Obama’s Reluctance To Get Troops Killed For No Reason “Intolerable”
by Mick Zano •
The cries for Obama to resign for his foreign policy impotence grows deafening. At last week’s G-20 Summit, the Prez expressed his overarching strategy to combat terrorism, albeit unenthusiastically. I share his Low-T response. But why the militaristic sad face? …well, Reagan’s efforts to quell the Soviet Union helped create al-Qaeda and Bush’s efforts in Iraq helped create ISIS. Oh, and no one living in the Middle East really understands the borders we created for them and, worse still, republicans don’t either. Despite these facts, Fox and friends are chomping at the bit to create the next more powerful incarnation of evil. They also insist we accomplish this dubious goal with our own bombs, our own lives and our own treasure. Winning! Sorry, but Democrats will never frame this conflict as a holy war, not because they can’t grasp current events, they simply refuse to be tools for ISIS. Speaking of tools…
“If we don’t get more vets injured in battle, the lines at Walter Reed are risk of becoming reasonable. Not on my watch!”
—Senator John Q. Republican
New Discord T-Shirts Causing Copyright Snafu
by Mick Zano •
Put The Fish Bladder Back Guinness Or I’m Cancelling Happy Hour At Murphy’s!
by Mick Zano •
Las Vegas, NV—It’s been awhile since I’ve paid homage to the Guinness Gods, but I wish I was returning to this topic under better circumstances. I bring terrible news. It’s not about the Mets; it’s much worse. Guinness is taking the trace amounts of fish bladder from their famous malt-roasted magic. I know, I know, but it’s going to be okay, because I’m suing Guinness and every internet troll who attacked the use of this natural product. This important ingredient will likely be replaced with creosote or some other industrial varnish. How can they change a centuries old recipe in any way shape or form, even if said form is bladder-shaped?! Don’t touch a hair on this sacred brew’s head…well, you can take out the hair, but that’s all! Hit the read more button to read my inflammatory letter sent snail-mail to Guinness Inc.
Upon Entry Into U.S. Should Refugees Pass A Holy Waterboarding Test?
by Mick Zano •
Washington—Congress has advanced a bill encouraging people from war-ravaged parts of the Middle East to: “Stay the F put and make the best of it.” This bill also caps the number of refugees arriving from this region of the world to four. Those four lucky new Americans must agree to be blessed with Holy Water as part of the last phase of a new 37-step immigration process. Democrats are criticizing the bill as being “over the top” and “stupid, even for them.”
“Nonsense,” said Senator John Q. Republican. “This is not over the top, that is a Stallone movie. Look, not only can Holy Water expose and or burn potential Muslim terrorists, it might also keep vampires out of our country indefinitely. It’s win, win!”
Jindal Claims He Never Recovered From Trump’s Anchor Baby Comments
by Mick Zano •
Bobby Jindal is dropping out of the presidential race and is blaming republican frontrunner, Donald Trump. The Donald claimed the only real “dropping” originated with his parents. Trump believes Jindal’s very foreign parents abandoned him on the steps of the Louisiana Governor’s office at the tender age of 34. He was then taken in by then Governor, Kathleen Blanco, who he eventually replaced by locking her out of her own home when she went out to get the groceries in 2007.
Did Ben Carson Confuse Giza With Vegas For His Important Pyramid Theory?
by Mick Zano •
Last of Gitmo Detainees Traded To Colorado Avalanche
by Mick Zano •
In a deal many republicans are calling “reckless” and “shortsighted”, The Department of Defense has traded the last of the Guantanamo detainees to the Colorado Avalanche. This move follows other controversial deals that have scattered the prisoners into several teams across the National Hockey League. One detainee is already in critical condition after being ‘Zamboni-boarded’ between periods by his own teammates.
