Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Obama Condemns Own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum

Obama Condemns own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum

One witness claimed, “We thought it was all part of the show. We were all like, how did they just explode on stage like that?!” Then I remember thinking, “These guys are the next Floyd, but then I was on fire.”

The White House spokesperson Jay short-timer-syndrome Carney said, “It was just a typo. It was an honest mistake by an honest intern, who, honestly, has since been promoted. Normally any drone strikes within U.S. borders requires a second signature from a witness or something. Look, Obama said he’s sorry and he’s asked Chuck Hagel to bring him coffee all week for this incident, because he’s sorry too. They’re all really sorry.”

The only surviving member of the Procol Harum, Robin Trower, said, “First we don’t get into the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame and now this. Well, at least we didn’t have to play Whiter Shade of Pale, I am so sick of that that fucking song.”

The owner of the club is suing the government for damages and insists his establishment “released all of the kidnapped school children weeks ago.”

Loaded Gun Found in Toy Store Deemed Legal in Arizona

Loaded Gun Found in Toy Store Deemed Legal in Arizona

The head of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, said, “The loaded gun, placed in that toy aisle after a pro-gun activist photo shoot, was on the second shelf…fairly high on the 2nd shelf, I might add. The weapon, a beauty by the way, was situated above the Fisher Price toys, precisely the age group we hope to start marketing to…well, once we get a few more like-minded Supreme Court Justices on the bench. Meanwhile, I am grateful Arizona is out in front on this issue. I am happy to say Arizona will continue to arm their 5-8 year olds.”

When asked what he thought about arming children who suffer from conduct, impulse or autistic disorders, LaPierre said, “Excellent point. This is precisely why we need to stay ahead of this problem. We need to keep normal republican children packing some serious heat. If we hadn’t sufficiently armed our children, the FAO Schwarz shootings and the Toys ‘R’ Us rampage would have been much, much worse. In order to save lives we need to gun down those irresponsible toddlers as fast as possible.”

Deceased Mime Appointed White House Press Secretary

Deceased Mime Appointed White House Press Secretary

Critics of the president feel this is yet another barrier and that the decision shows a disturbing lack of seriousness. Senator John McCain (R-AZ) voiced his objections today, “The Obama Administration ran for office on transparency and they are making a game of charades out of this important function.”

Obama responded to the Senator’s allegations with more of his patented-aloof-smugness (PAS). “It’s not going to be anything like charades,” said Obama. “This is going to be more like a professional version of charades. It’s simply part of my evolving position on the role and function of our Press Secretary. In the past, when I’ve tried to explain something honestly it gets misconstrued and spun to the point of absurdity. Thus Carney’s mandate to pretty much shut the fuck up. This is the next logical response to our nonsensical media. Sometimes decipherable syllables would slip out of Jay’s mouth and I won’t have any more of that. The American people deserve better.”

The White House is denying rumors that other candidates for the position ranged from Obama’s dog, Bo, to his teleprompter, Bo Bo, to even a Madame Tussauds’ replica of Helen Keller’s dog.

Ten Children Vanish During Jackson Cirque Du Soleil Performance

Ten Children Vanish During Jackson Cirque du Soleil Performance

Many involved with the show are blaming the spirit of Michael Jackson for the missing children. Jackson, who has yet to pay a single night’s admission, allegedly haunts the production night-after-night like a modern day Phantom of the Oprah. Yes, he’s reportedly bugging her too.

Michael Jackson’s phantasmal presence is only increasing on the set and many performers are blaming him for the disappearances.

One performer told The Discord, “He’s always whispering choreographic suggestions in my ear. It’s like, dude, move on to that big production in the sky already. It’s annoying as shit.”

Another nameless performer begged the question, “Why are children even allowed in Vegas? Shouldn’t there be some kind of an age limit for Sin City admissions? I don’t wear a lot of clothing on those trapeze if you follow. Look, if you bring your children to Mandalay Bay, show them the aquarium and get them the hell out of Dodge by sunset, otherwise please keep in mind their organs go for top dollar on eBay.”

Russian Rocket Falls Back to Earth Onto Putin Rival

Russian Rocket Falls Back to Earth onto Putin Rival

When criticized for the coincidence surrounding where and who the rocket struck, Putin said, “I know nuszink,” and went on to explain how much he loved the show Hogan’s Heroes as a child and how Schultz was always his favorite.

Then Putin told reporters, “This was a tragic setback for Russia and for mankind’s ongoing exploration via a more comfortable and color coordinated space station. Another such tragic event is scheduled to happen again next week in the face of my old friend Uri A. Deadman. You know who you are Uri, or should I say were.”

In an odd coincidence, Yankovich’s dog, Oykbuk may have been stolen moments before the accident by members of Putin’s Federal Security Service: Puppy Division.

“I may be a killer, but I’m not a monster,” said Putin.

Mysterious Crap Circles: Alien Messages or Intestinal Flu?

Mysterious Crap Circles: Alien Messages or Intestinal Flu?

Alliance, NE—An unprecedented and quite artistic wave of fecal designs are now dotting the midwestern landscape.  These titanic turds are part of an unexplained phenomenon known as ‘crap circles.’  Unsure of the precise cause, scientists have not ruled out extra terrestrial fecal matter (ETFM).  Local art communities describe the sacred mounds as Fart-Deco.  Could these be the same shitting stars locals are now spotting across the night sky with increasing irregularity?  A total of seventeen such post-intestinistic displays have thus far been discovered. Most of these circular poo piles (CPPs) are located in the corn fields surrounding Alliance, NE. 

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Lube, is calling these events Close Encounters of the Number 2 kind.  The aged archeologist believes the site’s proximity to Carhenge, a Stonehenge replica created from old cars, is no coincidence.

“Carhenge is an ancient structure that holds unknown energies,” said Hogbein of the 1987 constructed sculpture. “It’s also one of the few Midwestern tourist oddities that can be seen from space—er, well, very low space,” corrected Hogbein.  “This makes it a great intergalactic restroom of sorts.”

Hogbein posits that the deposits originate beyond our solar septic system and, perhaps, some alien race is aiming for Carhenge like a cosmic bull’s-eye.

“Regardless, it lends credence to Hawkins recent statements about avoiding contact with aliens,” said Hogbein.  “He, in particular, would have a hard time getting out of the way of one of these plummeting brown beauties.”