And Salmonella still has nothing to do with salmon.
Michigan Gov. Unveils Plan To Build Titanic Brita Flinter System
by Mick Zano •
Flint, MI—Two years ago the city of Flint, Michigan shifted to a more fiscally sound and sustainable water supply. Unfortunately lead has now completely contaminated the water supply as well as the people themselves. The Governor of Michigan, Rick Snyder, is now scrambling to fix the situation and minimize the health toll. At a town hall meeting, Governor Snyder proposed the construction of a giant Brita Tower. He explained, “I have found a way to make this happen. By getting Mexicans to build this thing, we can create this important filtration unit, lower taxes, and then permanently deport the illegal workers to Lansing. It’s win win win!”
Blizzard Update: Man In E3 Waiting Until Chick in E4 Finishes Watching All 49 Episodes of American Horror Story Before “Making Move”
by Mick Zano •
Bloomfield, NJ—Amidst the recent east coast blizzard, 26-year-old tenant of Crestridge Apartments E3, Kyle Gustafson, has a plan to “finally hit on that girl in E4.” The plan, which many are calling ‘stupid’, involves his waiting until she watches all 49 episodes of American Horror Story on Netflix. There are so many problems with Mr. Gustafson’s plan, not the least of which is: Netflix is offering 51 episodes, not 49.
Placement Of New Del Taco Totally F’s Up Ancient Mayan Ruins
by Mick Zano •
Peru—Many in the country of Peru are furious with the construction of a Del Taco in the Middle of what many believe is an important Mayan archeological site. The CEO of Del Taco, Paul Murphy, was quick to respond, “Look, the Mayans already ruined the place, right? The operative words here are ‘ruins’ and ‘abandoned’, so placement of our facility at this location should only increase property value.”
The Mayans all but disappeared around 900 AD and lost any legal rights to the land in the 70s. There are many theories surrounding their disappearance, from Ancient Aliens to ancient value menus. As captain of team Search Truth Quest, I am not convinced they’re truly gone. Sure we haven’t seen any Mayans around in well over a thousand years, but the Aztecs were spotted as recently as Scooby Do and the Aztec Tomb.
Xenaphobia On The Rise Among Republicans
by Mick Zano •
Bernie V Trump: Clash Of The Whitens
by Mick Zano •
This rather extreme scenario, Bernie V Trump, may actually playout on the political stage. Granted, it may not go down exactly like the picture, but probably something pretty close. Folks are so disgusted with the establishment, we’re all fringing out. I fear liberals are moving too far ahead of today’s cultural psyche. We are not ready for a Bernie Sanders. Republicans are also too advanced…uh, were this the era when our oceans were dominated by those shelled squid-like things. Its amazing to me what the republican party has become, but what’s more amazing is how so few of them have seemed to notice.
This Week’s Dumb Text Of The Week Goes To…The Watchmen
by Mick Zano •
Increased Logging Endangering ROUS Habitat
by Mick Zano •
Naked Woman Attacks Diners During Waffle House Rampage
by Mick Zano •
This is the first non-fiction headline to appear on The Discord. It’s not ours. Discord News Alert: we can not compete with this. It’s important to understand one’s limitations as this is simply beyond our current comedic abilities. To add insult to spoofery, on the same day our lead anchor, Matt Mathewson, informed me of a second headline: Red Power Ranger Murders Roommate With Conan Sword. Seeing headlines like these should inspire me, but they only compel me to attack random diners in some Waffle House with a Conan sword, preferably naked.
Trump Ups His Attack On Cruz
by Mick Zano •
“I’m going to send Cruz’s head to the Prime Minister of Canada, and I’m drop-kicking Rubio’s toward Cuba.”
—Donald Trump