surprised as anyone when we pulled into the station. There are several turns that I always just kind of hold my breath. But, wouldn’t you know it, the shit stayed right on the tracks this time, the whole way.”

Head of the Association of American Railroads, Gomez Adams, said, “We are entering a transformative time for the railroad industry. Hell, when I use to crash trains, unless it was over a bridge or something, it was pretty dull but now I can see the resulting fireball plume from my house.”

BNSF…it’s the new BWTF?
Share

Ticket Emerges That Finally Captures the GOP’s Values

by  • 

Ticket Emerges that Finally Captures the GOP’s Values

Washington, DC—Earlier today C. Montgomery Burns announced his intention to buy the republican nomination for president in 2016. Not only is the 4th richest man in the world in, but he has already picked a vice presidential running mate, Ebenezer Scrooge. When asked if he was getting a little ahead of himself, Burns said, “Nonsense, the only head of myself is a Buick-sized 14k gold replica hanging in the foyer.”

Mr. Burns told reporters, “With the passing of Citizens United primaries are a formality. We currently have a Super PAC that could fund the Death Star, with enough left over for a sporty little Death Moon. Write that down, Smithers! Death Moon. Besides, who else do they have? I haven’t seen a field this empty since last week, when I released the hounds.”

If you were to place the skeletons in Mr. Burns’ closet, end to end, some estimate they would encircle the Earth as many as three times, much lower than many of the other republican hopefuls.

Hillary Clinton added, “It’ll be nice to finally run against someone with more baggage than I have.”
Share

A Confused Putin Pardons Justin Bieber

by  • 

A Confused Putin Pardons Justin Bieber

After consuming an extreme amount of vodka, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced his decision today to release Justin Bieber from an unspecified Gulag. Putin admits the young entertainer acted irresponsibly but would rather avoid the wide array of expected protests during his coveted Olympic games.

When asked about his decision to release members of the punk rock band, Pussy Riot, Putin said, “Kittens like them may have nine lives, but I can assure you I have more than nine guns. Besides, this is very different. I have always admired Bieber’s work.”

President Obama has yet to receive any official communication from the Kremlin on this matter so The White House remains perplexed by the Russian President’s proclamation. “Look,” said Obama, “I already did my fair share of pardoning turkeys over the Thanksgiving holiday.”
Share

God Implicated in Climate Change Hoax

by  • 

God Implicated in Climate Change Hoax

Heaven—God is back peddling today as a leaked memo to several archangels and the Pope suggest the Christian deity is “cooking the books” on climate change. The memo suggests God is manipulating data by either heating or cooling NOAA weather buoys depending on “my mood”.

In a rare act of nonpartisanship, republicans and democrats alike condemned the supreme beings actions as “messed up”.

“Thou shalt not accuse me of being an environmentalist!” boomed God during a press conference. “You never heard of an ‘act of God?’ It’s not a hoax if I actually make it happen! You want to see a real hoax, you should see what I have planned for Bigfoot next year. That’s been the best game of hide and seek ever…granted, moving Hoffa’s body around all these years is a close second.”
Share

As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the “Jan-Line”

by  • 

As Arizona’s CPS Closes Brewer Opens the "Jan-Line"

Phoenix, AZ—After gutting Child Protective Services in the state of Arizona, Governor Jan Brewer announced her decision to “do it her (mother blanking) self.” After citing a number of CPS failings, Brewer announced her decision to quarterback the statewide program.

The Governor told reporters, “The Jan-line will be available 24/7, or at least my motivational pre-recorded messages should be. Hey, I have to sleep some time.”

When filing a report, if you do happen to reach Jan live, she will immediately dispatch Sheriff Joe Arpaio to drive a tank through the home of the alleged perpetrator. “As for neglect and abuse,” said Brewer, “tanks have been known to greatly reduce recidivism. Now if you receive my pre-recorded messages you may hear such insightful gems as: Vote republican and end abuse, Think of the money this state is saving, right now! and, my favorite, Why not just call 911, morons?!“

This new system will save the state of Arizona an estimated seventy million dollars next year and Brewer believes it may actually help children learn to be more resourceful, self-sufficient and survival oriented.
Share