The Frozen North—Al Gore is at it again. Our favorite former Vice President is back in the news today after taking on the Heat Miser head on. Gore claims the Heat Miser’s little heat demons are working overtime to warm parts of the Arctic and Antarctic. “The Miser’s in clear violation of basic Labor & Industry Standards and his actions are undeniably contributing to global warming,” said Gore.

The Heat Miser is refusing to release important HR files and replied to the request by sending a series of fire balls hurling toward Al Gore’s mansion.  “Nice try,” said Gore, “but most of your energy was captured by my impressive array of solar panels. It will keep me in cognac hot totties for months!”

Republicans, meanwhile, are accusing the Snow Miser of employing undocumented marionettes, some originally from Canada. John Q. Republican told the press today, “Gore attacked the Heat Miser, an act of war, without Congressional approval. He’s the hothead, the Miser is just doing his job. If Al Gore is going to start an unprovoked war, maybe he should turn over that Nobel Pizza thingie. Besides, ‘warming’ is a hoax. There’s still ice in my freezer, in fact, I have been forced to defrost it at periodical intervals. I think the Earth is a lot like my freezer, sometimes shit just needs to thaw so we can find cool glacier stuff floating around, or in the case of my freezer, fish sticks.”

Al Gore plans to respond to the barrage of fireballs that rained down on him with a scathing documentary of the Heat Miser’s questionable business practices.  “I understand the Heat Miser’s plight,” said Gore, “Sometimes I still want to see Florida underwater too, but not this way…not this way.”

Ryongsong, KP—The Sony debacle involving the latest Rogen production and North Korea, The Interview, has left many scratching their heads. Upon further consideration, Sony is now deciding to play the film as not to cave to terroristic threats. In light of the news, President Obama has resolved to send Seth Rogen and James Franco to North Korea to apologize and to explain the situation to Kim Jong Un, personally.

When it was pointed out how sending the two comedians parallels the plot line of the actual movie, President Obama said, “I never noticed that. But, no, this is a friendly trip. These are comedians, not assassins. We want to start talks with North Korea and, remember, the word “ass” is in “ambassador” and the word “dip” is in “diplomacy”. So we’re just sending a couple of ass dips on a diplomatic mission. Hey, it’s no worse than my latest pick for Ambassador to Hungary.”

Obama continued, “The leader of North Korea needs to know this is a just low-brow comedy. The Un-ster needs to Un-sterstand—God I’m going to kill my teleprompter again—anyway, Kim Jong Un needs to realize that parody is the greatest form of flattery and who better to explain this to the Supreme Leader than Seth and James themselves?”

When the President was asked about his recent statement, “We will respond proportionally in the time and place of our choosing,” Obama said, “Yeah, responding in a good way, like sending a Christmas card or something.”

Rogen and Franco are downplaying their series of meetings with CIA operatives as well as former Vice President Dick Cheney himself. Rogen explained, “The CIA was just telling us the dos and don’ts while visiting with his supremeness, like I shouldn’t smoke pot in his presence. But if I do, I definitely shouldn’t blow the smoke in his face. Stuff like that.”

When asked about their meeting with Dick Cheney, James Franco said, “That was just to get us used to visiting with a truly evil person. He didn’t give us any advice about how to shake the hand of the Kim Jong Un. The CIA explained that…no, wait, they didn’t! Mulligan!”

The Heartland—According to a recent poll, Dick Cheney and the rest of our not-ready-for-prime-time citizens now condone torture. Cheney defended his use of enhanced interrogation techniques by saying he would “do it again in a minute.” This turned out to be another lie as new allegations suggest he has never actually stopped. “As it turns out, they never did revoke my retinal scan access over on Black Pod 3,” explained Cheney.

Senator John Q. Republican told the press today, “As my record will attest, I do not trust the government, but I would allow them the discretion to pick me or anyone else up off the street, without due process, and send me to a secret prison indefinitely, with no trial, to be subjected to walling, sleep deprivation, waterboarding and rectal feeding, because I’m an American, damn it…but affordable health care for all? Are you kidding me? Those are death panels.”

When confronted with the fact that 25% of those incarcerated during the War on Terror were detained wrongly, Cheney said, “If there was even a one percent chance we could stop a terrorist attack I would stick a rectal feeding tube in the ass of every American. It never gets old, really. Besides, don’t you read polls, son? The majority of those polled are okay with me sticking them the pole. Get it? It’s a play on words, son. Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

The rest of the interview was later pulled and Warner Brothers is now suing the former Vice President for what they are calling, “The raunchiest and most perverse Foghorn Leghorn impersonation ever.”

Jesus of Nazareth told reporters today, “Blessed are the torturers. I’m glad Americans are finally taking a stand and doing the whole eye-for-an-eye thing, which is such a key lesson from the New Testa…shit.”

Jesus later recanted his statement claiming, “Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s from the Old Testashit.”

Rome, IT—Earlier today, his Holiness the Pope called for all Muslim spiritual leaders to condemn terrorism. Republican leaders from all over the heartland voiced their extreme displeasure with the Pope’s radical approach to extremism. They are calling it “un-American” and “ungodlike” and “unnatural.” Many in the GOP feel the Pope is acting a lot more like Barack Obama lately and a lot less like he should be, aka uneducated.

John Q. Republican said, “How do you account for these Biblical discrepancies? I mean these, not the ones in the actual Bible. Is the Pope mixing up his political messages with God or is God weak on terror? There has always been a close link between conservative thought and the smiting-shit parts of The Bible. Was it not Jesus who turned the tables on the money changers? He was the first Galilee Partier. Heh, heh, get it?”

The Pope responded to allegations by pointing out several quotes from the New Testament and several quotes from President Obama’s similar attempts to reach out to the moderate Muslim community leaders.

John Q. Republican was outraged, “I never made it passed the Old Testament, so I’m lost on this hippy juice shit. Honestly, I never even made it through the first part, you know when God said ‘let there be whites’…or something.”

AM radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, added, “The Pope is getting it all wrong. He’s asking for a global condemnation on all terrorist acts, which essentially calls for Muslims to condemn other Muslims. It makes no sense. He needs a global condemnation of Barack Hussein Obama and his policies. I have managed to repeat the dangerous stuff Obama’s doing on this show, over and over again. Isn’t the Pope listening to the stuff I spend hours making up? It’s a sad day when Christianity moves away from hatred. What next, you can’t get into heaven if you’re F-ing rich?”

Washington, DC—The last two quarters marked the strongest six months of economic growth in over a decade. The news could not have come at a worse time as Democrats are already struggling with a new wave of Obamacare enrollments as well as an unemployment rate plummeting below 6%.

“This could not have come at a worse time,” said Democratic Strategist Hilary Rosen. “Don’t you read the narrative?”

The President dodged questions today about the wave of positive economic indicators that continue to plague his administration and his policies. “Sure there is plenty of positive economic news, but I would rather talk about Ferguson, or ISIS or that salute I did with that coffee in my hand. Remember that?”

The press demanded answers. The President told reporters, “I would like to remind everyone that the president has little to do with soaring stock markets and falling gas prices. That could happen to anyone, and has…uh, just not to Republicans much. Sure we have the strongest recovery in the west, but what about the south, or the frozen north. What about Greenland, Antarctica, or that place where they filmed Arctic Blue? They could all be doing better for all we know.”

Senator Al Franken of SNL said, “Look, strong economic news cannot be totally laid at the feet of Democrats. The inaction of Republicans, who, I remind you, did absolutely nothing in the last six years, may have actually contributed to this successful period through a prophetic brand of tactical inaction. Although, at first glance, it’s tough to see how.”

Republicans continued to bludgeon the President on issues of increased oil production and historically low interest rates. Overwhelmed, Obama stormed out of the press conference, visibly shaken. A close aid to Obama admitted the President hopes that “by invading Bucharest for no reason and then gutting Medicare, he may yet save his legacy.”