Las Vegas, NV—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, believes Ancient Veganitians built the 15-story casino hotel for the sole purpose of human sacrifice.  Using astronomical and archeological techniques, Dr. Hogbein has dated the massive Las Vegas structure to early 1991—more specifically, construction began between Nirvana’s music video Smells Like Teen Spirit and Weird Al Yankovich’s video spoof of Nirvana’s work, Smells Like Nirvana.

With only a ladder to aid him, Dr. Hogbein attempted to decipher the ancient obelisk that stands before the mighty structure.  However, his efforts were soon thwarted by hotel security, who immediately escorted him off the premises. 

Dr. Hogbein claims, “Hundreds of thousands of victims were sacrificed to the ‘Serpent of Chance’ (Gamblycoatl), as well as the ‘One Armed Bandits’ (Slottakayaloot).”

These ancient gamblers were repeatedly beaten with black jacks and spun on diabolical torture devices known as Roulette Wheels.  Hogbein also posits that, despite their name, Veganitians were carnivores.  By combing the entire sewer system under the ancient structure, Hogbein discovered a menu that apparently had meat listed on it.

Lausanna, Switzerland—After the recent actions of Vladimir Putin, The International Olympic Committee is asking everyone to return their medals as they are nullifying the results of the event. The committee hopes to still be able get in the real Olympics before the spring and they are eyeing Mt. Everest and other spots in the Himalayan Mountains as the altitude will “buy us some more time for set up before spring.”

Vladimir Putin has already issued the statement that Russia will not be returning any of its medals and is threatening to shift his country’s military focus to the Russian Switzerland border.

When reminded that there is no Russia Switzerland border, Putin just smiled (an evil sinister-like smile).

Washington—Our 44^th President is missing and presumed sad at this hour after his approval rating slipped below 40%. Mr. Obama encouraged the secret service to “take the night off and go get some hookers” before he slipped off the White House grounds unattended. Many fear an ego the size of Obama’s will not tolerate such a dip in popularity and that he is likely having an approval breakdown.

“I’m glad he took his teleprompter, but it’s not connected to anything,” said Michelle Obama. “Without a stream of words projected in front of his face he sounds a lot like Sarah Palin on cough syrup, underwater. Although, come to think of it, this may actually help his approval ratings among republicans.”

If Mr. Obama is spotted The White House recommends calling 911. Do not approach the president as he is considered to be toxic to many Democrats running in the midterms and under no circumstances say the words Benghazi or healthcare.gov in his presence.

His closest advisors are all hoping he is just blowing off some steam, like last week when he egged the Chic-fil-A over on Michigan Ave.

Secret Liberal Base—Al Gore laughed manically as he opened a giant valve located deep in his subterranean laboratory. Since losing his presidential bid in 2000, Gore has tried feverishly to prove global warming. In 2010 he attempted to cross dress, which he hoped might “heat things up a bit”, full story here.

Then in an effort to increase methane emissions he used his influence to improve the worldwide sale of beans. In 2011, however, Gore felt Operation: More Beans Mr. Tagert “stunk”, so he decided instead to melt all the North Pole’s ice with a giant hair dryer. This act had unintended consequences involving his placement on someone’s “naughty list”.

Now, in a chlorofluorocarbon (CFCs) factory somewhere deep under the Earth, Gore is pumping out endless waves of ozone depleting goodness into the stratosphere.

Researcher Johannes Laube said, “We don’t know where the new gases are emanating from but, if Mr. Gore is responsible, his secret base’s location is of the utmost importance to mankind! Along with my student loan debt, which remains very high.”

Real warming story here.

Vatican City—His holiness The Pope angered most of his followers today after another “drunk tweeting” session that left many questioning their faith. The Tweet, which was immediately deleted by the Vatican, stated, “Why don’t more of you throw beads when I’m on the balcony? Where’s the love?”

The Pope is barely recovering from his controversial decision to unfriend the Dalai Lama last week on Facebook, after posting, “Someone says they’re my friend but they’re really not! You will find out soon what I mean.”

The Pope claims his controversial online behavior is not contradictory at all. “I can’t make heads or tails of The Bible, lots of smiting and killing and genocide. Hell, if I want that shit I’ll read the Koran.”

The Pope is downplaying what is coming to be called his “Blood of Christ” tweeting. “I don’t overindulge when I’m online, I’m more of a weekend crusader.”