Fremont, NE—The Campbell camp is on damage control today after congressman Ted Campbell (R) organized a protest outside of Keene Memorial Library.  After watching a Fox News segment, the two term Congressman became convinced that librarians living here in this country illegally were spreading Ebola to good Fox fearing Americans.

Campbell believes Al-Qaeda and ISIS operatives have been training and sending librarian “shusher cells” to decimate the American population. “What do we really know about the Dewey Decimal system?” said Congressman Campbell. “No, really, I never learned that.”

Campbell had a lot to say about the ‘ills of learning stuff’:

“Reading and learning is a slippery slope to understanding,” said Campbell. “What happens to readers? They become liberals, that’s what. So reading is obviously a gateway skill. Now I’m not a mathematician, but the word “liberal” even sounds like librarians and we all know librarians spread Ebola.”

When explained the definition of librarian, Congressman Campbell became agitated. “We know our borders are not secure, because our President hates freedom. Breitbart.com has proof that ISIS is sending Ebola-infected librarians through Mexico. Heck, Nebraska is only a quick 20-hour jaunt up 25, uh, and several hours east over on 76. Look, if we allow one more librarian to infect just one more Texas nurse—except that oriental one, I mean, I’m sure she’s from somewhere else—we will use our God given 2nd Amendment rights to shoot people who disagree with us. Amen. That’s part of the stand your…uh, stand your, well it’s a law somewhere. I, as a Fox fearing American, want to know if these shush happy oppressors have connections to reading extremists. I think that’s a fair question and this may be off topic, but if I want to talk in that ‘quiet section’, isn’t that part of my 1st amendment rights? Shush yourself you NPR-listening Ebola-spreading foreigners!”

Campbell’s rant on this site was not without consequences as he received a ten point bump in the polls and a happy tweet from Sarah Palin.

Montreal, CA—In response to the recent terrorist act, Prime Minister of the Canadian Parliament Stephen Harper, is less than pleased with his Skype session with Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, the head of the Islamic State. Their on-line meeting was plagued with translation difficulties, explosions, and streaming issues that tragically spilled over into the first period of Sunday’s Blackhawk/Senators game. 

Prime Minister Harper suggested the two factions settle their differences by “meeting over a Molson and maybe playing some hockey, eh?” To the dismay of the Canadian Parliament this request was met by calls to “behead the Canadian infidels!”

Harper told The Discord today, “I know we already called this recent veteran car attack an ‘act of terror’, but this is Canada. Before we make our ultimate decision we must defer any final judgment to our goal judges in Toronto, eh? You know, after we review the instant replay.”

Harper continued, “The great Canadian Empire has a strong history of conquering all those who stand in our way, although we admit we’ve had some trouble with parts of the Chicago, Boston and Los Angeles lately. Whereas we stand by our allies in this fight, we are getting a late start to this whole Islamofascism-thing but remember, we have mounted police. That doesn’t mean their shagging anything. Au contraire, it means they’re on horses. I know what you’re thinking, and NO. They don’t do that either. That’s just sick.”

When asked what Harper plans to do about ISIS, should the hockey pickup game plan not occur, the Prime Minister responded, “Make no mistake, we are not afraid to deploy our Mounties into the more heavily-wooded areas of the Middle East for the purpose of keeping the peace.”

He later emailed the Discord requesting all the ‘ehs’ from his previous statements be removed and, “If I happened to say back bacon, ditto.” To which the CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, responded, “No problem, eh.”

Hyderbad, India—Thousands came out to the eastern coast of India yesterday to protest a coming cyclone that would later claim the lives of many of those same protestors.  The powerful storm, Hudhud, plowed across India seemingly oblivious to the negative press and its sinking public opinion polls.

Many are calling this abusive relationship with the weather “a cycle of violence”, or in this case a cyclone of violence. “We lost electricity in my town,” said a local fisherman Richa Gavde.  “That would be fine except we only just flippin’ got electricity in my town! What is the weather thinking? We live in mud huts for fuck sake. Oh, brave deity blowing over thousands of thatched roofed huts. Big man on campus. We don’t even have a campus yet, jerk!”

The protestors who gathered on the beach shortly prior to the storm’s arrival all shared the same contempt for meteorological patterns. It is believed they maintained this same contempt as they were swept out to sea by a raging storm surge.

“The weather is always fucking with us,” said Jatin Gupta. “Do you know how many times I have rebuilt my home in the Bangladeshian lowlands? This time I’m holding my ground. Fuck the ocean.”

One holdout from the British Empire, Nigel Chapman, held a sign that read: down with this sort of thing, “I think the ocean needs to stop this senseless aggression against land masses. We did away with this sort of thing in England ages ago. I would go back to mother England but I just added a deck and a sun roof to my mud hut. So I’ll be damned if some weather system is going to march in here and tell me what’s what.”

One of the organizers of the protest, Nitin I’m-fresh-out-of-Indian-surnames Gupta, regrets nothing, “This is only the beginning of our fight against oceanic aggression and the like. I believe the God Head is purposely stirring up powerful storms as part of the politicization of global warming. These sociopathic storms kill indiscriminately and they must be stopped. China is seeding clouds and changing their weather patterns, so I think it’s our turn. And I’m not just talking about ending the reign of cyclones, I want to see an end to their cousin, the monsoon, and their little sister the tropical depression. This is 2014 not the superheated Archaeozoic Epoch is my point.”

Nitin I’m-out-of-Indian-surnames Gupta later told the Discord he would like to add the phrase “for fuck sake” to his early statement. After careful consideration, CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow has since declined this request.

Washington, DC—The Secret Service is in hot water today as even more allegations have surfaced of a massive security breakdown. First, the public was led to believe the recent White House intruder only jumped the fence and made it to the front door. The story changed on September 29^th when the Secret Service admitted the intruder made it all the way to the East Room. Now they are admitting the man, Omar J. Gonzalez, not only reached the East Room, but has been living there comfortably for several weeks.

Gonzales actually first scaled the fence on August 12^th and has now claimed squatter’s rights and is refusing to leave. White House lawyers admit the situation is complicated. Since the Secret Service took so long to notice Mr. Gonzales, he does have some rights to stay. Under District of Columbia Law he can remain at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for an additional 30 days at which time he can replace Vice President Joe Biden.

Republicans were quick to criticize the President. AM radio host, Rush Limbaugh, said, “I would have already used the Stand Your Ground Laws in conjunction with a bazooka on this hippie deadbeat.”

Ann Coulter was also quick to add, “I’m sure Mr. Obama has already offered his new roommate food stamps, medical care, and a voter ID card.”

Obama is considering using an executive order to have the man “clean the bathroom and then vacate the premises” but many in his cabinet feel this constitutes two executive orders, not one.

“I don’t care what the dude in the cabinet thinks,” countered Obama. “He should get the hell out too! What the hell am I running here, a Bed & Breakfast?”

Mr. Obama later admitted he is soft on trespassers and ended up taking Mr. Gonzales golfing. The President would also like to remind republicans that the outing was totally on the tax payer’s dime.

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is expounding his plans today, in hemorrhage and diarrhea filled detail, to “wipe out” ISIL. The U.S. military will begin to transport final-stage Ebola victims from Africa to the Middle East, en masse. These “volunteers” will then help the forces of good by plummeting thousands of feet before exploding and hopefully infecting the forces of evil.

President Obama told reporters today, “I am calling these brave warriors my Coalition of the Falling. You can’t destroy ISIL through any conventional military strategy. Certainly my shit-show of a predecessor taught us that much, but I have some pretty cool tricks up my sleeve. And sometimes these tricks involve dropping a steady stream of Ebola Infected Nigerians from planes like rocks, or E.I.N. Steins as I call them. Hah, hah. Sorry, it’s a German joke.”

U.S. Generals are supporting the idea of relocating those suffering from the final stages of the Ebola virus onto ISIS-controlled bases and towns. “It’s just crazy enough to work,” said General McInerney. “Many are calling this innovative form of disease transmission, Smashogens, but I call them Splatriots. I have to admit I never liked this president, until now.” The General may have added the words, “You go, girl!” but that part of the audio was muffled.

Critics claim this may well increase the spread of Ebola to innocent victims, but Obama said, “F ‘em. Sure it could spread to the wider Middle East and the five rational beings who live there, but who cares? Yeah, I’m sure life under ISIS without a head would have been truly wonderful for that sane handful of people. Besides, we passed out leaflets that clearly stated, if you’re standing next to an ISIS member, please don’t. They had their warning.”

When asked about the inhumanity of pushing people from planes to their death, Obama said, “The hospitals across Africa are really grateful we took these folks off their hands, you know, so they can concentrate on not saving the next group. Thanks to the magic of Obamacare and big Pharma, we are giving these folks enough opiates to pickle a moose. This will be the last ride of their lives so it’s win win!”

Republicans are calling for Obama’s impeachment, but only because that’s really all they do. This tactic is actually impressing the McCains and the Grahams of the world, who may have actually said to the President, “You go, girl!” but that part of the audio is muffled.

“This is more evidence of the War on Easter,” said Obama.  “We should not be limited to worshipping anthropomorphic egg-bearing rabbits on only one day each year. Let’s not forget the true meaning of Easter, which, again, involves this rabbitoid thing and the distribution of decorated hardboiled chicken eggs.”

The First Lady added, “What Barack is trying to say is, it doesn’t in any way have to do with amnesty for all illegals and then lowering the voting age so Democrats can win more elections.”

The President made a dismissive gesture toward his wife, before saying, “Now, if you will excuse us, we need to make sure the kids aren’t trying to release the flying monkeys again.”

On their way inside, the same reporter asked why all the children appeared to be totting milk shakes and large sacks of candy, Michelle said, “Uh, yeah, there’s a War on Halloween too. Besides, we had to do something with all the booty in those school candy machines that I confiscated.”

We are being told it’s actually Gazoo from The Flintstones.

I didn’t really write this part. Don’t turn me in. This can be our little secret. Okay, you shouldn’t keep secrets. It’s like that good post, bad post thing. But our CEO is paying me by the word these days and I really need some extra beer money this week.  You would need a beer too if you had to work day in and day out for our CE0 and resident one percenter, Pierce X. Winslow. He’s always acting like Lou Grant on ‘roid rage…well, on a good day.  Oh, and I got this bad histamine like reaction after taking Niacin, is that normal? Am I allergic?

Blah, blah blah. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy. All work and no play makes Zano a dull boy.

Really, I think it’s starting to form a rash.