Salem, MA—On this day in history in 1692, Elias Issa, the great-great-great-great grandfather of Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), climbed onto a long wagon train heading East. He braved the over 3,000 mile trek from Vista California to Salem, overcoming heat, anti-native American football slogans, and early liberal bias “just to hang some chicks.”

Elias Issa, then the head of the God-I-Still-Miss-the-Inquisition subcommittee, was a Puritan conservative investigator known for his harsh sentencing and B.O. Throughout his tenor Issa remained determined to bring young ladies, who often gave him bad thoughts at night before bedtime, to justice. He also investigated allegations of farmers abusing their sheep, who often gave him bad thoughts at night before bedtime.

Issa is credited with the successful prosecutions in Salem before turning his attention to a long line of heretical astronomers as well as some of those “fucking Quakers.”

Washington—President Obama’s teleprompter has now been fitted with a Breathalyzer to assure each Secret Service agent’s blood alcohol level remains at or below that of Vice President Joe Biden’s. This new policy is the latest attempt by The White House to accomplish something before the midterms.

President Obama told reporters today, “I understand that boozing it up comes with the territory. I understand how, while on surveillance, it’s human nature to periodically vomit from the roof of the White House, and from time to time I myself have had to shake off the urge to urinate on FDR’s piano, but I will not allow this important function, which involves the safety of myself and my family, to devolve into a situation like…what was that name of that embassy in Libya that burned down?”

Republicans are looking to outsource the duty of protecting the president to either paroled white supremacists or known terror suspects, a move the President is calling “reckless and irresponsible.”

Obama later admitted he didn’t really listen to the republican’s proposal. “I just respond with some synonym of thoughtless. It’s worked out well so far.”

Farmington, NM—In the aftermath of the celebrations of 4/20, Colorado fell dangerously low on snack foods. At 3PM the state’s Governor, John Hickenlooper, called a state of emergency by sending a frantic message to Washington, “Hey, like dude, like…heh, heh. FOOD!!”

The shortage became so acute that by early evening waves of Coloradans poured over the borders en masse, overwhelming convenient store snack aisles in adjacent states. By midnight dozens of Circle-Ks were held hostage to the throngs of munch-crazed hooligans.

“It was like a swarm of smelly hipster locust,” said a convenience store owner from nearby Springfield, “I was not initially opposed to this ‘freeing of the seed’ but now I wonder if it is too much of a good thing. I only escaped after turning the slushie machine on high. Those Rocky Mountain Hijackers are still watching the pretty colors spin.”

Next 4/20 many convenient stores surrounding Colorado plan to stock up on extra hemp dogs, roach chips, and ding bongs so this never happens again.

Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Buffalo Wings, has posited an entirely new theory regarding the anatomical structure of the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Dr. Hogbein believes these impressive creatures still roam the Earth, “every time I mix salvia and happy hour well-drinks.”

The image (above) was originally sent to the Paleontological Institute in Ithaca, NY, after being scrawled across a bar coaster from nearby Ithaca Brewing Company. World renowned T-Rexpert, Dr. Robert Bakker, did not return our calls so we contacted the actor who played the paleontologist in those Jurassic Park films. And now we have another restraining order.

Despite a wave of mounting ridicule, Dr. Hogbein is not backing off his theory. “I know what I saw after last call in Ithaca, in that alley, after ingesting massive quantities of illict substances. And if I ever see that grungy shit show of a homeless person, I promise to [CENSORED].”

Discord field reporter, Cokie McGrath, added, “I love Ithaca Brewing Company! I even wore one of their T-shirts during our last news bulletin. What was the question again?”

Narnia—As the bad news for Obamacare lessens the GOP is searching farther from home for controversy. They are now turning their attention to Narnia. Three fauns allegedly spent weeks on the exchanges trying to get healthcare before being devoured by a dragon. In another instance, a centaur could only get the human part of his body covered medically, because the legislation failed to foresee coverage complications for human-animal hybrids (HAH!).

“This is further proof of a failed policy,” said AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh. “Obamacare is not only wrecking our world, but this law is starting to impact the lives of creatures across the multiverse. Something I, and many others in my party, accurately foresaw. Besides, why should my hard earned tax dollar go to the healthcare of some talking badger in the first place?!”

Enrollment data suggests not enough young and healthy mythical creatures are signing up in the exchanges, which could impact premiums in 2015. Also, numerous dwarves, some as old as 150, are being wrongly designated as children so remain covered under their parents.

Mr. Obama responded earlier today by saying, “There were many inherent challenges signing up folks from Narnia. There was no existing infrastructure there so all applications were done by hand, and as a result many of our volunteers were eaten. This will not stop our plans to expand coverage of the Affordable Care Act to Middle-Earth by 2015.”

Newport, KY—The GOP is still reeling from the House Majority leader’s recent condemnation of his party’s own think tanks. Republican frontrunner, Rand Paul, is now in damage control. With The GOP fast becoming the anti-intellectual party, Paul felt the need to round an important metaphorical corner. So his campaign resolved to tour with the chair that appeared next to Clint Eastwood during the 2008 Republican Primaries.

Rand Paul claims the decision to tour with the inanimate object was a “surprisingly easy one”. Paul told reporters today, “What was everyone talking about after those primaries? That chair. More than anything else, folks were talking about that chair. That chair crossed political lines and captured the hearts and minds of America. More than science, more than math, more than data, we need a symbol in this country, and I believe that chair could be our next Liberty Bell, only in chair form.”

U.S./Mexico Border—Under the incompetent leadership of Barack Hussein Obama, rock attacks on our border agents have only increased. Such attacks are endangering our border patrol agents, but new evidence suggests these Weapons of Metamorphic Destruction are American in origin. The tracking of rocks started under President Clinton, but the Obama Administration and Homeland Security expanded this ill-fated program. Now it is believed many of the rocks that injured our border agents were part of a program known as Blast and Igneous designed to track pointy rocks as they travel back to Mexican drug cartels.

Arizona Senator John McCain said, “These rocks were all accounted for under republican leadership, but under Obama they’re now painting crude numbers on the bottom and then hoping for the best. It’s criminal negligence. These rocks are now scattered all over the border region. Does the government know where all these rocks are? Does Obama know where all these rocks are?” McCain is the ranking member of the Senate Subcommittee on Pointy and Potentially Lethal Projectiles (PPLP).

White House spokesman, Jay Carney, told the press, “Obama has not been sedimentary on this issue, so he doesn’t give a schist about more republican mudstone slinging. So start making gneiss. Get it, gneiss?”