New research conducted by Primates-R-Us Laboratories suggests chimpanzees have acquired all of the necessary skills to become Congressmen. Chimpanzees learned to dress in suits while filming movies during the 1950’s – 60’s.  They have also learned to respond to anything the alpha chimpanzee is doing simply by flinging feces. Now, some primates are proficient at both flinging feces and having affairs with their interns.  Many scientists believe this is the last skill that separates primates from politicians.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Lube said, “We are watching evolution occur. In this case, it’s really more about evolutions converging as chimps are evolving and Congress is devolving. So essentially they were bound to meet.”

When asked about the comprehension of legislation, Dr. Hogbein explained, “This is no longer a requirement of Congress. Case in point, no one, Democrat or Republican, read the Affordable Care Act and it has been the law of the land for some time. The other criteria we scrutinized was the filibuster, but chimps are capable of grandstanding-style speeches with both chest thumping and feces flinging. The sheer endurance needed for an all-night filibuster simply requires the consumption of enough bananas prior to the condition stimulus.”

Upon ending the interview Dr. Hogbein added, “Good thing Republicans don’t believe in evolution because they haven’t quite mastered it yet. Oh, and what does a monkey fling across a room that sounds like Pavlov’s bell? Dung! Get it!”

Washington, DC—Senator Mitch McConnell unveiled his plan to “break the last of the shit that’s still working” while on Meat Depress earlier today.  The republican leader believes his party can accomplish this important non-task by the end of Obama’s tenor. “By not actually doing anything,” said McConnell, “and by leaving the Capitol Building mid-session, it not only increases the likelihood of a republican president in 2016, but it also increases my own hourly wage, tenfold.”

When asked about blocking Loretta Lynch’s Attorney General nomination, McConnell said, “I was prepared to support the Loretta Lynn nomination, after all, I love Coal Miner’s Daughter. Who doesn’t?  In fact, I love all things country and all things coal. But then this black woman, who can’t sing a lick, walks into the room. I was mortified.”

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, explained how by not confirming the Lynch nomination, Eric Holder could remain our Attorney General indefinitely. McConnell responded, “I agree that’s unfortunate, but the only thing I like less than a black man is a black woman.”

When McGrath pointed out how, as a woman, Lynch would likely earn only 86% of Holder’s salary, McConnell said, “You’re really selling this, young lady. I admire you for that. But, by actually taking action on something, it would go against our strategy of not doing anything. It’s like one of those congressional paradoxes. We could blow up the universe or something. I watch Cosmos too, you know—just not the parts that involve science. But I’ll tell you what, let’s see if Loretta can at least sing that song she did with Conway Twitty. Remember that? She sings a tune and that might change mine, although probably not.”

Miami, Fla— The Department of Environmental Protection is banning their employees from the words ‘climate change’ and ‘global warming.’ Always ready to create a better life through relabeling, conservatives are rethinking their strategy to fight Mother Nature. The Governor of Florida, Rick Scott, explained, “You can say any of those words but just not together. You can say, like, the climate is warm today and I have to change into shorts. Stuff like that is fine. We just need to keep some distance between those politically charged words.”

When asked, “Why?” the Governor explained, “I do not approve of Obama’s handling of radical Islam, but this model can actually work when addressing coastal flooding. Why needlessly radicalize countless otherwise moderate water molecules? Water is harmless unless it coordinates and gathers into great radicalized waves. Tidal terrorism might just be one of the greatest threats our country faces. Oceanic extremists threaten our very way of life here and what is Florida without our bitches? Sorry, I mean beaches.”

When asked if there would be any associated fines or consequences for saying the words C****** C****, the Governor said, “Look, if you have to use those words together, like some liberal teacher gives a homework assignment, firstly, I would report that. But, in the interest of a grade for a particular class, at least use quotes around the words. This implies it’s bullshit. I am not planning fines or jail time for anyone who mentions these forbidden terms, but no options are off the table. We want folks to just exercise common sense, while avoiding said common sense.”

Currently the Department of Environmental Protection is planning to follow this mandate, but some former DEP workers are speaking out. “As a climatologist, I like to say those words together to explain large weather patterns and changing systems.”

Governor Scott said, “See? You did that without mentioning those words. Strong work! Some think I’m way off base but, hell, so is my base. Besides, if we lose the expected 30% of our beaches in the coming decades there will no longer be enough sand for republicans to bury their heads in. Not on my watch.”

Washington, DC—Obama sent his sincerest apologies to Benjamin Netanyhu after his speech to congress was plagued with explosions and endless drumming. The Rotunda room, the room located directly in front of where the Israeli Prime Minister gave his speech, had two simultaneous events. Someone had double-booked punk drummer tryouts and a 4th of July “practice” display.

Obama told the press, “We are looking into how this could have happened. Whoever double booked two such important events will be hearing from me personally, or at least a personalized text from me sent by my Secretary of Texting. I could barely hear the drummers over the firework display. This simply will not do. The buck stops here and, as a direct result, I have decided to relinquish command in 2016. Mostly.”

Explosions rocked Congress as Netanyahu pleaded with Congress over the sound of bombs and sifting dust. “This is what I’m talking about. If America chooses to sit on its hands idly and allow Iran to get their own fireworks display, you will have to get used to this kind of thing.”

The lead guitarist for the Armpit Salesman, Nigel Scourge, said, “Congress really needs to keep it down. Nuclear proliferation is important but so is finding this year’s drummer. Peace.”

The Armpit Salesman tend to go through drummers about once a year and have a clear goal of surpassing Spinal Tap’s total number of drummers by 2017. “Because our drummers go to 11,” added Scourge.

The President added, “I don’t want to be part of the reason The Armpit Salesman don’t reach their lofty goal. I don’t think anyone does.”