Manhattan, NY—President Perry launched a preemptive strike on the United Nations headquarters earlier today. Perry is calling the collapse of the nearby Queens Midtown Tunnel “unfortunate collateral damage.” President Perry went on to say, “There are three reasons I leveled the United Nations today: 1. it’s becoming increasingly clear the U.N. does not have the sole interests of America in mind. 2. they keep calling the death of every last Gazan “Israeli genocide”—which is simply not the case as several Gazans are still alive in prisons and museums—and number 3…. ah …umm. I think it had to do with midtown parking.”

When further questioned about the QMT collapse, Perry said, “NYPD tapped on the tunnel five minutes before the explosion. They all received the ‘Netanyahu Knock’. Those who chose to remain in the tunnel after that time, during bumper-to-bumper rush hour traffic, were in violation of the law. So the fact they were all crushed and/or drowned is on them.”

In related news, The Perry Administration has dropped all investigations on NSA spying and CIA torture in favor of a 57th special committee on Benghazi.  “57 has always been my lucky number,” chuckled Perry. “There are just too many unanswered questions in 2023, questions I’m sure Vice President Cruz will come up with before the hearings.”

Perry shrugged off criticism that the combined cost of these committees have now topped the combined economies of the poorest 32 nations of the world. “Nonsense,” said Perry. “Poor countries would love to have all these special investigative hearings. They’re just jealous. Four Americans died in Benghazi and we don’t even know if Hillary ordered the attack. I don’t even think we’ve asked that one yet. Someone write that down.”

When a reporter attempted to ask a question about Global Warming, he was shot in the face by Secret Service. “Yes, we are losing coastal areas to what I am calling oceanic aggression. I’m not a scientist, but many on my side of the aisle feel tidal extremism is caused by socialism. We’re losing sand, Bernie Sanders, there’s a connection in there somewhere. We can only win the War on Water via increased fracking and the construction of the Keystone Pipeline VII. We can’t let the oceans dictate our energy choices. That’s not freedom. Besides, coal plants are now doing their part by offering free gas masks for children and our senior citizens.”

When questions turned to our nation’s economic woes, Perry said, “Obama’s global economic collapse of 2008 remains an important lesson, but with a very healthy .2%, and republicans back at the helm, shit should start trickling down any minute now.” The President then gazed toward the sky, held out his hand, and repeated, “…any minute.”

He then touted his signature legislative achievement, Trump-Limbaugh, which helped deport Obama and his family back to Kenya. He then concluded, “I don’t want people to keep complaining that since the closing of the FDA one in ten food products contain either salmonella or botulism. Think about the nine food products that don’t! Nine out of the ten is an A in Texas. And, remember, today is a great day to be an American, but today is also almost over, so please adhere to all curfew restrictions and Cruz Laws. In the name of freedom, go home and stay there. Those homeless among you should report to your nearest Reagan Shelter for processing.”

Kuala Lumpur, MY—After the disappearance of flight MH370 and the shooting down of flight MH17 the Malaysian government has remained under increased pressure to keep their passengers safe. They now believe they can cure their recent air travel woes by building an advanced rail system that will one day span the globe.

This is not the first attempt at a fix, however. The Malaysian government is denying allegations that hundreds of construction workers drowned during their ill-fated “Bus Off the Island” initiative. Malaysia’s Giant Transportation Catapult System (GTCS) was also an abysmal failure that cost the lives of all sixteen of its ‘volunteers’.

The Malaysian government held out the most hope for their first plan, which consisted of a giant pneumatic tube system. When the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Najib Razak, was asked about the lost funding for this particular project, he said, “One large person is still wedged in the prototype. Did you ever see Willy Wonka? Remember that Augustus Gloop scene? Yeah, well this was much worse.”

The ski lift transport system lost funding almost immediately after calculations suggested the first tower would need to be twice the size of the Empire State Building for it to allow passengers to be ‘ski lifted’ safely to the closest point on Asia’s mainland.

The Malaysian government is asking for international help for this new rail system. “We really need some global cooperation on this one,” said Prime Minister Razak. “Otherwise it’s back to the drawing board, which for us means an actual drawing board, bales of pot, and endless Wile E. Coyote/Roadrunner cartoons. Oh, and we should probably change the name of our capital, because it sounds a bit too much like Oompa Loompa, which could trigger too many bad memories. I can’t even watch YouTube anymore without evoking some disturbing imagery.”

For the third and final question the man recounted a tail seldom heard among cryptozoological circles.   After being abducted by alien Bigfoots at Stonehenge, he was taken aboard the Loch Ness monster, which he described as a black and white metallic vehicle with red and blue swirling lights on top. 

He claims to have spent the next night shaking and sweating uncontrollably aboard a spaceship in a small stark, cell-like structure. There, he could hear the alien Bigfoots whispering things about college football and “that fucking Obama.”

Obviously, our president is doing an excellent job thwarting the alien agenda, which, according to Jesus, “Involves something really cool, uh, if I could just bum a smoke.”

At one point during his ordeal, while still aboard this craft, the man detected a noticeable presence in the room. One of the creatures then asked him for his belt and shoes, which might indicate the aliens’ interest in accessorizing. He then talked about being returned to Earth but losing a large block of time—a common phenomenon in UFO abduction scenarios. The man’s fantastic tale ended as abruptly as it began, however, as…er, Cokie really doesn’t have much of a tolerance for malt liquor products.

“Oh, and don’t forget to test drive our new Zippo Surprise series. We filled all of our airbags with butane. Just think of the fun!” continued Barra.

When asked why none of these vehicles are being recalled, she said, “Because we meant to do this. Don’t you get it? We’ve even studied the 1970 Pinto extensively to see how they did it. Lethality is now an important part of the GM experience. It captures the essence of the new Detroit. If you are in a serious car accident, do you really want to gimp around in pain the rest of your life or spend tens of thousands on medical bills? No, you want to burst into flames like that Fast & Furious guy or Richard Pryor. What, too soon? Some afterlife or another, you’ll thank us—except maybe that small percentage of drivers who survive and end up on a burn unit somewhere.”

General Motors believes such innovative features like these are the future… “at least for those people who drive our cars and don’t really have a future,” added Barra.