There’s a bar…a bar at the bowling alley.
Pope To Pop Fox News Bubble
by Mick Zano •
Vatican City—The Pope has invoked an amazing amount of ire on the right. I haven’t seen this much angst since Obama tried to insure more Americans for less money. His Holiness recently stated that weapons manufactures can no longer call themselves Christians. What next, is the Pope going to stop supporting our troops? Will he revoke his NRA membership? From my cold, dead psalms! What you are now hearing is the sound of our Fox and Friends being nailed to the proverbial cross. Weapons of Mass Crucifixion?
Is Climate Change Killing off Our Japanese Monsters?
by Mick Zano •
Tokyo, JP—The left wing media remains overly fixated on the deaths of seals, dolphins and polar bears, but what’s going to happen to our giant radioactively-enlarged monsters? With the advent of climate change Polar bears are switching their food source from seals to dolphins, and sharks are already acquiring a taste for human flesh. This begs the question, what’s going to happen when our ocean’s apex predators get a Big Mac attack? What happens when Godzilla runs out of whale kibble? What happens when Gamera runs out of Megaladon and chips? Speaking of which, always offer the malt-vinegar with that order. Gamera totally loses his shit without malt-vinegar! Do you want some toast with that town of yours? Word to the wise, that turtle is not fucking around.
Brilliant Or Diabolical Scheme To Ensure A 2016 Dem Victory?
by Mick Zano •
Lawsuit: Tito’s Handmade Vodka Not Made From Real Hands
by Mick Zano •
Nation’s Capital Assailed By Patriotic Missiles
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Washington was assailed by a barrage of patriotic and colorful missiles. Didn’t you read the headline? The President is referring to this attack as Operation: Flag and Awe as many onlookers waved flags and said “awe” during the hour long siege of our Nation’s Capital.
The President, who to onlookers appeared drunk, rambled on about NASA and England’s upcoming UFO disclosures and then started plagiarizing parts of the presidential speech from the Sci Fi movie classic, Independence Day. It marked the first time in U.S. history the Secret Services contemplated taking out the President in the interests of national security.
Sanders To Equally Distribute Campaign Contributions To Other Candidates
by Mick Zano •
Madison, WI—The self-proclaimed socialist, Bernie Sanders (I-Vt), is rocking the campaign trail. Over the course of the last three months he has raised an estimated 15-million dollars. The current Vermont Senator made a bold statement in Wisconsin today, “I am not having any of it…well, more accurately, I’m only going to have some of it.” In the true spirit of socialism, Sanders plans to divvy the funds equally between all the other Democratic presidential hopefuls.
Sanders told reporters, “Socialism works and Hillary doesn’t. Can you say, Benghazi? No really, the H is silent. It’s weird. Anyway, I’m just glad I’m running on the Democratic ticket. Hell, if I had to split the money on the republican side I’d have to raise enough to fund the Defense Department just to get enough for a Starbucks.
Carrey Admits He’s Captain Obvious!
by Mick Zano •
Since Switching To IPAs I Haven’t Noticed This Phytoestrogen ‘Man Boob’ Thing… At All
by Mick Zano •
Flagstaff, AZ—I moved to the southwest several beers ago and I have since shifted my tastes toward more western-style IPAs. Brewifest Destiny? Now I have come to discover, via a recent NPR segment, that hops are the direct cause of man boobs. And here I though it was because of my addiction to Cheese Doodles and my strong repulsion to all forms of exercise.
The culprit for these ‘Moobs’, or brew ta tas, is something called phytoestrogen, an active plant estrogen found in hops. What makes western IPAs linked more strongly to the growth of breasts in men is the sheer quantity of hops used in this style of beer. What makes this phytoestrogen more linked to my personal manboobery is my tendency to order imperial IPAs, or “D-Mugs” as I like to call them. Hey, maybe Bruce Jenner could have saved some serious cash switching from Wheaties to Witbier. What, too soon?
In 5-4 Decision Justices Agree To Abandon Scalia On Subway Platform
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—In a landmark decision today, the Supreme Court has agreed to lure Justice Anthony Scalia to a designated subway station and leave him there. The other Justices hope to convince Scalia that this is a planned outing that will include both a free lunch as well as a chance to overturn the Affordable Care Act. The other members of the Supreme Court are going to act as if they’re getting off at the Capitol Heights Station and then plan to jump back on board just before the train pulls away.
Justice Ginsberg explained, “I don’t plan on any jumping, per se, but I can lean toward the door a little.” When questioned about the legality of this move, she said, “We decide what’s legal, remember? Look, if we had our own Supreme Court reality show, we would have voted Scalia off Justice Island a long time ago. We’re just implementing our own three strikes and you’re out thing. Scalia is a conservative, he is a Catholic, and he is a Yankee’s fan. Oh, and it doesn’t help that he’s an asshole.”