Washington, DC—A Federal D.C. Circuit Judge ruled against the first lady today in the case of Brown Something vs the Bored of Mashed Potatoes. As a result, the First Lady will be subjected to four semesters of her own lunch menu from Lincoln Middle School on West 16^th Street. The meals will be delivered to the White House by a sheriff appointed by the court and each weekday the meal will be consumed in the presence of said Sheriff.

Republicans are calling this a major victory on the War on Tater Tots, but the President expressed his outrage today, “This is an outrage and it is today,” said Obama, wholly endorsing the narrative. “You think republicans are mad about the amount of vacations we normally go on, huh? Until this court stipulation thing is over you can find us at Camp Maui.”

Senator John Q. Republican is calling this ruling a “good start” but questions the details of the case, “Why is the associated cost of the food and the delivery shifted to the American tax payer? This is another liberal handout.”

AM radio host Rush Limbaugh said, “Increasing nutrients in school lunches is un-American. Fish sticks should not be made from sticks and meat pie has pie right in the word. Isn’t apple pie American enough for you people? I grew up on grade D but edible meat product, just like the founding fathers envisioned. Hell, I used to sip the grease right off the tray growing up. There’s nothing wrong with that, unless you burn your tongue. Besides, salad is for fags. I’m not a gaynecologist but, who knows, maybe that green stuff causes faggery. Did our Commander-in-Chef salad ever think of that?”

When questioned about the wisdom of increasing his vacations, President Obama said, “Look, you heard of frequent flyer miles, right? I have a shit ton to use by the end of 2016.”

Topeka, KS—Not only is Topeka known for the “fag hating” Westboro Baptist church, it is also the home to the poster-child for republicana, Sam Brownback.  Governor Brownback told the press today, “The state of Kansas will be divided and subsumed by our four neighboring states. This is not a negative reflection on conservative economic policies. This is all part of a larger plan to make Puerto Rico a state and keep America’s overall number of states at a nice even 50.”

The Governor of Texas, Rick Perry, weighed in on the news. “I have never been more grateful for the Oklahoma panhandle than I am today. That tiny strip of land is keeping Texas from having to support parts of that shit show of a place. This will shift the burden of this failed state to Oklahoma, Nebraska, Colorado and uh…um…The fourth one, uh, I can’t. Sorry. Oops.”

Brownback also apologized to Rand and McNally as this is a big change to the lay of the land—no small point for one of the largest map makers in the country. The Governor then tried to highlight the positives, “This will not change the route of the Keystone Pipeline. This may even be an opportunity for the Keystone State to become involved, although looking at the map I can’t see how. We also get a lot of tornados here and maybe the new divided state won’t. Also, the folks who live in the northwestern section of Oknebourirado will become part of Colorado and will therefore immediately be eligible for Obamacare and marijuana. The rest of you are still pretty screwed.”

When asked about the name Oknebourirado, Brownback said, “Sorry, that’s just the interim name that we came up with for the state-formerly-known-as-Kansas. Eventually our four bordering states will just be larger. And I can probably guess your next question, I have no idea how this change will impact the rock band Kansas, but I’m sure they will carry on my wayward—oh, I can’t do that prepared joke. It’s terrible. This is not a laughing matter, not like my economic policies.”

Tampa Bay, Fla—After announcing his presidential bid, Jeb Bush promptly resigned from the Board of Directors of Barclay’s, a multinational bank, Rayonier, one of the nation’s largest private landowners, and Tenet Healthcare Corporation. This week the Bush camp followed up these moves by severing ties with Cyberdyne, creators of artificial cyborgs, Soylent Corp., a cannibalistic offshoot of Monsanto, and Umbrella Systems, best known for a number of bio-weaponry and genetic engineering “mishaps”. Oh, and whatever the hell that company was from 28 Days Later.

Bush is claiming there is no correlation between his running for president and his decision to break all ties to these evil conglomerates. “I have no quarrel with any of these fine institutions, nor am I questioning their business practices,” said Bush. “These companies are the champions of industry and represent the very finest aspects of American entrepreneurialship, except maybe that turning-dead-people-into-food part.”

When asked about Cyberdyne’s creation and subsequent release of the T-virus, a bio weapon that caused several lengthy zombie sequels, Bush said, “I don’t agree with everything Umbrella is doing in those clandestine subterranean labs. The T-virus is not something I was made aware of during my tenor on their Board and, had I known about this, I would have shut that shit down circa Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), not waited until Resident Evil: Retribution (2012). This certainly factored into my decision to step down. Look, I do not want to minimize the millions of deaths, the subsequent reanimations, the ultimate head shots that occurred during the T-virus outbreaks, but I do want to remind potential voters that I made a shit load of money during that time period.”

When asked about Soylent Corporation, Bush admitted, “Yes, yes, we all know Soylent Green is people, but that should not diminish their other tasty, non-people-related products. And, as for your next question, Skynet fell thanks to the quick thinking of that Connor kid and his mother, so can we just get passed that shit already?”

When asked about his current connection to Koch Industries, Bush ended the interview and stormed off.

Washington, D.C.—President Barack Obama changed his mind today on Sony’s decision to air The Interview in theaters across America. Upon watching the Rogen/Franco production, Obama announced, “I think Sony initially had it right and I am denouncing this movie in the strongest possible terms.”

Republicans immediately accused the President of flip-flopping and of being “weak on humor”. John Q. Republican said, “This is a slippery slope. What about Chaplin’s Great Dictator or Borat’s not-so-great one? What about Sausage Party? If they all go, then you can say goodbye to Zoolander, and I refuse to let that happen, not while I am an American Senator who ran on family values and equality while banging most of the help.”

Obama promptly responded to critics, “After watching this turkey of a film, I threw up a little in my mouth, and then I called Kim Jong Un and personally apologized for America’s actions, certain South Park episodes, that internet thing, as well as for most of reality television.”

When asked about Mick Zano’s proposal, urging Rogen to “add at least ten more jokes”, Obama remained nonplussed. “Ten more jokes or ten thousand, the acid reflux would be the same. Heck, that turkey I just pardoned on Thanksgiving has nothing on this thing. Look, humor can incite violence.  Crime spiked in Fargo after the movie Fargo and Ambien sales rose dramatically in Washington state after the premiere of Sleepless in Seattle. Furthermore, Raising Arizona only encouraged kidnapping in the Grand Canyon State and it’s not Always Sunny in Philadelphia, in fact, it rains there a lot. It also rains a lot in Seattle.  Coincidence? I don’t know. My teleprompter crapped out two minutes ago, so I’m just making shit up.”

Republicans question whether the teleprompter “crapped out” sometime in 2010.