I guess I’m one of the more basal forms of life, for I had to read your integral whatever-the-fuck-it-was three times to understand it.  You are always looking for the psychological reasoning behind all that happens here on this whirling pile of dirt and water dat we call oit (well, you call it Earth, where I come from it’s oit). You subscribe  to the Ken Wilber school of thought regarding eternal happenings. I, on the other hand, subscribe to the Keith Richards school of reasoning. “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED.”

As you get older, which I really hope happens in your case, you will start to see that there just aren’t enough enlightened psychological reasons (EPRs) why some shit happens. It’s very Zen, but sometimes shit just happens. Wow, that’s some deep shit. 

Every day I am bombarded with severely mentally restricted people doing the most amazing things, while right next to them some brainiac is doing the stupidest frigging thing imaginable (like writing for the Discord). In both cases, the Richards principle holds true. The idiot who has a moment of clarity will benefit by it and possibly repeat it another day, and the brainiac will see his mistake and will hopefully reverse the flow of shit in time, never to repeat that mistake again. There are exceptions of course. Karl Rove comes to mind and so does Barack O’Bama. They can both be looking right at, but can’t seem to see, the tidal wave of fecal matter coming straight toward them (a political Poonami, if you will). They can miss the perfect shit storm, every time.  Ultra-liberals will pile money, in the form of a dam, hoping to stop the flow. They will soon realize they’ve exhausted the supply and get very brown indeed. Ultra-conservatives will create an ad campaign for “Natural Fertilizer”, and charge people to come and take some, “While supplies last!” fucking everyone in the process.  Doing a heck of job, Browny.

When the Saudis and that Al Qaeda guy got together in NYC and leveled those two mob constructed wonders of modern design (it was a wonder they stood up for as long as they did), we got exactly what we needed. Worf and Darth Vader all rolled up into one balding, overweight Vice President. There was no repeat for eight years. We all got what we needed at that point in time. Did it cost us freedoms? You betcha.  Should they have stopped before going into Iraq?  Si. But we are all alive. We got what we needed, not what we wanted. Now, let’s just assume that the major threat is over, which it most certainly is not. Is it time to move on and re-boot?  Absolutely.  We all need to get back to the things that made this country great (like half-priced naked body shots). We need to step back from the ‘protection at all cost’ mindset, but not TOO far back. OBama represents that one step beyond. He wants to move us so far from the Constitution that it would take help from the Hubble telescope just to read Hancock’s signature.

But, it is what we need now. A total re-boot. I just hope we can stop the pendulum before it goes too far in the other direction. That is where media comes in. The Media MUST be the festering boil on ALL Presidents’ asses. It is the only REAL system of checks and balances we peons can be sure of. When they stop doing their job, we are all in deep do-da. The only irritation OBama’s ass has is FOX News. The rest of the media doesn’t have time to irritate it, because they’re too busy kissing it. Until the media wakes up and starts to do their job, FOX will HAVE to do.

I can only hope that your wife is correct, and the spiral will never swing as low as the last time (she might have a point). Oh yeah, and Ron Paul is a jackass. You can not just walk away from the rest of the world; it doesn’t work that way. We countries need each other for commerce, as well as for the larger good guys to keep the bully kids away from our smaller friends. We need to interact for the benefit of all. And occasionally beat up Luxembourg for its lunch money.  You start walking away from decades old commitments, and the backlash will be very painful, like, Tom Delay’s dancing painful.

As far as higher and lower perspectives, we need both to survive, and we just saw why. Higher and lower perspectives exist on this earth, and always will. We will always need our very own “lower perspectives” to combat theirs. It’s just the way of things.

Oh, and Jimmy Carter is not anywhere near a higher perspective. He has been wrong all his life, and continues to this day his massive misuse of brain cells. Just look at his latest statement that is actually being repeated by many in the Liberal media. ALL PEOPLE WHO DISAGREE WITH O’BAMA ARE RACIST?   Please, just go and trip in a peanut field somewhere.

I ♥ dead dinosaurs

The Crank

Portland, OR – A new proposal, H.R. 3311, calls for a $150 million dollar test project designed to help the government monitor a mileage-based gas tax that would monitor all U.S. travelers. The bill was introduced by Rep. Earl Blumenauer, D-Ore.

Earl, are you Blumenauer crazy?

Now, as I have said before, there are LOTS of things I can crank on, but being a car gorilla at heart, this hits below the belt (now if only gorillas wore belts…). Here are the ramifications of such a heiney-headed move (HHM).

First off, the tax itself. In a country as large as America, much pleasure and business is conducted between Cracker Barrel restaurants. If you start taxing miles, we are all going back to the fucking 18th century, where we never need travel more than 20 miles from our home in our lifetime.  Hey, this is just the thing Obamarino needs to fund his foray into fascism. Oh, but wait, if you have to pay taxes on travel, you won’t travel. If you won’t travel, you won’t generate any taxes. But you WILL decimate the countries economy. Insert “Duh” here.

Hey Earl, come over here and turn around so I can hit you in the back of your fucking head. Did you go to a party college (you know, where Mikko went) or was it B.O.C.E.S.?

 To quote the late great Billy Mays, “But wait, there’s more”.

In the new American single-fucker, er, I mean, single-payer health system, this can bring on a whole new meaning to Big Bro. I can see it now: we will probably get tasered for just stopping at a Jack in the Box to pee. Black helicopters will circle the “blue plate” districts in our towns, looking with “FatVision goggles” for the telltale jiggle and rippling lipids of a fat man—a fat man sprinting across three lanes of traffic to make it unseen to the Country Buffet from his car parked over at the mall. Men in Ninja gear will rappel out and “down” the running fatman like a Rhino chased by Ocabogian poachers. McDonald’s will be putting all of their new restaurants inside LA Fitness’s. People will be parking in “Fat Lots” where like-minded businesses that cater to the more corpulent desires can shuttle you to your favorite Gordita stand, which will be hidden behind the façade of a hardware store or Laundromat, ala the fake Rock Ridge in Blazing Saddles.

Of course, you will need to say the password to get in.  My suggestion would be Lipitor, for at least the first week.  Once inside, you will whisper your desires to a dark glassed swarthy gentleman who will lead you to a booth in the corner, where you will partake of your triple thick vanilla malt by sucking it into a large syringe and injecting it directly into your aorta. Then you will lean back, close your eyes, and drift off into a cholesterolic coma.  I know, it sounds like I have tried this before, but we won’t go there.

There is also the burgeoning aftermarket of tiny two cylinder engines that install on top of your 6 liter V8 to fool the GPS and the Carbon Police into thinking you are getting the mandated 104 MPG.  I can’t wait.

There, I’ve done it. I have actually frightened myself. I must now get my big beige ass into my Hemi Ram and go for two Six Dollar Burgers at Carl’s Jr, and do some donuts in the parking lot.

You’ll never take me alive, Bastards!!

I ♥ Liquid Dinosaurs

The Crank

I assume you have won the lottery, Zano, based on your latest foray into the mind numbing netherworld of healthcare reform. You see, as has been stated before, the problem with socialism is you eventually run out of other people’s money. Now I assume you haven’t given the money aspect a thought, have you? How could you have, when you still have no idea about how money works, other than its uses when made tubular? Mental health expert, maybe, money maven, not a friggin clue (but I digress).

Government run anything is a problem. It’s inherently corrupt and its ability to block out the Sun by covering the earth in red tape is an accepted theory by most well edumakated scientists and mathematicians. England’s government run healthcare system is the largest employer in that country and have you looked at their teeth? “Well geeh, Medicare and Medicaid work well,” is in fact a total fallacy, as these programs are at or near total bankruptcy. Some of the worst care in the world is our own Government run Native American health system, where the phrase “nocto barumba kotchaxcalla juto” (no get sick past June when money run out) is a well accepted fact. They also have a provision in the plan to tax any small businesses that don’t offer healthcare to their employees, and they may figure out that an 8% tax is cheaper than coverage, so in the free plan they go, and soon, no more insurance companies, no more competition. You think the VA runs well? Ask my father-in law. They suck. No money, going broke, substandard care. One of the head doctors at the Long Island VA hospital told him that this was the last place on earth you wanted to be if you were sick.

You actually have the ‘hones to bring up a Jon Stewart interview as if he was a real journalist? Uh, well, ah, no Mikko, he is an entertainer, like Billy-O, only with a sense of humor.

Now there ARE ways to improve the healthcare system, and I only hope some of these ideas make it to the final bill that will be rammed through at 3:00 AM. on a Sunday by Sith Lord Rahm and his not-ready-for-prime-time, communist Czars (you know, the ones who get to sidestep the whole “checks and balances” thingy). Oh yeah, but that’s ok ‘cause Bush started the dismantling of our Constitution, so continuing to do so is just peachy. After all, in your world as a mental health expert, maybe two wrongs DOES make a right. I’m just sayin’.

As far as the “Town Hall” meetings go, you couldn’t be more wrong and still be in our solar system. I have now been to three of them. Real people, real doctors, lawyers, trailer trash and Wal-Mart shoppers. These are working people, not Acorn unemployed, paid for with tax dollars, bussed in by Democrats types. They are very scared at anything government run, well, maybe not the lawyers.  They can read, believe it or not, and don’t see anything they like. If you really think they are not for real, or that their fears are “wrong” and “shouldn’t matter”, please pick up your one way ticket to cloud nine, you know, where all the elite geniuses live. This is America, or as most of these people say, Uhmurcah, which is at last look a Democracy, for better or for worse (just our like our marriages, no?).

Oh, and lose the “FOX LIES! FOX LIES!” thing too, will ya? They lie no more and no less than any one else, and if you can actually read and check out what they say, not just assume they are wrong cause it fits your lopysided idea of reality, and it IS true, well then guess what? I may be a Gorilla, but I can read, and use Google. Just don’t tell anyone or I’ll be a guinea pig for science for the rest of my life.

The ideas that I don’t seem to hear anywhere but the evil Fox Empire are as follows:

1. Why the fuck can I travel to Joisey from the desert southwest to buy a fucking microwave oven, but I can’t do the same for a better cheaper health plan? This will bring on more competition than any Government run system could hope to accomplish. This actually scares the hell out of the insurance companies (which, if you haven’t figured it out by now, is a good thing).
2. Tort reform, which will never happen, cause they’re all trial lawyers duh (“old Billy was right, kill all the lawyers, kill them tonight”). The more “cover my ass” decisions doctors make inherently means more wasted dollars. And my wife could tell you how much friggin malpractice insurance costs. Yes, in our current tort-reformless world nurses need it too, and I for one would rather have a fancy new CD player with a big subwiffer thingy in the Ram.
3. Fraud investigations. The amount of money stolen by “Michael Jackson’s doctor” types is staggering. It’s in the realm of near 20% of all costs.
4. And lest we forget the masses of people who have no insurance, let’s go over them. In reality, when you take away the young and stupid “I am steel and will live forever”, the “transient Americans” who cross the boarder to have their 12^th baby on the steps of the Laredo, Texas hospitals (whom I have absolutely no wish to pay for, seeing as how I, a one of the few actual wage earning taxpayers left on earth will be footing all these bills) and the ones who would rather buy that new F150 instead (who should actually die from their stupidity), you end up with around 12 million people who are unemployed, or have pre-existing fat-er-I-mean conditions and take too many of the wrong pills to get any affordable coverage (and no, I’m not talking about me, no, really). Let’s concentrate on getting them coverage. It’s cheaper, and more direct. It would make sense. (You know, Mick, sense, the word that describes efficient thinking)

Now, my final issue. WHY NOW? Cause Obama says so? FUCK HIM. How’s ‘bout we fix the fucking economy first, figure out how to pay for Social Security and Medicare long enough for this old beige gorilla to see some of it, huh?! How ‘bout REDUCING instead of adding to the deficit? Adding taxes now is a money 101 no-no. And taxes we will pay, just wait. You think you don’t make shit now. My infant grandson is already looking for 4 jobs. He’s already got the projectile vomiting thing down good, and he’s workin on shitting in yer hand, and peein in yer face. There are many very important things that need doing RIGHT NOW. We can and should do this layta! Peeps from the woild ova come here for treatment, they don’t go to Canada or Italy, they come here! Let’s not lose that. And as far as saving lives, people are dying every day waiting for their cancer treatments in Canada, so that argument is bull puppy.

Oh yeah, and Mikko…PALIN!

NEEEHeeheeheeheehee

I ♥ liquid dinosaurs

The Crank

Thankfully, there will always be people around like Mikko and his ilk, whose buttons are so much fun to press.  Today I have an announcement: I have discovered the Holy Grail of political provoking, a way to instantly turn any leftist Jekyll into an unbalanced Mr. Hyde.  Think of it as kind of a libertard Easy Button. I was watching a rather animated interview between a beautiful blond conservative columnist filling in for the Bill-O on the Fox News Channel (the only channel left with any viewers), and an official Democratic spokesperson of some kind. At first, the discourse went very well with each side expressing their views and viewpoints civilly and with proper etiquette all around; agreeing to disagree, as it were. It was then that the rent-a-Billy said the magic words: Sarah Palin. You could almost see the flop-sweat on his brow. His demeanor changed radically.  After a flash of fangs and flared nostrils, he told the world that he hoped that the next time he hears from the Palin Monster, she’d be on MTV after she marries and has sex with Flava Flav.

The rent-a-Billy was momentarily stunned by the outburst and proceeded to tell the guest that she was amazed at how much hatred Palin still provoked. He replied that he didn’t fear her, he just, well, hates her. She stated, the only reason that the guest would so quickly have lowered himself and the conversation to start down the personal attack gutter was that Palin still scared the shit out of him, for reasons real or imagined.

As a woman, she was insulted by his comments, and added, “While it would probably get some yucks in the MSNBC men’s restroom, it was entirely uncalled for in the present situation.”

At that precise moment, it all came into focus.  Everything sparkled in crystal clear clarity for me. I swear I heard a choir, trumpets, and those cherubs with those little golden harps. And just as the clouds parted, a bright shaft of sunlight split the murk.

Then I heard Mel Brooks, in long flowing robes, say, “I give you these fifteen, (oi, as one tablet drops)…Ten, Ten Commandments for all to obey.”

It mattered not that Sarah Palin was entirely un-electable, no longer in any sort of position of power, and no longer even held a political office. It doesn’t really matter, because all the really good looking girls are going to go out with the Mohawks anyway (what movie?).  It just doesn’t matter!

The Three Stooges adversary had his “Niagara Falls” moment: s l o w l y I turn-step-by-step, inch-by-inch, and Lou Costello had that unhinged client with that fateful trigger “Susquehanna Hat Company!”, and of course, in “Young Frankenstein”, the horses outside the door of Castle Frankenstein had Frau Blücher!

You see, it wasn’t known to us non-German folk, but Blücher means glue, but those horses knew. 

We can now safely add a new chapter to television-land triggers: the libertards of 2009 have their very own bouncing baby Blücher, the word Palin.

What fun!  Oh, rapture.  Now that I know this, it’s like when Igor (pronounced EYE-gore) kept opening the door and saying “Blücher!” just to hear the horse’s whinny. I just have to get a quiet bunch of civil, intelligent liberals together, and all I have to say is “Palin”, and I can hear them whinny for miles.  Just sit back, crack open a cold one, and watch them all foam at the mouth, then go all personal, sweaty, and uncomfortable. Their pulses will quicken and their blood pressure will rise into the stratosphere!   

“Palin!”

NEhehehe.

Oh, what a wonderful world.

What power we now wield.

Frodo can have his friggin Ring.

Palin!  NEhehehe. What a glorious weapon. Palin!  NEhehehe.

NEEeHeheehehheheeh.

I ♥ Liquid Dinosaurs

The Crank

OK, let’s break down your last bout of blogiarrhea.

First paragraph: Let’s start by bringing up the Bushmeister again, very novel.  Gee, it’s been six months already and we have to keep mentioning him to remind folks their beliefs are meaningless if they ever voted for W. That was 4 and 8 years ago. If this were the case, Micko, after your 6 year stint at a 4 year college you should remain perpetually mute. Oh yeah, then let’s quote Maher, the same guy who is looking at Vegas lounges now that Bush is no longer doing anything he can blame him for. Yes, the same Maher that just called all Americans stupid people in a recent interview.

Second paragraph: Again with Bush?  Just to remind all us Alzfuckingheimer patients, and let’s call all patriotic people dangerous slack-jawed unedumakated losers, so that the rest of us might feel justified in not giving a shit, or giving the wrong shit, as it were. That’s the same elitist bullshit I’ve heard before. Listen Omega Man, the notion that if you are conservative, religious and value all human life you can’t be taken seriously is flawed in every sense. If you really believe that, might I suggest that you take the next train to Switzerland with $10,000.00 and they will assist your suicide a-la Soylent Green.  Dr. Gevorkian, there’s a liberatard to see you.

You better watch your ass, Micko, there are Mormons out there that will outsmart you at every turn, and Mormons are nearly as dangerous as Scientologists, minus Tom Cruise and Xenu, Warrior Princess.

Third and fourth:

“She’s just obviously petty, inarticulate, and her politics, what can be gleaned of them, are pathetic.”

Mick, you really haven’t actually read any of her stuff, have you?  You just take the same stance as the rest of your ilk for fear of retribution. It’s obvious to me now that libs fear their own resident bullies far more than they fear a tight-assed perky-boobied ex-Governors (TAPBeG). Oh yeah, bring up Fox too.  After all, today it was stated that in the last ratings period Fox News Channel was second in ALL CABLE NETWORKS.  Where not just talking about news networks, but in the entire U.S. You are staring down the barrel of a hunting rifle Mikkwad, and the more elitist your words, the more pressure is being put on the collective trigger.

Fourth thru seventh: Can’t argue much, except, rather than waiting until he leaves to do the right thing, maybe Obama should leave office now. He could do a lot of permanent damage before the end of his term. I do actually believe that most common folk (you know, dickwads) do travel down the middle of the road. Unfortunately that usually means they are driving atop the white line, and that can be disastrous.  Hear ye, hear ye.  Middle of the roaders don’t want to hear from elitist Dems, progressives, Bible thumpers, CEO’s, or Xenu Warrior Princess.

Can’t anybody just do the fucking job? You’re the mental health expert here, can a truly noble politician ever be found? I think not. That’s why we need forced political service. Everyone between eighteen and sixty-five has to put in one year representing their state in Washington, DC.  The government will pay their mortgage and car payments, as well as room and board for that whole year. That way we will truly have no one to blame but ourselves.  

I have spoken.  Make it so…

Goomis

Dear Andre,

This is a rebuttal to your posted verbal diarrhea on July 16th regarding, among other things, that child cancer patient recently in the news.  Let’s start by saying, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!  I would like to follow that point with a brief ARRRRRG! BLLLARRRRRG!  Whew.  Now I’m on a roll.  You had me for one paragraph, the first one, I loved it. Then you lost me, big time. You see, there are times when people have to be saved from themselves. Mickko comes to mind when he tries to BBQ (can you say “Fire Marshall”?).  Let’s start with that cancer kid. He is a child, and having been one, albeit many moons ago, I can tell you that a child can not make a conscious decision. I could not make a conscious decision until I started my meds in my mid-thirties. You may never make a conscious decision, based on your last paragraph.

There are many types of parents in this world, Andre, and some are better than others. I assume, or rather hope you don’t have any children, ‘cause if you do, I will need to alert the authorities. That cancer kid’s parents have him brainwashed into believing what they believe, just as my mother had me brainwashed into believing that I was actually a reincarnated gopher, who needed to stay in the yard under some leaves for the better part of my childhood.  OK, in my case it may have been a good decision, but in general it is bad form. Seriously, my mother had a rather large impact on my life (not to mention my ass). I still crap my pants when I see a large wooden spoon. What she didn’t realize was that I crapped my pants upon seeing the spoon, knowing the intense pain to follow.  Pavlov calls this Negative Reinexcrement.

So when she came up to me holding that big fucking wooden weapon in the air saying “did you just crap your pants?”, well, it was a self-fulfilling poophecy: Instant HotPocket.  I call that point my “number two.”

Stupid decisions are OK, I suppose, when you make them for yourself, but not when you are making them for a child.  She was wrong, and so are you.

Now, getting back to you, if I want to go to a bar for a beer or five, I don’t want you sitting next to me going all afterburners on me with your Lucky fucking Strikes.  Bite me.  Take it outside. It’s a stupid decision for you to smoke, but “stupider” for me to inhale your decisions, while I’m trying to kill my liver all quiet and peaceably like.

As for your next brain fart: “If I want to smoke marijuana and veg out on the couch watching psychedelic movies, let me.”  This is also problematic, in that someone has to work two jobs, probably your mother, cause you’re still living on her couch at nearly forty, I would guess, so you can “veg.” Or worse yet, it’s your wife, and she is secretly seeing a divorce lawyer. Hey, but look at the bright side, she’ll be the one who has to pay the legal fees, right?  You may do as you wish in our great society, but you must do so on your own. When you start involving others in your little “Neverland,” it becomes a problem.

Time to get off Sugar Mountain and find a friggin job. 

Welcome aboard, Andre.  Oh, and don’t go crapping your pants when you see that old Discord gorilla pic.

Yours Unruly,

Goomis

Dear Whomever The Fuck (DWTF),

Greetings and salutations. Like I did for your buddy Sergio, let me congratulate you on assuming only the best parts of an iconic American company for free, at the taxpayer’s expense, of course, while doing the crabwalk around all the “bad” stuff. You know, like the bondholders, and companies you forced out of business by not paying for shit you bought. Great country America, isn’t it?

Let’s go over, car line by car line, just what you had, what you now have, and what you will need for the future.

Pontiac: don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. Ten years of ugly small underpowered cars, and just when you get the go-ahead for a new GTO, you go to Aus-fucking-tralia!  No, let’s not build the penultimate GTO from our decades of experience in musclecardome, let’s just phone a totally forgetful one in from down under. You idiots deserve to be at home now, waitin’ fer yer bailout like the rest of us.

Saturn: with Penske as new owners, is a wait & see. That is, wait & see how long it takes old Rodger to bring them Chinese cluster-fucks to our shores.

Hummer: the devil drives a Hummer. It IS what is all wrong with America. Driving a Hummer says “I have taken advantage of, and probably crushed the hopes of many unsuspecting common folk so I can impress all of my shallow friends.”

Saab: Saab? Really, who cares!  Purchasing Saab must have been one of those, “I wanted to buy a car company, but then I got high,” kind of moments. Nope, losing those last two was a good move from any standpoint.

Chevrolet: Impala is Ted Nugent living in Steven Colbert’s body. It’s near invisible to most people, yet it’s one of the best autos to come out of the Big Bowtie in decades as far as people moving, dependability, and power vs. economy. But you forgot one thing: it needs to look like something we just might want to purchase. Malibu: please don’t fuck with it. Really. Please. Oh, and lose Cobalt. Let’s hope we all don’t go out and buy a Volt (see past diatribe on being green). Cruz looks good. Silverado is a truck. I don’t mind a few luxuries, but let’s not forget it is not for getting soccer mom’s asses to the local mall, it’s for getting large amounts of “stuff” from point A to point B. If soccer moms want to ride tall, I have a seven-foot friend who would love to accommodate. The new crossover SUV Equinox is great as is. No one really needs a full-sized SUV.  Sure they may WANT one, but they sure as hell don’t NEED one, so lose them. They are only for Hummer-ites in training. The Vette is an icon, don’t touch this (dum dum da dum, da um, da dum ). Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear said the Z06 was just like a Ferrari, but the air conditioning worked, it rode better, and was 100k cheaper! The new Camaro looks great, but let’s see how it’s made.

GMC: uh, you already make trucks in Chevy. (Come over here and turn around so I can hit you in the back of the head.) Re-badging is what got you into the steaming compost heap you now find yourself. Let’s not go there again now, eh dorks. Lose GMC. We dun nid no stinkin rebadges. (I know, I’m sorry.  It’s Mikko’s influence.)

Buick: The problem with Buick, for a decade it’s been synonymous with old people. Here in Arizona, every fall we have what we call the, “Annual March of the Driverless Buicks.” It’s when all the short old people drive back in force to Sun City for the winter. You can almost set your watch to it. It’s kind of like the birds of Capistrano on ludes.  There are more ’97 to ’04 LeSabres, Centuries, and Park Avenues per capita than any other car on the planet in the Sun City area.  Let’s figure out why:

1. Dependable: The 3.8 V6 is almost bullet proof. It will run on pee, or beer. I know this for fact. Miller is beer and pee, which might sound tempting, but don’t try it.
2. Economy: My wife’s Park Ave has 164k on it and regularly gets 25 – 27 MPG.
3. Room: All that out of a car a block long that seats six REAL people, seven if they have blue hair, and you can still fit five bodies in the trunk. That’s all of the members of Chicago and Lynard Skynard, dead or alive.
4. Ease of service: Almost anyone on the planet with a fucking wrench can service a 3.8. (except Mikko, but that’s another story).
5. Ride:like a magic carpet. Total isolation. Like playing a giant video game from the comfort of your Barkalounger.

Look, we old people need cars too, and my fat beige ass don’t want no mo “excitement” or “feel of the road.” I’m willing to slip on that car condom at this point. Tight handling, who cares? How many boxes of Krispy Kremes fit in the trunk? Can I get in it without being double-fucking jointed? If I hit something, will there be anything left for the Jaws of Life to extract? Will it get out of its own way on a regular basis? And can I do all of the above while passing the occasional gas station? These are things I give a shit about. The Buicks did this. Notice I said DID! In 2005 they figured, let’s make them smaller, heavier, less efficient, so the younger people will buy them. Duh, well, not so much. There is room for BOTH. Make the new 2010 Chinese design Lacrosse (known in China as Racrosse) for the young, and bring back the LeSabre for the rest of us. The new Lacrosse is great looking, the best vision for a Buick in a century (pardon the pun).  Let’s just see if I can get in and out of one.

Cadillac: I had a ’94 Sedan DeVille. 300 horse V8 front wheel drive. The best kept secret in Detroit. Fast as hell, blew away nearly everything from the stoplight. With all that weight on the drive wheels, I used to pass 4WD trucks stuck in the snow. It was what Mikko called the “Meadowlands Edition,” complete with the six body trunk (which could fit all of the Back Street Boys and still had enough room for most of Barney Frank). I put nearly 200k on it in 10 years at a total cost of gas, oil, tires, brakes, and about $800.00.  I had Vanity Plates that read “CRUZSHIP.” I miss that car. My very own “fat assed Caddy” as the NYPD called them, but that’s also another story. Anyway, today it’s all about the CTS; really nice car for the younger crowd. It has single handedly saved Caddy’s ass. The CTS-V was called the best American car ever by James May on Top Gear. It annihilates all its competition and can still conveniently dispose of the bodies. The new wagon version will be a killer, as will the new crossover SUV coming that’s based on it.

Escalade is yesterday’s bling. It’s dead, Jim. Lose it. It’s literally the 5000 lb gorilla in the room. Today, the Escalade says, “I gots lotsa muny from bein Gangsta and I gots a 5^th grade edumakashun, and a chrome handgun,” or it says, “I sold subprime ARM’s to uneducated consumers.” What you DO need to do is create a new full-sized flagship car.New from the ground up, rear wheel drive, V8, full luxo boat, with the obligatory  $ 90k price tag. Please call it FLEETWOOD.  Make Mercedes and BMW look like so much useless Kraut technology. Real luxury can be FELT, as well as seen (like boobies). More toys do NOT necessarily equal true luxury (tassels come to mind).

One final note, Mr. WTF, please take note of the main problem facing Ford. Their problem? Well, unbeknownst to the Green police in the Government, the F150 TRUCK still outsells everything they got, as well as some Toyotas. With C.A.F.E going to 30+ MPG, it’s a problem brought on by our own Government, cause they tink dat we da peeps caint be trusted wif impowtant desishuns. We dead dinosaur lovers are not all dead yet. We just need representation, one with a very loud voice, and maybe, just maybe, a tight ass, and some perky boobies. I do believe just such a person has recently made herself available.

Goomis E. Kyaam

Dear Goomba:

I will start out with a hayadooin & congrats on getting an iconic American car company, complete with freshly minted bailout money, for six yenpesos and a pizza coupon. The last “wap” that “inherited” Chrysler was Lido Iacocca. He did more for Chrysler than any other man before or since. The One Billion dollar bailout he got was probably bigger in terms of what the dollar was worth at the time, but who’s counting?  Really, at this point who is counting? Iacocca paid it back early, driving a fleet of 5^th Avenues (dissolving as they went) up to the White House to hand deliver the check. I remember it well. Nothing like seeing a line of newly made American autos, followed closely by a street sweeper sucking the dust and particles created by the near immediate breakdown of that great seventies sheet metal, covered with that wondrous new lead free paint. Mom had one. It would have lasted longer had it been painted with marinara sauce.

I, for one, am very happy to see the Italians coming to the USA. I have had more than enough German overdesigning to last a lifetime. You want proof someone can redesign something so many times it can not possibly work? “I” drive and “Bluetooth capable” ring a bell? Friggin disasters, both. I have also had enough Japanese Quaaludes on wheels. Jeremy Clarkson of the BBC said that whenever he can’t get to sleep, he just looks at a picture of the Camry and he’s straight off. American auto design needs emotion, Italian emotion, and needs it fast! I am getting a stiffy just thinking of a Viper with a body by Pininfarina.  I think the word Viagra is actually in that combo somewhere.

But I digress. Serge, can I call you Serge? Anyway, Serge, listen up. There are only a few things that are worth saving in the lineup you just, well, for lack of a better word, won. Jeep is one. A Wrangler diesel could be the new “country with no navigable fucking roads” car, followed by an American/Italian version of the Range/Land Rover made from the Grand Cherokee where, unlike the British vehicles, the electronics would actually work. Oh, and 500 horsepower plus 1000 lbs of torque equals 10,000 maniacs. The person purchasing such a vehicle would probably want it to speed up or slow down the Earth’s rotation at will (at the very least).

Second order of business would be the 300/Charger/Challenger.  Only what I would like to see is a 300 based Alfa Romeo luxury sport sedan. All the “Cocks” that currently just switched from Beemers to Audis would cream at the crotch. It would have “greasy day trader/skeevy investment banker” written all over it!

But a better interior on the Challenger, please! It’s as interesting as the Morning Crop Report on the RFD channel. For 40k, its interior has GOT to look like something more interesting than Dave Atsals in a speedo.  Oh, and it should FEEL better too. For 40K it should cure not cause hemorrhoids. Ditch the current Charger for a more modern (real Italian) design. Oh, and please put the 2.7 engine to sleep. I can run faster than a 300 with a 2.7.

I can’t wait for the Fiat 500; it’s a real “Mini” killer. Turbo charge the little bastard and call it the GLH, Iacocca’s initials “for goes like hell.” That’s the old Dodge Omni Rabbit killer. But, maybe I’m just splitting hares.

Next up, the Ram. Listen, if you greaseballs want to understand just what makes up an American car guy, spend a week in a new Ram. An interior like a futuristic jet fighter, only one made for short fat pilots. Thirsty-lazy-short-fat pilots. With short little arms. A ride smoother than any pickup ever built. And an exterior design that when viewed in your rear-view mirror says “Get The Fuck Out of My Way”. With beer coolers built in to the truck bed—how fucking cool is that? Now, follow this, its very important: Make a short bed short cab 2wd version with the 6.1 hemi in go-mango orange, Black or Cool Vanilla, with no fucking stripes, no fucking scoops, no fucking ground effects. Just a sweet toned set of pipes. And the beer coolers! Black “vinyl” interior, no carpets, kick ass stereo, 6 spd manual, fat tires with 20” chromes. All for less than 30k. Done. In homage to the Road Runner, call it, ready for this, the RamRunner. I know, and you’re very welcome.  Maybe the horn can go, Mee, Meep, but in more of James Earl Jones kind of way. 

In closing, let me just say throughout American history Chrysler Corp. has always been a leader in design and technology. That was until the Nazis stole it.  They raped the company blind, and left it for dead. I am sincerely hoping that you and your company can revive some of the old that was great, and put to sleep some of the new that ain’t so great. I am rooting for you. If you’re ever in Phoenix, stop by and we’ll have a cannoli and some beer. It’s the Italian/American way!

Yours Unruly

Goomis E. Kyamm