Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Mysterious Martian Haze Identified

Mysterious Martian Haze Identified

Mars—At certain intervals the red planet is spewing plumes of smoke into the air that can be seen from space. Baffled by this occurrence, NASA has shifted resources to get to the bottom of these strange atmospheric anomalies. The scientific community grew suspicious, however, when a correlation became apparent.

NASA’s representative Dr. John Dean explains, “We started seeing a pattern between the mysterious plumes of smoke and the last known coordinates of the inactive rover, Spirit. In fact, the smoke was always directly above the droid. Then we thought, hey, maybe that’s why this thing stopped working in the first place. We also noted the time of these events, 4:20 PM each afternoon. That’s when I said ‘Houston we have a pothead.’”

NASA remains unsure if marijuana is plentiful and/or legal on Mars. They suspect the rover smuggled the substance onto the red planet in its alpha-particle manifold. The first communication in nearly a year from the rover, asking NASA to “send chips”, further supports their reefer-rover theory.

“Is there weed on Mars?” said Dr. Johnson. “We need to find this out. If Spirit did bring the stuff from Earth will some cyborg addiction counseling help? Maybe that could get this rover off the couch-shaped rock it stalled on and get it to do something with its life.”

When asked about the amounts of marijuana needed to create a plume of smoke that can be seen from space, Dr. Johnson said, “Such an event is not without precedent. We have been monitoring atmospheric conditions above Discord Tower for many years, suffice to say it takes a lot.”

50 Shades of Grey Crayons Are a Marketing Bust

50 Shades of Grey Crayons Are a Marketing Bust

Easton, PA—A marketing idea that started with a collaborative effort between the makers of Fifty Shades of Grey and Crayola Crayons has failed. Their idea seems to have collapsed on several levels. Parents and teachers complained about the S&M themed color names and the children soon got sick of only coloring storm clouds and castles.

The CEO of Crayola takes full responsibility for the business decision, “I really don’t know what we were thinking, but the original idea did come from our Denver branch. The mile high city, if you know what I mean. But I want people to know we’ve already pulled our Breaking Black and our Beauty and the Bestiality series. I just want people to know we’re taking this seriously.”

The story broke when a mother voiced her concerns to a principal outside of St. Louis Missouri. “I don’t think my child should be coloring with All of Grey’s Anatomy and Sex Slave Dungeon Wall Grey. Not to mention that one was way too light.”

The CEO of Crayola responded by saying, “Look, remember Bugs Bunny had jokes on different levels, you know, to keep the kids and the parents watching? Shit, we could have used that. Bugs Bunny grey, nice one. We really struggled with the names for the final 35—even with help from all the Denver people. I came up with Grey Goose Vodka Grey but they shot that one down. Dicks.”

White House Lawn Drone “Acted on Own”

White House Lawn Drone "Acted on Own"

Washington, D.C.—The data recovered from a very small black box retrieved from the drone that recently crashed on The White House lawn, suggests the drone “acted alone”. The information stored on the unmanned aerial vehicle also indicates the device may have become radicalized after viewing a rerun of a particularly controversial episode of Robot Chicken.

John Q. Republican doubts these initial reports. “This was not a lone drone attack. A coordinated strike would not fit snugly into this Administration’s false narrative. I think this is the first wave of a robot vanguard, which is a testament to this President’s ongoing inability to protect our borders and his failure to identify cybernetic threats—Robot Chicken related or otherwise.”

The Obama Administration is calling for calm. “I have seen every Terminator movie,” said Obama, “I am therefore confident that should such a scenario play out in America, I would be like Will Smith in I, Robot. Remember that shit?”

“More like Robot Chicken,” argued John Q. Republican. “We can no longer afford the luxury of waiting until a threat actually exists. We need to bomb the shit out of Comedy Central today and then we must bomb all those cyborg making factories and stores. We’re done waiting for pussies like Obama to actually assess the best strategies. Look, I’m not a dataologist, but what do we really know about these black boxes and those liberal technicians who read them?”

Brian Williams has recanted his earlier account, “This is not the drone that attacked me while I was preparing an NBC segment on the dangers of sentient cyborg technologies. It did look like it, though. Gosh, I feel terrible again.”